It had been three days before the nearest full moon, when I turned for the first time without having the orb of night in question hanging heavy above me in the near pitch-black sky. It felt somewhat strange, yet thrilling. My progress was truly showing now, making my father visibly proud, which was a sight I did not get to see often.
- I knew you would exceed my expectations, son.
I didn’t know how to answer him. I for one was proud of myself for being able to push my body this far in my training—but now it felt tainted by his words. My accomplishments didn’t feel like my own, and more like an accessory for my family to show off in front of others with.
The hours of blood, sweat and tears working their way through my body as I’d pushed myself further than I could have ever imagined, now felt degrading. Like rather than a showcase of my perseverance, they were a representation of a struggle that would never be acknowledged. It had been excruciatingly hard, to the point of me wanting to give up all together, just to have it all summarized into the sentence— “I expected nothing less of you”.
- He’s a dick.
- Nothing we didn’t know already.
Caspar looked over towards me from the passenger seat and even though I had my eyes on the road; I could feel his observant eyes watching me intently.
- Enough of my dad though, how are things with you and-
- Don’t finish that sentence if you know what’s good for you.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek, the flesh almost giving in to the pressure of my sharp teeth, but I quickly let go before they could draw blood.
- I thought you guys talked it out?
- I suppose we did talk.
Caspar leaned further back into his seat, eyes trained on the car’s glove box. Eyebrows slightly furrowed and eyes half shut and unfocused. Having known Caspar practically my whole life, I ulike some, could see he was more than just uncomfortable talking about the subject.
He was completely torn by the mere thought of Simon.
- Caspar, I’m right here. Talk to me.
He tensed in his seat, like a spring pulled taut, his arms flexing as he took a hold of the car door with an iron grip. If I didn’t know him as well as I do—I would have probably been anxious of him ripping the door open and throwing himself out of the car with no regard for his own well-being.
- I accepted it.
- What?
- His reason for not giving us a chance.
Up until this moment, I had perhaps not realized just how much this had pained Caspar. He’s been in love with his best friend for years, lived with these feelings bottled up, and now that there was a certainty that Simon felt, even an inkling, a spark similar to his own—Simon won’t even give him a chance? I try to rake my mind on anything that could hinder Simon from being with Caspar, if he’d said something or hinted towards anything at all. I could only think of his family, who I know are a bit traditional, perhaps Caspar being a beta isn't what they want from him. But that didn’t make much sense as I knew they had beta-omega relationships in his near family. So what-
- Don’t be mad at Simon. He has his reasons.
- ...What even was his reason?
The tip of his tongue swipes along his lips momentarily, eyes looking at anything but me as he cleared his throat. His voice comes out like a whisper, or more like a whimper as he breaks halfway through the sentence.
- I don’t know. He wouldn’t tell me.
As his last word is uttered, Caspar lets out the first audible sigh since first stepping into the car. The bags under his eyes telling of sleepless nights, thoughts likely running through his mind with endless unanswered questions, of why he wasn't enough, and why he wasn’t a possibility to begin with.
- I trust him. I trust him with everything I have, and that might be foolish of me. But—fuck it, I’d rather be stupid and in love than without him in my life at all.
- I don’t know if I could ever... Trust like that.
- I probably shouldn’t, but what else can I do?
- Have you ever considered finding someone else?
For the first time since we began talking of Simon, Caspar whips around to look me in the eyes. A fire is now lit behind his otherwise washed-out and tired eyes. He responds with such power in his voice, as if angered and in complete disbelief by the mere thought of ever having any romantic feelings towards anyone but Simon. In that moment, I watch as he defends the man he loves like I have never seen him speak of anything before in his entire life.
- Never. He is the one for me Shawn. There was nothing before him, and there is nothing after him. This is it for me.
- How could you be so sure though?
- I just do. I don’t feel like there is a fucking point in taking a single breath unless he is there to see it. My existence is only beside him, or not at all. That’s how it feels. That’s how I know.
A silence fell over the car, my eyes still glued to the road ahead of us, the night slowly taking over the sky, turning it darker by the minute as my headlights began to show up on the night sky. Like two beacons painting streaks of light across the stark black heavens. His words sounded intense, in a way it was almost frightening. Could a person truly feel so deeply for another? Would I ever feel this much for someone else? Would I want to?
- You’ve never told me you felt like this before.
- You’ve never really asked.
The instantaneous pang of guilt coursing through my body was intense and burning brightly. I opened my mouth but before I had the chance, a cool hand was placed gently on my knee in reassurance.
- Don't feel bad. I know I'm emotionally constipated, but you're a great friend, and unless you've ever felt this deeplt for another person before-I don't blame you for feeling lost in what I'm saying.
- I’m always here for you though, if nothing else, I’ll listen.
- Sure thing.
This time, the silence in the car was not heavy, it was instead with mutual understanding and care for one another. I watched in my peripheral as Caspar straightened slightly in his seat, his shoulders seemingly a lot less heavy. The quiet was not too long after once again interrupted by Caspar’s usual stoic voice.
- If you tell Simon any of this, I will strangle you.
- Swear on my life.
- Not that it’s worth much.
I responded by giving him a playful punch on his thigh, only hearing an affirmative grunt in response, as we rolled in by the frat house, music playing loud enough for us to hear every word sung from within my car even though my windows were shut. We exited the car and walked up into the foyer of the large building. Hoards of alphas, betas and omegas were all crowded around the dance floor, snack tables, kitchen and the pool table. I couldn’t help but hope to get a whiff or a flash of someone in particular, with light brown hair and blue-green eyes.
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