Who the fuck invented Mondays? 

Hands down they were his least favourite day of the week. 

Monday’s meant that the cycle restarted. The cycle of pretending to be someone that he was supposed to be. 

Monday morning Jason did not step out of the house and get the bus to school, rather Rose did. 

Well technically Rose and Jason are one in the same. Still when he has to pretend to be a girl he has to also endure being called Rose. Therefore his mind managed to separate them as two different entities. 

Jason was loud and confident while Rose was shy and reserved. Both of them are two sides to the coin that made up who he fundamentally is.

Still it never got easier. Having to style his hair into a pixie cut and toe the line with the school’s dress code that is. Even if it was for his own safety. 

When he was at home there was no boy clothes, no tape, no freedom. 

He had to make do with a rota of jumpers, the same pair of chinos and a back to front sports bra that will probably break his ribs one day but he can’t bring himself to care. 

School wasn’t a place for him to be well… him. Better to fit in, keep his head down and pass his A-levels. 

Once he has done that he can officially say goodbye to his dead name and move on. But until then he can’t risk coming out. 

Not when he had so much to lose. 

So to his parents and his school he is Rose and Jason is reserved for the band and their fans. 

It was annoying and painful but it was his reality. 

Everytime he even thought about coming out to his family or school friends he became paralysed by a fear that didn’t have a name and yet still ate at his soul. 

This is why sometimes he feels like a faceless man. He gets lost in the role of Rose, unable to tell himself apart from her. He wears too many skins until he becomes no one. 

Its a special form of torture. 

Deep inside something shattered and his skin is slowly suffocating him but to the rest of the world he is fine. 

He smiles, participates and seems happy. Nobody has a reason to believe that he’s not and he can’t risk giving them one. 

All that matters is that he passes and goes to a good university. A good degree can get him a life outside of Rose in case the band falls apart. 

Let’s be honest. None of them will be able to remain teenagers forever, frozen in time. One day they will lose their audience and he will have to find another way to make ends meet.

He’s just being practical. 

He just needs to keep his eyes on the prize. 

The weekend. A glorious time when he doesn’t have to perform to anyone’s expectations of him. 

When he can just be himself.

It's more bearable now at least. Before meeting his bandmates there was no break. He was always Rose. 

The charade cut deep into his heart to the point where it gave way like a dam.

At least now he can take breaks. Without them he would probably be six foot under in a box.

So he goes through the motions. Counts down the days and he earns the title of overachiever again and again and again. 

Maybe it's maddening. Maybe it isn’t. 

If it is, he can't feel its effects anymore. Desensitization and all. It’s amazing. 

One day he will escape his boring monogamous life. One day he will but for now he has to sit through his own tailored torture and find solace in his secret life. 

Still the idea of a secret identity made it more entertaining. 

Firstly he gets to pretend that he is a superhero who leads a double life. 

Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Red Hood, Martian Manhunter. All of the best superheroes and vigilantes have secret identities. Through this he could lose himself in a made up fantasy land where he can’t reveal his true identity in order to protect those he loves rather than himself.

It also meant that he got to sit in on some bizarre conversations. 

Like for example when he had to listen to his sister talk about how fit Jasper is. If only she knew what he was really like, she would be repulsed at the sight of the little, witty, emo, vampire boy. 

Or that one time when his school friends made plans to go to one of his concerts, all of them were excited to see Jason live. He had to tell them he had plans with a family friend because what else could he say? 

“Sorry but I am performing in that concert” jeopardised his secret and it's not like he could say that he is planning on being poorly. That's too suspicious.

He doesn’t have to hide around the band, not like he has to around his school friends. He can just be without fear.

That's why as soon as the week cycles back around to Monday the mental count-down until the weekend starts again. 

After today there will only be four days to go until he can be himself again.