October 19, 1990
6:45 pm
Scene after scene….
I did so many dirty…. nasty things on those cameras.
My confident heart began to sink into itself…
And I began to feel an empty void there instead.
The pay was good….but…with each passing day….
I was losing track of who I was.
My student loans, rent for my dorm, and other things I had to pay for began to pile up. So was my college work. I was missing class to catch up.
The stress…..
The stress was making me eat…
and eat…
and eat…
November 15, 1990
2:36 pm
I started to gain weight. The other girls in the studio made fun of me. Eventually, production noticed my weight gain and called me to the front office.
I sat in front of Evan Davis, the C.E.O and head director of 696 Productions.
“Do you know why I called you in here today?” He said, lighting a cigarette.
“No…am I in trouble?” I asked. “No, you're one of our best girls, actually. But…hun…your weight…”
I tensed up in my seat.
“The viewers are starting to notice. I’d advise you to start slimming down, or else we’ll have to move you to the ‘plumper’ studio.” He said.
“O-ok…” I said, feeling insecure.
Evan looked at me, his face shifting into sympathy. “Mary….listen. You are a beautiful woman, and you have so much potential. That’s why I picked you that day. You're gonna be a STAR, Mary. Trust me.” He said.
“Go get 'em, tiger.” He said.
I felt more confident as I headed to the dressing room. I felt…validated. Was this what I was looking for? The validation?
Coming into the dressing room, I looked at myself in the mirror.
My slender frame was gone.
Due to the stress eating, I had gained quite a little belly. I’d have to work on getting my weight back down, since my ballet dresses started to feel a bit tight.
I was putting on makeup as the door opened.
In walked Avia Winters, probably the most popular girl in the studio.
She turned to me with a smile.
“Hello Mary.” She said.
“Hola” I said.
She sat at the makeup table across from me, her red wavy locks blocking my view of her.
“I heard about your little problem.” She said.
“My problem?” I asked, confused.
“Well, with the other girls calling you a fat pig and all…” She said almost slyly.
“Oh.” I said, feeling down. “It’s okay hun, I have the perfect solution.” She said, reaching into the drawer, pulling out a pink bottle of rattling pills.
“These are Barbie Pills. They make you lose weight without working out!” She said.
“Sounds sketchy.” I said, questioning her.
“They work, trust me! Just 2 a day, and you’ll be back to your skinny self in no time.” She said, handing me the bottle.
She got up and began to take off her coat, revealing her large, obviously worked on breasts and hips. Her pasties jingled as she bent down and put on a red shade of shimmery lipstick.
“And if they don't work?” I asked, watching her leave.
“Try lipo.” She said.
“See ya, Mary.” She finished, walking out.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
My black hair was pulled back into an uncomfortable bun, with two small bangs on the sides of my face, crimped, almost burned. My eyelashes had expensive, name brand mascara coated on them. My cheeks next to my sunken frown were coated in dark pink blush, and my lips had red lipstick on them.
It seems as if I was back to where I started.
I was stuck in another loop.
December 20, 1990.
6:43 pm.
Me and Lucinda were walking down the halls of the campus, preparing to leave for winter break.
“Do you think anyone noticed?” I asked her.
“What?” She asked.
“My weight.” I said.
“Well, you needed to lose that weight anyways. No one likes fat chicks.” She said, giggling.
“Really?” I asked, afraid of what others were saying about me behind my back.
“Yep. Honestly your tits could use some work too. They're too small!” She said, bursting into another laugh. She took a look at my pained smile and said,
“I’m a girl so I can be honest about that kinda stuff, it’s okay.”
We walked to my dorm in silence, and then I was alone.
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