I looked over at Raven as we walked along the sidewalk, her sunglasses still on, hat back on her head and parasol open above her head casting this deep, rich shadow around her and over me due to where I was standing to her side, still unbothered by her heels as we walked, I could see and hear the way that people commented about the two of us as we passed a few people walking about the neighborhood.
“Well, this is me” I said stopping in front of my house, she sighed softly as she looked over at my home.
“If you ever want to talk, I’m right down the street too” she said as she took the newest model of iPhone out of her jacket, full black and in a black case adorned with a neon red spiderweb pattern with one of those pop out stand things on the back that pops outwards as a holder shaped like a gilded skull with crystalline eyes. “Please” she said as she handed her phone over to me, I smiled a little as I took it and entered in my phone number and information before handing it over towards her before taking my outdated, super cracked and beaten phone, spider-web fractures across the screen and all. I handed it over and without any kind of reaction to how terrible my phone looked, she entered in her information before tapping on something and rose it as she took a photo of herself, face instantly going to a model like pose before she handed it back over.
“I should be going in soon, you probably don’t want to start another argument or something with my mother.” I said
“As I said, James, you ever want to talk or just want to escape your parents and all…our door is always open door.” she said as she softly gripped my shoulder, her hands are…icy cold, she’s also a lot stronger than she looks, her hands are cold enough to the extent that I was actually a little surprised and concerned by their coldness. “I hope to see you again then” she said as she walked back off towards her home, it’s probably only a few hundred yards or so from her home to mine, but…she was walking in those six-seven inch heels as if she was in flat boots or barefoot by how steady she was. She walks with her back right and shoulder back a little, it’s obvious to anyone that she is in fashion and all, being a model and all with how she walks and how she is just seemed to glide, the parasol resting on her shoulder as she disappeared into the forestry.
I sighed softly as I knitted my hands in my jacket pocket as she vanished before putting my headphones back up and rose my hood back up as I walked back towards the door and walked in, the stench of tobacco pilfering my senses as I closed the door as quietly as I could and slid my boots off as I tip-toed down the hall towards the hall leading towards my room, doing everything I could to get to my room as quietly as possible.
I set my phone on my desk as I plugged the pop-up speakers I have and let my music blare into my room as I pulled the black-out curtains closed and just…let myself be swallowed by the darkness of my room as the intense techno music I put on bounced about the room as I took my hoodie off, threw my shoes to where the two-three other pairs I have in the corner as I tossed myself onto my bed, the creaky frame and bedspring almost overtaking the music as I rested my head in my few pillows as I let myself be muted and quieted by the music.
Eventually, the stress got to me in a way that sent me running into my bathroom, my knees hitting the tile hard as I pulled my hair back and vomited intensely, I just have the weakest stomach because of the anxiety and other issues, stress of any kind makes me very…very sick to my stomach, though it also doesn’t help that I’ve also had my fingers down the back of my throat for a fair bit of instances too. Even when I was covered in sweat, my body shaking intensely as my vision blurred from tears caused by the intense vomiting, I was still crumbled on the floor of my bathroom. I picked myself up from the floor using the sink’s edge as I rinsed out my mouth and just looked down towards the basin as I suppressed a short rock through my shoulders as my body was confused as to either wanting to break down sobbing or go back to vomiting again, but there was nothing left in my body leaving me to just croak out sounds as I stifled my roiling stomach. My hand went to the sink’s top where I usually kept my razor, but I grabbed my wrist as I pulled my arm back, letting my feet move away from the sink as my back hit the wall.
“No…no…I’m better than that…you promised yourself that you wouldn’t do that anymore after last time” I muttered to myself as I painfully raked my nails back across my scallop, softly pulling my hair in the process. “I can’t kept doing that” I added as my forearms and inner thighs burnt with the familiar memories and recollection of the…dozens of scars that littered my forearms and thighs. I caught my reflection and I pretty much blended into the white tiled walls as I held my knees. I had to go without shaving for months just to get out of the habit of…reaching for razors, though the first few weeks…I used turned to anything else I could use to hurt myself: a lighter, sewing needles, safety pins, pills, alcohol…whatever was sharp and made me feel pain. I only didn’t turn to drugs because of the fact I didn’t want to stretch my police record further.
It’s not that I need to feel pain to feel alive, it’s also not that I feel like I need to be punished or anything, but…it’s just to feel something other than absolute bullshit, I constantly feel so…absolutely terrible about everything and anything that the idea of…feeling anything other than terrible just…makes me feel like…why? Whatever did I do to not feel like shit? Whatever did I do to make Raven…want to be my friend? Nobody ever wants to be my friend, nobody ever wants to be around me, spend time with me or anything of that sort…there is just…nobody out there who is on my side. There never has been and there is a lot of me that isn’t even on my own side. Why Raven wants to be on my side, be the only person on the team protecting me…I don’t know. I can’t even recall when I last thought of myself as being on my own side. I was always last picked for anything having to do with teams, often times I’d be sitting on the sideline of whatever my classmates were playing at recess, people would leave the broken art supplies, the broken desks, broken chairs or…anything like that. People would just laugh as they looked at me before saying something like “Oh, there’s the quiet, creepy and weird James Smile…off by his lonesome, sitting in the darkness of whatever shade…as usual, what’s new?
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