Li Wai stared at me uncomprehending. His brows creased as he asked tentatively, “Run where?”
“Anywhere.” I did a sweeping gesture over the fields. “Far away from the palace. Just the two of us.”
It was a bold, wild, and completely reckless suggestion, I admitted. Certainly a lot for him to take in as his eyes flitted left and right, trying to make sense of what I said.
“But your duties..” he trailed off.
“You heard the shopkeeper back there. Lu Bei is doing a good job on the throne.”
He looked up sharply. “So are you. I’m sure the peace treaty will work out with yo-”
“No,” I cut him off, a touch of bitterness in my tone. “If I take back the throne, the Tufan leader will immediately cease the treaty. His hatred of me overpowers any rational thought.”
“But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to work out something different,” he argued. “You’re a great leader…”
My throat seized up as the sweet compliments that spilled from his lips scalded my ears. I tore my gaze away from him. Head bent, my face scrunched into a look of disgust.
“Enough!” I barked as a hand raked through my hair, nails digging into my scalp. “Yes, for almost two decades now, I’ve given my all for this country. But when it comes to this issue of peace… I’ve tried so many things and nothing has worked.”
As my gaze traveled from the ground to Li Wai’s face, my breath hitched at the look of disappointment on his face. More than the pain that throbbed in my arm, the truth that I had failed at my duties tore my soul apart. Dropping my gaze instantly, the words that fell out of my lips sounded hollow. “I just have to accept it. Accept that I can’t do it.”
“But he has,” I pointed out bitterly. “And it’s working out. This is what’s best for the country. Everyone’s happy, and that’s what matters.”
“And you are happy with this?” It was phrased not as an accusation, but as a genuine question.
The strong pull of his gaze demanded a sincere reply from me but I kept my head down and crossed my arms over my chest. A disheartened scoff punctuated my words. “I thought I would be sadder, honestly. But I’m not.”
Met only with an oppressing silence that pressed me for an explanation, I offered none. My lips drew into a firm line as I stood my ground.
He inhaled deeply, his tone taking on a harsher cadence. “Forgive me for this but I must speak my mind. I simply cannot agree to the shirking of your duties because of your own failure.”
My head shot up, eyes wide as I stared at him in shock. He met my gaze, unflinching. Those emotionless grey eyes of his peered into my very soul. Judging me, condemning me. The pits of my stomach roiled with indignant fury as my nails dug deeper into the flesh of my arms. How dare he accuse me???
My jaw set firmly, I fixed him in a smoldering glare. When he still did not budge, the fire of my wrath exploded in my chest. My hand flew up, palm outstretched, ready to deliver a resounding blow to his cheek. Yet not a single muscle in his face moved. It irked me to no end and I willed my hand to move, to wipe off that nonchalant, defiant look of his.
But it remained unmoving, hanging uselessly in the air. I breathed in heavily through clenched teeth, my chest heaving as I did duel with my own body. Yet something in me could not bring myself to lay a hand on him. Just looking into the depths of his eyes expelled the fight in me. A sheen of tears blurred my vision as I bit my quivering bottom lip.
The muscles in my arm failing me, I let my hand drop weakly. I clutched my wrist and pulled it towards my chest. My voice unsteady with emotion, I whispered, “Why… are you against this?”
The throb of the accursed soulmate mark matched the constricting of my heart as I forced my words out. “Don’t you love me, Li Wai? Don’t you… want to be with me?” I slowly raised my head. My eyes searched his face desperately for an answer of any sort but his expression gave nothing away.
His gaze dipped a fraction and his brows creased. He spoke quietly, a touch of anguish in his tone. “The person whom I fell in love back then was a simple commoner like me.”
My breath hitched. The sound of my heartbeat echoed painfully in my chest as a thin red line formed where my nails dug a divot into the skin. But even the warm trickle of blood that tainted my skin could not distract me from the agony that clawed at my soul.
He hesitated, his tongue briefly sliding out to wet his lips before he added in a tone dripped with uncertainty. “I’m not sure whether the woman standing before me is the Empress seeking an escape…” Pausing, his gaze drifted back up to meet mine. “…or the woman I knew who would always do what she thought was right in her heart.”
My eyes widened as the weight of his words struck a guilty chord in me. Deep inside, it was hard to pretend that my reasons were not entirely noble. And as I forced the words out, I tried to convince not just him but myself. “Maybe you’re right, Li Wai…. Maybe I am escaping.”
An agonized breath expelled from my chest, I looked away into the empty night. The stars that used to paint the sky in a virtual map were hidden from view by the clouds. Like the obscuring of the stars’ guiding light, I had lost my sense of purpose. The unwelcoming blackness of uncertainty closed in from all around, suffocating me. Yet one thing remained clear in the fog of my despair.
I swallowed down the tears that tightened my throat, my voice a little hoarse. “Li Wai, I don’t want to return to the throne and destroy the foundations of this peace treaty.”
The grip on my arm tightened and I pulled it closer to my chest. With more conviction in my words, I looked up at him. “I don’t want to take away the happiness of my people, my country, knowing that I can’t give them that same thing.”
“I’m escaping,” I declared firmly. My eyes glistened with resolution, mouth set in a firm line. “I’m escaping because this is what is right.”
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