"Brooks and Harris." Shit. I’m not ready. I’m so not ready.
The crowd parts like the red sea to let me pass. I recognize Harris. It’s the kid that shoved me to the ground during warm ups every single day. He would whisper insults into my ears whenever possible. He was the first one to reach the bell and the first one to brag about it. My stomach turns violently in my core. I feel like I’m going to throw up. This kid is vicious. And annoying.
“Kill him, Julian!” Someone behind me yelled. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked at my instructor. He looks indifferent with his arms crossed across his chest and his shoulder leaning against the mirrors.
“What’s wrong, Brooks?” Julian asked me, already in a fighting stance. “You look like you’re going to piss yourself,” he snickered. “What, are you scared? Going to run to mommy?” Suddenly my fear melted into pure anger. I clench my fists and raise them up, putting one foot forward and one behind me. “That’s a good reaction,” he smirked. “What? Mommy leave you too after seeing just how pathetic you are?”
Alex signals to start and I lunge. I know I should be calculating his moves but I’m angry. Nick was right, I let my emotions control the fight. But I can’t help it.
Julian smiles devilishly and grabs me by the shoulders to throw me to the ground. I get up before he can even land a hit in. Which is smart because he hits hard. But I’m faster.
He throws his full weight into his next punch and I take advantage of it and kick the back of his knee. He buckles and hits the mats. I don’t wait like Nick did. I slam my elbow into his chest. He groans but throws me off of him before I can attack again. He sweeps a leg beneath me and I fall. I get back up.
I lift my foot and bring the heel of my foot down hard on his right palm, his dominant hand. He yells and clutches his hand to his chest. Now he can’t punch with that hand, but he can still punch ridiculously hard with his left. He rolls to his feet and hits me in the cheek before I can dodge. I stagger back, the pain shocking my entire body.
“Head in the game, Brooks,” Alex snarls at me and I wonder what the fuck I did to piss him off. The anger that began to recede came back full force. I growl and throw my weight into a front kick. Julian catches my ankle and twists it. The pain shoots up my leg and I yell before snatching it back. He shoves me forward and I get a face full of sweaty mat. I get back up, even though my whole body is screaming in pain and exhaustion.
Before I can fully recover, Julian lands a roundhouse kick to my jaw and my head snaps back. I see stars before I hit the ground. Julian is wearing a sinister grin as he prowls toward me. My head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. He punches my face. Again. Again. I try to shove him off of me but I’m not strong enough. I’m not strong enough.
I’m not strong enough.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Brooks?” Alex yells. I feel hot tears press against my eyelids but I hold them back. I can’t cry. I can’t cry. “If you lose this fight,” I hear him shout above the cheering and booing and chanting. “Then pack your bags. You don’t belong here if you don’t win.”
Alex’s words hurt more than the entourage of punches raining down on me. Why is he being so hard on me? Why is he looking at me like that? What the hell did I ever do to him?
“Aw,” Julian sneers. He stops hitting me to look down on me. “Is the little boy going to cry? I wanna hear it. I want to hear you cry for your mom. You know it’s funny. A little birdy told me she’s dead. Is that true? She must have killed herself after seeing just how pathetic you are.” He laughed. My vision turned red. How dare you. How dare you even mention my mother.
The next few seconds were a blur. I blinked and suddenly I was pinning Julian to the mats, hitting him over and over until blood was streaming from his nose and lips, staining strands of his bright blond hair a crimson color. And I was crying. I was sobbing while I hit him, but I didn’t stop. My knuckles split and I kept going, our blood mixing between us in streaks of crimson. Julian’s eyes rolled to the back of his head, the whites twitching beneath his lids. And I still didn’t stop. Suddenly the whole world surges back into focus.
“I said that’s enough!” Alex shouts at me, above the roaring in my ears. I freeze, fist still wound back next to my face. The tears were still falling but I swept them away on the sleeve of my shirt. I look down at Julian. He's almost unrecognizable now. I couldn’t tell if the blood on his fist and my knuckles was his or mine. Both probably. I staggered to my feet and looked around. Everyone was staring, murmuring amongst themselves. No one was cheering now.
I make the mistake of looking at Alex. He looks both disappointed and furious at me. He pushes himself off the wall and marches closer. He’s only a few inches taller but, at that moment, I feel so small under his leer. This time his words came out as barely a whisper. I think it would have hurt less if he just lost his cool and screamed at me.
“That was pathetic, Brooks. Go outside and take a walk. I don’t want to look at you right now.”
I don’t answer. I can’t trust my voice right now. It feels like I’m swallowing glass. The lump in my throat grows. But I won, I want to say. I won.
But, I don’t feel good about it. I feel like trash, like complete garbage. I may have won but Alex is right, that was just a display of my own weakness. I’m not strong.
I turn on my heel and practically run out of the training room. It’s cold outside, so cold I can’t think. I’m grateful for that.
The tears flood down my cheeks in waves. I sink to my knees in the frozen grass and sob into my hands. The pain, emotional and physical, hits me all at once. Ugly hiccups tear themselves from my chest. Blood and tears streak down my face and hands. I feel like a fucking failure.
I was useless back home and I’m useless here too. As hard as I try, I can’t get past my own weakness. I lied to Dixon. I’m not strong after all.
I take a deep breath of cold air and try to clear my head. Eventually the tears stop coming. A strange calmness replaces it. Next time, I think. Next time I’ll win properly. I’ll get stronger and I’ll win. I can’t just give up now.
“Try not to take it to heart,” I hear someone behind me say. I don’t turn around. I don’t want whoever is behind me to see my splotchy eyes and puffy cheeks and the dried blood and tears on my face. “Instructor is just hard on those he has high hopes for. It’s easier said than done but try to see it as a positive thing. It means you have a lot of potential. And he’ll shape you up until you reach that potential.”
A girl with blond hair and cloudy blue eyes sits beside me in the grass. Her voice is soft, though her features are all angular and sharp. She’s not pretty in a conventional sense, but she’s striking in her own way. She’s got big eyes and full lips and a hooked nose. If I didn’t just see her beating the shit out of one of the biggest guys on the team earlier I would assume she’s incapable of violence.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in there with the rest of them?” I ask, wincing at how strained my voice sounds. She doesn’t seem to notice. She looks out at the trees ahead of us and shrugs with a smile.
“What’s Alexis going to do? Yell at me?” She chuckles and rolls her eyes. “I’m one of the best in this division. They can’t afford to lose me.” A small smile tugs at my lips. She knows her strength but isn’t self-absorbed. It’s a very admirable trait.
“You say all that like it’s coming from experience,” I observe.
“It is. He was the same way with me when I started out a few years ago.”
“He was?” I ask, rubbing my eyes before meeting her own. She nodded.
“At first I thought he was just cruel, just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. But, the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that he’s secretly a big softy.” The girl winks and I bite back a smile.
“Really?”
“You’d be surprised. But you didn’t hear it from me. And, anyways, he wasn’t just being vicious. I mean, look at me now. I may be small but I’m strong. I used to be weak but not anymore.”
“You’re saying I can be strong too?”
“You already are strong,” she says without hesitation. “But you’re afraid. Afraid of what you’re capable of, afraid of hurting others.”
“Ah,” I say, feeling my ears burn red. “You saw me crying.”
“Only a little,” she says with a guilty smile. “But that’s not the point. Alexis… he sees something in you. He’s good at that, seeing that thing that sparkles in people before they themselves see it. And he wants to bring it out of you. But only pressure makes diamonds, you know. I’m not excusing any harsh words he says. But I’m saying he’s doing this for you in the long run.”
I’m quiet as I think of Alex’s wild eyes yesterday as he dumped the wires in the toilet bowl. I think of the look on his face when I was taking those punches. Some part of me believes her. But I don’t want to believe her. I just want to hate him for some selfish part of me. Because then I don’t have to admit that he’s right.
“Thanks,” I say with a sigh. She shrugs. “You don’t seem very happy to hear that.”
“Well were you when you figured it out?”
“No,” she agrees with a chuckle. “But I got over it. You will too.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I pick at the dried blood on my hands and lean back. “Hey, what’s your name?”
“Amy.”
“Aiden.”
“Double A power,” she giggles and I roll my eyes, but a smile lifts my cheeks.
We’re silent for a minute, taking in the numbing cold around us. Amy nudges me with an elbow gingerly. My eyebrow quirks.
“You can say whatever you want about his attitude but Alexis is quite handsome, isn’t he?” She asks mischievously. A blush warms my cheeks violently and I rest the back of my palms on my cheeks to cool myself down.
“Amy!” I scold. She breaks into a laugh and I join her.
“That didn’t sound like an argument to me,” she says with another nudge and wink. I groan and try not to let the blush deepen.
“That's our instructor. And he’s an asshole.”
“Sure,” she shrugs. “But an attractive one. I mean the things I would do to that man if I got the chance.” Her grin deepened at my helpless reaction. I stammer and eventually shove her softly to get her to stop the teasing.
“I mean I’ve had dreams of licking those muscles-”
“Ok we are done with this conversation,” I almost shout. She laughs even harder and gets to her feet before extending a hand to me. I hesitate.
“Is it… ok? To go back?”
“Who cares?” She says with a smile. “That man is all bark, trust me. Plus, training isn’t over just yet so don’t think you can just ditch.” I smile and let her pull me to my feet.
“Does it look like I’ve been crying?” I ask her.
“Who cares?” she says again which tells me yes. But I’m grateful anyway.
When I enter the training room again, I don’t feel quite as anxious with someone beside me.
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