We're lined up in the main training room, finally sheltered from the cold.
There's a rope hanging from the high ceilings in the center of the room and I'm worried I know exactly what's happening. I'm still shivering when we're told to quiet down.
"At the top of the rope, there is a bell. If you make it to the top, ring the bell. Each of you will be given thirty seconds to attempt the rope climb."
There were murmurs in the crowd. Thirty seconds? That's impossible. That is a long rope. And my arms are practical sticks compared to some of these people.
The instructor motions to me and I look around. Me?
"Brooks. You're up first."
Oh shit. Oh fuck. Now I really am going to look weak.
I hear some jests and some cheers as I step up to the rope. I don’t have much upper arm strength but maybe I can sit most of the weight on my knees. I did this once before at summer camp when I was a kid. I have to keep the rope between my thighs, then I pull up. Simple.
I grab the rope and haul myself up with shaking hands. Oh my god. Not simple. Not simple at all. Once I lock the rope in place I hear Dixon call start on the timer.
I grit my teeth and pull up. My knees clamp on the rope and my foot supports me. I don’t think, I just go. I pull and pull with my weak arms that can’t stop quivering. I feel like a newborn baby calf and it’s embarrassing.
I pay no mind to the taunts below me. I keep my eyes forward. I’m only a quarter of the way to the bell when my grip slips and I slide down. My hands manage to catch myself but I’m dangling from my sweaty palms. If I fall now I might break something on the way down. I hear scattered gasps and some laughter. A grimace clings to my cheeks.
“Come on, Brooks!” A voice yells. Joan. “You’re almost there!” I’m really not but I appreciate the enthusiasm. I muster my remaining strength and pull myself back up. And I keep going.
I only reach a quarter of the way again when the instructor calls time. I feel defeated. With a grunt I slide down the rope. When my feet find the mat again, I collapse to my knees. This sucks. This whole day has been nothing but stupid. All because I’m weak.
“Taking a nap?” Dixon barks. I purse my lips together to keep them from noticeably trembling even though I feel like I’m going to cry. I grab the rope and pull myself to my feet. I can’t stay down. I have to keep going.
“No sir,” I snap back. I feel bare and it’s not just because I’m still missing my shirt. I feel like all my emotions are plastered on my face. I wish I could turn them off and become a statue of sorts. But I can’t. Instead I feel raw and explosive.
“Get up and move to the back of the line. You can twiddle your thumbs there.”
I do as I’m told and keep my head hanging low, avoiding any and all contact with everyone. I should be strategizing as I’m standing in the back, seeing who the strongest in the group are and what I have to do to push to the top. But I don’t. I keep my eyes on the ground, too wrapped up in my own head to see who makes it to the top and who doesn’t.
The rest of the training session for the day is like that as well, stuck in a weird fog I can’t wave away. When we’re dismissed I make a beeline for my room. I slam the door shut and head straight for the shower, where I spend way too long soaking in the hot water. I don’t cry but I want to. If I were to start crying I don’t think the tears would stop and I’m scared of that. So, instead, I let the scalding water turn my skin pink and I scrub until my skin is raw and I crawl right into bed with wet hair and I sleep.
I don’t wake up until it’s already dark outside. In a disoriented haze, I swing my feet over the side of the bed and look around. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this.
A loud knock makes me jump. I try to wake myself from my half-asleep trance while stuffing my feet into my shoes. I comb through my hair with my fingers to make it seem like I haven’t been sleeping for the past few hours and open the door.
Lucy is standing in front of me with her blond hair braided over her shoulder. She quirks a brow at me, stifling a laugh with a cough. I scowl. It comes naturally around her.
“You’ve been sleeping all day, Aiden?”
“Shut up. I had a long day.”
“I heard. I didn’t know you have what it takes to be a soldier,” she says.
“Yeah well you and I both. Today kicked my ass.”
“I can see that. Are you going to let me in or am I going to stay out here all night?”
With a bothered sigh I step aside. “So what have you been doing all day, huh?” I ask. She looks around and does a twirl before sitting on the couch.
“Training. Well, a different kind,” she tells the windows across from her.
“And what kind of training is Class C having you do?”
“Financial work. Numbers and figures. Taking a business minor in college is actually carrying my ass right now.”
“You? Working in finance?”
“Don’t sound so surprised, dumbass. Most people here work in offices anyway. Learning and recruiting and punching numbers.”
“But you have an actual gift. What are you doing in finances?”
“Don’t say it like that,” she sighs. “I’m just a fast learner.”
I sit back down on the edge of my bed apprehensively. Something in her voice sounds happy. Despite everything we just went through. I told her so.
“So that’s it? You’re just taking up a new job in this weird place and leaving your old life behind?” I couldn’t keep the accusation out of my voice. Even though I’m being a hypocrite. If anything, my words feel more directed at myself than at her. Lucy frowned and looked over her shoulder at me.
“What’s with that? Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing?”
“Well at least I’m not-” happy about it. I cut myself off and look at my untied shoelaces. The room suddenly feels too big and I too small.
“Aiden what do you want me to do? Honestly. What do you want from me? I’m doing the best I can. If I don’t keep moving forward I’ll get left behind and stay stuck there!”
“What? Like me?”
“Yes!” She yelled.
“What about losing our apartment? What about losing your job back home? What about Silva? Don’t you know people were injured? People died.” I didn’t even notice we were raising our voices until her next sentence came out as barely a whisper.
“I don’t know what’s going on in your head but if you want all of us here to keep on being miserable like you then I’m sorry to break this to you but some of us actually take action instead of wallowing in self-pity all day.” Her words felt like a stake in my gut. I flinch against them.
“It’s not self-pity! Isn’t any of this weird to you? The classes, the gifts-”
“Is that what this is about, Aiden?” My sister asks, rising from her place on my couch. “You’re just feeling left out because you don’t have a gift?”
I feel red hot with anger and I’m not sure why. Is she right? Am I just jealous?
“I don’t care about gifts,” I defend. “I just want to go home, Lucy. I want to go back to my shitty job and shitty apartment and shitty, boring life.”
“Well this is our home now, Aiden. Our apartment building is probably burned to the ground right now and Silva is God-knows-where. So stop being so goddamn whiny about it! Because where else would we go now? Live on the streets? It’ll be no better than here so suck it up or leave. But you should know that I won’t be going with you.” Lucy has tears in her eyes and I almost felt bad but I am far too angry to apologize.
“I didn’t invite you in my room to ridicule me,” I say quietly, biting back my harsher words.
“Fine, then,” she says, wiping the tears from her eyes before walking to the door. “I’ll just leave.” And before I can get another word in, she’s gone.
My back hits the bed hard and I yell into my pillow. I’m angry and frustrated and confused and afraid. But, most of all, I’m lonely.
I guess not everything’s changed.
Another sharp knock at the door grabs my attention. I get up and storm up to the door, swinging it open with a growl. “What, back to add insult to injury, Lu-”
Both my words and anger die on my tongue in an instant. It wasn’t Lucy who knocked on my door. It’s a man, with short black hair and deep gray eyes. Alex? He looks both amused and affronted at my outburst. Sudden shyness consumes me and I stammer for my excuse.
“I-I thought you were - I mean - uh hello.” Shit. I- shit.
“Sibling feud?” He asks, his voice deep enough to send a vibration through my chest. It’s the softest he’s ever spoken to me. I’m taken aback for a moment.
“Something like that.”
He clears his throat and the sharp look returns to his eyes. His voice hardens.
“You weren’t at the hall for dinner or lunch. I was told to check on you.”
“You? But why-?”
“Superior’s orders.” I wonder who Alex’s superior is. He doesn’t seem like the type of man to take orders, from the few moments I’ve spent with him.
“There’s a dining hall?”
Alex gives me a look, one that says more than a thousand words.
“You think we just starve everyone on campus?”
I shrug, looking away. Alex sighs and leans a shoulder against the frame of my door.
“Have you eaten at all since you got here?”
“A few granola bars,” I mumble aloud. To be honest I just haven’t been hungry. I’m too stressed out.
“A few granola bars? That must be why you look just about to pass out.”
“Whatever,” I frown, keeping my eyes down. I’ve had enough scolding for one day. “Why do you care anyways? Don’t you have more important things to be doing? Like insulting newcomers’ exam results or something?”
“If you don’t want to eat, just say so. I’m just doing my job.”
“And what is your job exactly? To bother rookies?”
“Something like that.”
I look up. Alex’s eyes are still trained on me. I feel antsy beneath his gaze. Something about those eyes makes me feel too vulnerable, so I turn away again.
“I don’t need your concern.” It’s not genuine anyways. “I’m fine.”
He hesitates for a moment, arms still crossed over his chest. But, eventually, he retreats.
“Suit yourself,” he hums. And I practically close the door on his face before he gets another word in.
I understand that I’ll never get accustomed to this life if I keep myself locked in my room all day. But part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to be weak and to go back to my stupid ungifted life in NYC.
And still I wonder if that’s what I really want. Do I really miss it or am I just afraid because my life is suddenly not what I originally planned? Yeah it’s confusing and overwhelming but at the end of the day isn’t this exactly what I wanted? A second chance? An opportunity to change; to get stronger; to be a better version of myself?
If I don’t keep moving forward, I’ll get left behind. Isn’t that what Lucy just said? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I was too defensive, just a little. I don’t want to get left behind. I don’t want to stay stuck in this awful cycle. I want to be someone. I want to change.
I run back to the door and swung it open, startled to see Alex leaning against the wall across from my door.
“You came back sooner than I expected,” he remarks with a sly smirk. I pucker my lips together and bite back whatever dumb insult I was about to say. I sigh instead.
“Where’s the food hall?”
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