I never felt so out of breath in my life. All from running a few feet! My asthma was never this bad! What in the world was happening to me?! Shakily, I clutched my chest, trying desperately to control my breathing, but my chest felt so tight and constrained that I couldn’t. Worried something was seriously wrong, my parents ran over to me, with my siblings following suit. The last thing I wanted was for them to worry about me, so I forced myself to roll over and attempt to get up. The restricted feeling in my chest only got worse doing so, but I refused to quit. Fluffy was understandably worried and was trying to force me back down onto the ground.
“Beatrice!” Elizabeth cried, running up to me. “Stop that! You’re sick!”
Hearing her sound so concerned made me pause long enough that Fluffy was able to pull me back onto the ground. Exhausted and defeated, I let it happen. She was right. I was sick. Not sick in the way most people spoke of, but something was wrong with my head. What started as a way to lose weight became a terrible cycle of fasting, binging, and purging. All out of fear that monster would come back for me. But I got so lost that I didn’t realize how much damage I was doing to my body. If I could barely run a few feet now… how far off was I from death?
“Reginald?” Mum said as she knelt down next to me. “Go down the street to Lacy’s. Her husband is a doctor. We need him down here as soon as possible.”
My oldest brother nodded and hurried off to go get him. If I hadn’t been so out of breath, I would’ve told them it was fine and that all I needed to do was lay down for a bit. Unfortunately, I could barely manage to breathe, let alone speak.
“Let’s get you off the floor,” Dad said, looking both stern and worried. He put his arm around me and I automatically tried to get up, thinking he was just giving me support. It was making me feel lightheaded just sitting up, but I was set on doing it. Until he suddenly just picked me up, not giving me the chance to get on my feet.
Did I want to fight back? Oh, yea. Could I? No. The strain caused me to lose consciousness the second he picked me up. I wasn’t out for long and woke up on the couch a few minutes later. Although I wasn’t with it enough to talk to anyone, I could hear them talking about me.
“Oh, when is the doctor going to be here?” Mum said frantically, pacing the floor over and over. “I’m worried this is the start of something bad…”
“Can’t say we didn’t see it coming.” Dad sighed heavily. “On Elizabeth’s birthday though. Of all the times.”
“I would much rather it happen here than when she’s home alone! But she does have Elizabeth quite worried now… She has all of us worried.”
“At least her breathing seems to have calmed down,” Dad said, looking over at me. “She still seems short of breath, but at least she’s not gasping for- oh! She’s awake.”
Mum quickly looked over at me. “Beatrice! You’re awake! Are you feeling alright? Do you need anything?? Water, food, blankets-”
“M-Mum, I’m fine…” I mumbled out. Like Dad said, I was still short of breath which made it hard to speak but it wasn’t impossible like before.
“Fine?? Dear, you passed out just from sitting up! I wouldn’t call that fine!”
“I can sit up now!” I said, forcing myself to sit up… only, I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t lift more than an inch off the pillow. When I did manage to lift myself that much, Fluffy threw all his body weight on my chest to make me lay back down. Like a disappointed parent, he shook his head and gave me a disapproving look. “...Or not… Alright… I get it.”
“Glad we’re finally on the same page,” Dad stated. “The doctor should be here shortly, and I do not want to hear any arguing from you. I expect you to tell the truth so he can help you. Do I make myself clear?”
I nodded. Before I could say anything, Reginald came back to the house, with the doctor right behind him. They both looked equally as worried. He rushed over to me and after a few questions, he checked a few things. Then it was more questioning about my eating habits. If I could’ve lied, I would’ve, but Fluffy kept slapping me with his tail every time I tried. My parents weren’t happy to hear about my single meal in a day or my binges that would result in me purging. They were especially upset when the doctor got me to admit my weight. Ninety pounds for someone of my height wasn’t exactly the picture of health. I didn’t expect my parents to take it well, and they very much didn’t. They bombarded me with questions about why in the world I would do this to myself but I refused to answer that one. That was the one question that was off the table.
“Alright.” The doctor sighed, finally coming to a conclusion. “It seems like your poor health has worsened your asthma, which caused the episode earlier. Even if it was a small bit of activity. Mix the effects of not eating and nutritional deficiencies in there too and it makes it pretty easy to guess why you passed out.”
“I fell.” I corrected.
“Mhm. Tell me, do you know what it’s called when someone engages in this pattern of behaviors? The restricting, binging and purging? Along with an intense need to control weight?”
“Uh…A diet?”
“No.” He shook his head. “Bulimia Nervosa.”
“Is that an illness?” Mum questioned. “Is she sick??”
“In a way, yes. It’s a mental illness that’s close to Anorexia Nervosa. Surely you’ve heard of that one?”
“The one where people starve themselves to dangerous points?” Now Mum was worried. More than before if that was even possible. “Oh my god… Is she going to do the same?”
“Mum, I’m not going to do that.” I groaned. “I’m not that stupid.”
“And yet you’ve gotten this far.” The doc raised a brow. Ah, shit. He had a point. “If you don’t start eating, without purging, then you’re on a fast track to death, dear. You’ve wired your brain to associate food with certain habits, and now you have to rewire it to a normal mindset about food.”
“What can we do?” My parents desperately asked. As if I wasn’t there, they discussed how to improve my eating habits. The doc had a whole list of things for them to watch out for. Just what I needed.
“Yes, so I would keep a good eye on her until she proves she can be trusted.” The doctor finished saying before looking my way, finally acknowledging me. “How do you feel about all of this?”
“I’m not putting on weight.” I blurted out without thinking. “I’ll do the rest, but I’m not gaining weight.”
Everyone looked at me in disbelief. Even Fluffy.
“I’m… uh, just putting it out there…” I mumbled, immediately regretting what I said. Their glares intensified. “...Or not… What you think is f-fine…”
“Take care of yourself.” He sighed. “If you need me, you know where to find me. Mr. and Mrs. Hawthorne? May we have a chat in private?”
Confused, I watched the three leave the living room. Luckily for me, I could eavesdrop since they weren’t too far away. Desperate to know how much they were shit talking me, I honed in on their conversation.
“I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but… Most patients who are this deep in the illness don’t make it out.” I heard the doctor say. What a perfect first line to hear. “Especially if they’re still in denial about needing help.”
I stopped listening. Hearing about my future death from being “sick” wasn’t my cup of tea.
“Where’s Elizabeth?” I murmured when they finished talking with the doc. I knew if she was around, I wouldn’t have to hear any more of this Bulimia shit.
“In her room with her siblings,” Mum said. “I didn’t want her to see you like this, so they’re distracting her.”
“Can I see her?” I asked. “Or- I guess can she come to see me?”
“I’ll go get her.” Dad nodded after letting out a heavy sigh. He left for a moment before returning with not only my youngest sister but all the siblings.
“Big sis!” She ran over to me and threw herself onto me with such force it knocked the air out of me entirely.
“Elizabeth!” Mum said in shock, immediately pulling her off. “Careful with her! You can’t do that!”
“Sorry.” She mumbled, looking apologetic. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I’m going to be okay.” I nodded. “I’m just a little under the weather. I’ll be staying here for a while, so that means we can spend more time together. That’s good, isn’t it?”
She nodded. “We can cook together!”
Of all things, she wanted to do that. WHY.
“Uh, well, we will see about that.” I laughed a bit, looking at Mum. As if they were going to let me stand up long enough to do that anyway. “Another thing… I’m really sorry for ruining your birthday.”
“You didn’t ruin it.” She said with an optimistic expression. “You’re sick. I’m not mad at you for being sick.”
“...Yeah.”
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