Mr. Vice President, great news. We have a person of interest, Phillip Baggio. He manages a golf club in the North Carolina area. Two weeks before the attack on the President, Phillip Baggio's mother became comatose.
You think that was the blackmailer? Not just a normal coma?
After the incident, Phillip Baggio rushed to organize a youth golf tournament.
What's the significance of that?
Donald Trump Jr. was there. His daughter, Kai, participated in the tournament.
I see... How did you get this?
A laptop is brought into the oval office and put in front of the Vice President.
I will let consulting investigator, Frank, fill you in.
Frank? Hello?
Frank could see and hear the VP over Skype but the VP could not see or hear Frank.
Frank:
-hello
Even for the acting President of the United States, Frank stayed anonymous.
Is the video not working?
Frank prefers to stay anonymous. We know nothing about him. Which shows how talented he is.
So Frank, how did you find this Phillip Baggio?
-it was simple really
-based on the transcripts, the kid is obviously a native english speaker
Kid? You mean the blackmailer? Are you telling me the blackmailer is a child?
It's short for kidnapper. That's what Frank has taken to calling him.
Wait, why "kidnapper"?
Like how a kidnapper takes someone and then there was, like... a pun on napping. It was clever.
-in the month prior to donald's coma
-there was only one incidence of non-traumatic coma hospitalization in the english speaking world
I don't know why our NSA guys didn't catch this themselves.
They're useless.
-taking into account the behavior of baggio directly after the incident
-and the trump family connection
-it was obvious that the kid blackmailed him
Following up on that lead, we had agents in North Carolina interrogate Baggio.
-he stole used clothing items and hairs from the golf tournament participants
-labeled and boxed them
-dropped them off at a secluded location
-was himself put in a coma while the box was retrieved
-with this information i have formulated a working theory as to how the kid's power functions
-requiring genetic material of a person to be able to comatize them or their parents
-even extending to grandparents as in the case of kai's genetic information being used to comatize donald
And to all that, we are now monitoring every participant of the golf tournament and their parents in case they are used.
So, am I safe?
I'd say so, sir.
Alrighty then, time we get back on track for big oil, small government, conservative policy.
-you're not safe
All the phones of the intelligence officials in the room buzzed.
Netanyahu has just been...
MBS has just...
Putin has...
Xi...
:Snap:
And then the Vice President passed out.
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