The hoop practically sang as the basketball swooped around the ring before sliding into the net, and cheers erupted from the men around me. Oscar ran over with his arms in the air, ready for a double high five–which I granted him, obviously, because it would have been rude not to.
“Damn, Liam! You’re on fire!” he bounced on his toes, lifting his shirt to wipe some sweat off his face. “I can’t believe I’m actually winning for once! I mean–we. We’re winning. Us. Together.”
Ian scrunched up his nose as he grabbed the ball and jogged back to the court. “Yeah, I thought you said you’d never played, dude?”
I shrugged, desperately trying to hide that I was struggling to catch my breath. “Beginners luck, I’m sure.”
Oscar smacked my shoulder. “Don’t be so modest! You’re up against two of Chestnut High’s star basketball players–and they never go easy on anyone, even me.”
I tried not to let myself smile, but it crept onto my lips anyway. My eyes flickered over to Duncan, who was even wearing his high school jersey–tradition, from the sound of it, because Ian was wearing his too. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, and he silently analyzed the court as if planning his next move.
“You boys and your sports ball games.” Connie flipped her hair over her shoulder and rolled her eyes as if she didn’t understand–because clearly, she was too pretty to know anything about sports.
Clearly.
“Isn’t it about time for a break? You should hydrate before Liam finishes wiping the court with you.” Connie rummaged through the bag she and Ian had brought with them, fishing for the Gatorade.
Ian groaned. “Why’d you have to say it like that, babe?”
Connie giggled. “I only speak the truth.”
Ian dropped the ball on the court and walked over to where Connie was sitting on the sidelines. She held a drink out to him, which he happily took and promptly began to chug. Oscar wasn’t far behind, followed by Duncan.
I hesitated.
We’d been hanging out more. Whether it was watching games as a group, or me going to the gym with Duncan, Ian, and Connie, or even getting dragged to Choir Night by Oscar, it was like they were always dragging me places or running into me. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell if it was because they actually liked me, or if they just wanted to pry for information about Dawny. Or maybe they just felt bad for me, since I was “the new guy.”
Whatever it was, it left me always wondering where I stood with them. I was simultaneously an old friend and the new guy. It was an awkward piece of the puzzle to try and fill.
“Aren’t you thirsty, Liam?” Connie asked as she slid away from where Ian had basically tangled her up in his arms. She hopped up, her little white tennis skirt bouncing with her, and bounded over to me to hand me one of the Gatorades.
I offered a half-smile as I took it from her. “Oh, right. Thanks.”
“You know, you look pretty cool out there. I bet you have all the girls entranced back in LA.” She winked and let out a playful little giggle.
I bit my lip. Normally I would laugh and shrug it off, but it did bother me–if only a little. Sure, I’ve dated girls–and I’m very very attracted to them–but it wasn’t just girls I was into. And it felt weird, having such a big part of my identity ignored.
Not that it was their fault.
They didn’t even know.
I let out a little half-chuckle and shrugged my shoulders. “Trust me, in LA, there are thousands of me. I’m not that special.” I walked with her back to the bench, where I caught Ian glaring at me for a moment. His eyes drifted to Connie and back to me, and he narrowed them as if to say “back off, she’s mine.”
Okay, so maybe it was time to set that record straight. Or rather, set the record gay.
“Actually, I’m kind of taking a break from all that stuff,” I explained.
“Why’s that?” Vi piped up, taking a sip from her Starbucks frap.
I paused, choosing my next weeds very very carefully. “Well, I guess you could say my last relationship… didn’t end well.”
Ian raised an eyebrow. “Well, that couldn’t be any more cryptic.”
Oscar sat down on the bench and grabbed one of the towels, draping it over his shoulders and using it to dry himself off a little. “What, did she break your heart or something? Somehow I can’t imagine that happening.”
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “I broke it off. Because he was a dick.”
A sharp, cold silence shot through the group–but I expected that. Connie’s mouth dropped open and she looked at Vi, who had lowered her Starbucks, and Duncan’s head snapped up to look at me. Ian and Oscar looked at each other like they were having some kind of telepathic conversation. And no one said anything.
Just act normal.
I grabbed a clean towel from my own bag, doing my best to keep a straight face. Just because my heart was pounding and my hands were clammy didn’t mean they had to know. Besides, there was literally no reason to feel weird–and if I was anywhere other than Chestnut, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
Oscar shook his head, as if rebooting. “Wait a second, Liam, you’re gay?!”
“Pan,” I instantly corrected. “Queer, even. Gay if you must, but, yeah. I am.”
“Holy shit,” Ian looked me up and down like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You?”
I scrunched up my nose. “Yes. Me.”
“Sorry, I just… wouldn’t have expected.” Ian’s voice trailed off.
I could have sworn I caught Duncan look me up and down, then gulp.
Whatever got him so twisted, I couldn’t possibly say. But I wasn’t going to let him treat me any different just because of my queerness.
Which went for all of them, actually.
“Yeah, well, there’s not exactly a dress code. Every LGBTQ person is different and all that.” I pat my forehead dry with the towel, pointedly not looking at any of them.
“So… your last relationship was with a guy?” Connie’s voice was like a tiptoe–like she was about to step into a field of land mines.
I sighed. “That is what I said. His name was Geoffrey. Yes, with a G, and yes, I fully should have seen it coming. Not my smartest call–but he was hot, and I was drunk, and we thought hey, why not give a one-night stand a shot at something more. Then he sucked. So I called it off.”
“So wait, you’re pan? Which means you’ve dated women too?” Vi leaned in, suddenly interested in the conversation. It was weird how she would go from totally ignoring me to grilling me in five seconds flat.
I shifted on my feet. “Yeah. I guess. And people who fall into other gender identities, too. Not that my dating history really matters all that much? I would still be pan regardless.”
“That’s why you left Sophie when she came onto you at the party! Oh, man, I totally get it now.” Ian roughly patted my shoulder, giving me a hardy bro shake.
My face twisted into a scowl. “You heard about that?”
Oscar scoffed. “This is Chestnut. The whole town heard about it.”
I groaned. “Oh. Great.”
“So who’s more your type then?” Ian gave me another rough shake before taking his hand away.
“Um… What?”
"Oh, come on, bro! Of the three of us!” He motioned between himself, Oscar, and Duncan.
I raised my eyebrow and huffed out an awkward laugh of surprise, taking in Oscar and Duncan’s joint look of absolute terror. I shook my head. “I am so not answering that.”
“Aw, come on, don’t be such a party pooper! It’s me, isn’t it? I’m clearly the catch here.” He was joking, and everyone knew he was joking because that was just the kind of person Ian was.
But that didn’t stop Duncan from shrinking into himself.
It didn’t stop Oscar’s smile from faltering as he looked down at his body.
Connie gave her boyfriend a shove. “Alright, enough. Don’t interrogate the poor guy.”
“Aw, babe, I’m just messing around!” He flung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in to place a gentle kiss on her temple. A smile parted her soft pink lips, and she snuggled into him.
“Well, mess around another time. Remember, I’m taking Vi to pilates at three so you boys better finish your game before then.”
Vi groaned. “I was hoping you forgot about pilates.”
“I never forget about pilates! And need I remind you, Ian, I’m your ride until the trucks out of the shop. So, up! Finish your little show of testosterone, please. Let Liam beat you so we can go.” She gave Ian a little shove, and he sprang to his feet.
“Hey! There’s still time for us to win! Right, Duncan?”
“Hm? Oh. Right. Totally.” Ian pulled Duncan to his feet and onto the court. Oscar was close to follow.
For a moment, I watched from the sidelines. Ian wrapped his arm around Duncan and pulled him down so he could rub a fist into Duncan’s hair while Oscar laughed. Wind brushed through my hair as the three boys got further and further away, their laughter sounding like a distant memory.
“Liam?”
I snapped my attention to Connie, who was looking at me with concern written all over her face.
“Aren’t you going to go play?”
“Oh. Right. Yeah, totally.” I looked back out at the court for a moment, and slowly put down my drink and the towel so I could go rejoin the game. It was strange. Being able to play with the guys was what I had always wanted. Being recognized as a guy was what I always wanted. And there I was, surrounded by people who would never think of me as anything but a man–well, a cis one, but it was sort of close.
And it struck me that something was missing.
Somehow, I didn’t feel like me.
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