It didn’t take very long before I found Caspar. He was sitting by the bench by the tech and science wing by the edge of the school grounds. He had his headphones on, eyes closed and facing up towards the high noon sun. I slowed down a few feet away from him, just allowing myself to watch him for a moment. His features were almost porcelain-like with his fair and smooth skin. His eyelashes reminded me of traditional folding fans, as they fanned out across his high cheekbones. I usually wouldn’t allow myself to watch him like this, without messing up his almost white-blonde hair, soft against my fingers as I’d card through it or by pulling at his skin, twisting or pinching it to get a reaction out of his usual stoic demeanor. He was devastatingly pretty, almost delicate as he relished in the relatively warm autumn sun, like a curled up cat on an old wooden porch step. I swallowed once before walking the last few steps up towards him, the tips of my worn-in Nike shoes all but gracing the tips of his own matching pair, but in black of course. As was his trademark.
- So. You’re gonna stare at me all day or are you planning on saying anything?
His voice was neutral, almost unnervingly so, if I didn’t know him as well as I did, I would have thought him to be bored. But I do know him and thus I could hear the small hitch in his voice, the twitch in the way his lips formed around the last letters of his question. He was hurt. I had hurt him, and yet he wasn’t even angry at me for it. He had likely enjoyed it just as much as I had.
I felt a rock I didn’t know I’d been carrying tear through me as it fell from my heart and landed in my stomach. I felt sick and suddenly there wasn’t enough air to breath, even though we were outside and the wind was blowing freely around us, making my bangs get in my eyes. He wanted to know why we weren’t fine, if it was me who didn't feel for him the way he does for me. If I regret what happened.
- I don’t really know what to say Casp. I’m just...
I swallowed, once, twice, nothing would come out of my throat. As if there was another rock lodged there, ready to fall down and join the other one the moment I had decided what to say, what to choose. In that moment there was likely nothing else I wanted more than to hold him in my arms. It was like an itch that needed to be scratched, a word that needed to just fall out of my mouth. Whichever word I chose, I knew it would change our relationship from this point forward, in one way or the other. Caspar watched me silently, his eyes demanding as he waited for me to give him anything, whether that be a sentence to the gallows or a blessing for a future.
- Caspar. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I shouldn’t have done what I did.
I watched his eyes break like shattered glass, his facial features tighten slightly in defense. I could have just as well walked right up to him and spat in his face, or punched in his nose. Anything would have made us both feel less broken than this, everything else would have been better than this. I could practically see him retracting back into himself, emotionally, as his exterior hardened like a shield ready for yet another blow. Preparing himself for more to come.
I had always prided myself in self love, and seeing the best in every person and never wanting to look down on myself. Yet in this moment I wanted nothing else but to disappear, feeling overwhelming shame and anger at myself and my actions. The love I had once harbored for myself now tarnished. I had had a choice, to either defy my desire, or defy the expectations others had of me.
I’m pathetically weak as I chose the latter over my own heart, over a possible future with someone I had loved for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t let down my family and their expectations, but I dared let myself down, to let Caspar down, to let our future down.
I let us both stand in utter silence, as I watched the grass sway with the wind by my feet, as I felt Caspar watch me with a likely blank expression, and hardened gaze.
- We’re both aware of what I feel for you by now, and have always felt.
- I know.
- I know deep down you feel the same, you have to. Otherwise we wouldn’t be like this right now.
I kept silent. I could barely hold myself together, much less hold my tongue from spilling out those small little words I was dying to tell him, I do, I quietly bit down on the sensitive flesh on the inside of my cheeks until I could taste iron.
- I’m just not sure why you’re holding back. Is it that you’re ashamed of me? Or is it that you want something different?
- Casp, no-
- Maybe it's just that you know you need something more, an alpha, someone who can be the right fit for your omega.
- I don’t-
- Whatever it is, I trust you enough to believe it’s a good enough reason. I’m not sure I should, but I can’t help but trust you, and trust your decision. There has to be a reason, a good enough reason to not give us a chance.
A single tear fell to the ground beneath me, catching in a single strand of grass, almost reminiscent of dew as it slowly slid down to the earth beneath where it quickly became one with the soil. I once again found myself swallowing nothing, yet feeling as if there wasn’t enough room in my throat. The air was thick, or my lungs had shrunk, because it had never been more difficult to take another breath before.
It was just so devastatingly Caspar, that despite the pain in not knowing why I had rejected him, he still trusted me in my decision. A small hiccup was all I could muster in response before the dam broke and I rushed up to him, flinging into his embrace as he caught me in his arms, wrapping his strong arms safely around me. I felt him place a small kiss on the top of my head, before holding me even tighter than I had once thought possible.
Earlier I hadn’t been able to muster out more than a few whimpered letters at a time, but now words were quickly spilling out of my mouth, different versions of, I’m so sorry, whispered over and over again, as my tears fell freely down my cheeks. Finally feeling at home in the safety of his embrace, finding comfort in his warmth even though I didn’t deserve his kindness or understanding. There was something that Caspar would always be to me, and that was everything.
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