"What's so wrong with me?"

The next day is as eventful as one would expect. Everyone hurrying to get ready and no one being on time. 

“I don't understand why we have to get up so early to play.” Lillibeth complains, applying on her eye liner. The bus goes over a speed bump causing her hand to smudge black ink all over her forehead. “Damn it!” She cries, throwing her head back before trying to wipe away the makeup. 

We woke up late and didn't have time to do anything. 

“I don't understand how you guys were so late. I made the alarm clock for you guys.” Bre says. I put it on snooze. 5 times. 

“We have to rehearse before the breakfast.” I reply to Lillibeth, ignoring Bre’s comment. 

“Why are we playing for a breakfast anyways? Why can't we play for a dinner like normal people?” Bre complains. 

“Well technically it’s a brunch and I don't mind getting up early.” Says the girl who was late. 

“Finally I'm done. So? How was your swim with the boys?” Lillibeth asks me with her now perfectly painted face.

I shrug. “Nice.” Lies. All me and Colin do is lie. He made me feel like shit. He makes me feel powerless in a fake world I created where I'm perfect. I know they are my friends and friends tell each other everything but I can only imagine how less they will look up to me when they find out I was rejected. Agin. By a boy 2 years younger than me. I'm supposed to be the pretty one. The Perfect one. He’s supposed to want me. Beg for me. It’s embarrassing how this boy has me on my knees. Craving something I’ve never even tasted. Never even knew I wanted. Needed. I want him so bad I hate him. I hate myself. 

“I didn't stay long though.”

“That would be a nice date. Going late night swimming. Sex by the pool” Bre thinks out loud. Me and Colin kind of had a date. It just ended with me throwing my drink in his face.

“That's about to be me when I bag one of these collage boys.” Lillibeth does a little dance as she speaks.

“ Right after we’re done playing I'm changing my clothes and getting my freak on. I low key forgot we actually had to play during this trip.” She stops dancing to look at her sheet music. 

“I’m sight reading this. I haven't been to class in months.” She laughs. 

“You shouldn't laugh about skipping class.” I say going over my own sheet music and writing extra notes. The music for the ensemble isn’t too hard from what we play at concerts but it is oddly fast for it being background music for a collage brunch.

Lillibeth rolls her eyes at me. “Don't you go to class everyday and still fail?  If you are going to fail, at least have fun.” 

“No. No. I didn't fail. D’s get degrees sweetheart.” 

“Tell that to the old man who's going to be paying you to dance.” Not if I marry Colin. With the amount of money his family has I'll be set as a housewife. 

‘But we aren't marrying Colin. Are we?’

“ I sure will. Stripers make good money, don't talk to me when you're trying to get into the club I'm dancing at.” 

Bre nods her head. “ They do make good money. Men are losers. If this military thing doesn't work out I just might become one.” 

“I would but I don't have enough arm strength. Them girls are strong.” Lillibeth complains. We all nodded our heads agreeing with her. 

“ But you won't be a stripper because you're going to marry.” Lillibeth whispers. “ Colin Carter.” I pull a face. 

‘If only they knew how much that boy hated me.’

“ Yup. Don't talk to me when I become the next Nara Smith.” I joke. 

Lillibeth rolls her eyes.”Ok Mrs Atticus Carter.” My eyes widen as I shush her. “Be quiet, he might hear you.” But keep saying it. It has a nice ring to it. 

The college is nice and open. The staff are still setting up the tables and food. The sun is shining brightly but the wind that comes every once and a while feels great. 

“These white dresses make us look like we’re getting married.” Bre says, twirling in her long dress. She isn’t lying. We usually wore black but because we are in a sunny place and would be outside Dr.Martin got our uniforms in white.

“I can't wait to get this thing off of me. It’s kinda cute though.” Lillibeth says. 

“Forget the dress, do you guys smell that food?” I ask watching the caterers place the burners. As if she could hear us, Dr.Martin comes to where the whole Orchestra is awkwardly standing. 

“Ok so here's the plan. We get to rehearse for like 20 minutes before guests arrive and technically this isn't our event so afterwards you all get one plate.” She looks at us to make sure we understand. “One plate before we head back on the bus and to the hotel. You all will get free time to do whatever you want till tonight understood? If I hear one complaint I'll send you home.” One plate of food is wild. We all hurry to unpack our instruments and get set up. 

And of course after the night we had Colin is sitting right next to me. It’s only three songs. I can get through 3 songs of me being subconscious of him watching me play. I mean he can't because he will have to play too. So I have nothing to worry about. 

I was right. We overall played nicely. We started and ended at the same time and our subdividing was perfect. I’ve never seen Dr.Marten look so happy in her life. She gave us a thumbs up. (Which is rare for a music teacher) before dismissing us to get off the stage.

We all quickly pack our stuff, ready to eat. Dr.Martin being the first to leave. 

I quickly go after her. 

“Martin, Martin!” I scream. She turns around. 

“What?” 

“I need to pee.” I’ve been holding it in since we started playing. 

She looks panicked. 

“What? We seriously can't even use the bathroom at this place? This college isn't even an Ivy.” 

“I know right? These people are being hella greedy. When they told me you guys could only get one plate of food I almost went off on them. But you should be good. Just be quick so you can get your plate and we can leave. I hate being around these snobby people.” She quickly walks away taking a glass of white wine off the table next to us. But she didn't tell me where the bathroom was… 

I wander around a little till I find it. The bathroom is nice with a couch and warm lighting. Great for taking pictures. I quickly do my business before walking out to wash my hands and seeing Lilibeth changing into a mini skirt and tank top. 

“Girl, we're really only here for a few minutes. You really think you'll have time to mingle?” She looks at me as she adjusts her bra. 

“Every second counts.” I laugh as I go up to the sink next to her to wash my hands. 

“So how do you think we played?” I walk over to get paper towels before going back to her and leaning on the counter. 

“ Good. My sight reading was on point. But didn't you say you went swimming with the boys last night?” Oh no. I remain calm looking at her. Wanting to know what she knows before I admitted I lied. 

“Why?” The silence is killing me. I can feel myself start to sweat. 

‘I really hope I don't sweat through this dress.’ 

“Jayden said he went nowhere last night but does remember Colin coming back late.” She said, “In his swim trunks.” Fuck you Jayden and your small mouth. 

I didn't want to lie.There are already so many. “Yes. I was with Colin last night.” I don’t have to explain anything else. It wouldn't be lying for not telling. 

She smiles. “So what? Are you guys like dating now? Friends with benefits?” She teases. 

I roll my eyes. 

“What no. We just talked.” 

“About what.” 

I sigh. “I’ll tell you later ok. I'm really hungry.” I say walking past her to the door. 

“Fine but I want to know.” 

“Whatever.” 

Luckily the rest of the morning went well. I got my food and Lilibeth didn't ask anymore questions.

The afternoon sun is bright and almost burns as it hits my bare shoulder. I like the burn though. It makes me feel human. 

“Ah man, I forgot sunscreen. Do I have some in my bag?” Lilibeth asks, pulling over the bike. After we came back from the brunch we all changed and headed to the beach town close by for our free time.

I glance at the ocean and watch some of our classmates play volleyball as I search for the tiny red book bag on the back of the bike. After searching around and hitting nothing that felt relatively close to a plastic bottle I got the bag off its hook and looked inside. 

“Lil. Why do you only have condoms in the bag?” I lift my tinted glasses to get a better look at her tan face and she turns to look at me. 

“I always come prepared. Take some.” She winks. 

I sigh and place that bag back on the hook. “And use them for what? Ziplock bags? No. You don't have any sunscreen. I look forward to seeing your skin peel.” I joke. 

“ Ha ha ha. We should go to town to look for some. Text to group chat.” She turns back around ringing the tiny pink bell of the pastel yellow bike. 

“Hold on.” She screams as she starts paddling.

Even though the sun is hot the wind makes up for it. I watch as my classmates become smaller and smaller as we ride farther away. The local town is nice and urban. Nothing like how it is back home. The girls walk in nothing but bikinis and flip flops and the boys in just shorts. I look down at the gravel. Following a pebble until it became out of sight just to find a new one. I think about last night and hold tighter to Lilibeth’s waist. Even though I was mad at him then I have a strong urge to apologize so I could have an excuse to talk to him again. I can never stay mad at him for long. And even when I can I still want to be by him. He’s my drug, but I only feel the defects. 

 I keep blowing to keep Lilibethes light brown hair from getting into my mouth. 

‘I’ve got to remind her to tie it when we get off.’ 

Lilibeth is perfect. Though I'm sure I'm the only one who thinks that. We’ve known each other since 6th grande but have  been friends for four years. She’s beautiful. Perfect height with tan skin littered with light brown freckles on her cheeks. She always makes sure to do her makeup just right and it makes her look more fierce than she is. But she is crazy. 

The little shop she pulls up to is made of bricks painted poorly in yellow and has white big windows. The double doors are wide open with a painted sign with poor handwriting that has very poor english. Something along the lines of, ‘ Open Shop’.

“This place looks cute right?” She asks. Taking the red bag and wrapping it around her shoulder. 

“Yes. It's nice. Hopefully they have a bathroom too. How’s my hair?” 

“It’s fine. If the bathroom is cute we can take pictures.” She winks. 

The shop is just as small as it looks. The only person inside is a little brown lady at the register. The shop holds little trinkets of sea glass and cheap sandals of all colors going up a wall. Clearly a shop made for tourists. 

“Excuse me? Do you have sunscreen?” Lilibeth screams a little too loud. The little lady points to the very back and Lilibeth quickly makes her way over. 

“Do you perhaps have a bathroom as well?” I asks when the Little lady eyed me next. Again without speaking she points to the back. The shop has no conditioning and smells purly of sea water. As I make my way to the back I look at all the little glass figures. Turtle, dolphin, whale. The only thing catching my eye being a little  glass box that was too shiny to be see through. I gently grab it and place it in the middle of my palm. It fit perfectly in my hand. 

“Ten dollars for the black American.” The little lady gets out.    

“Oh no, just looking.”  She gives me an unsure look and watches me closely as I place the glass box back on the wooden shelf. Her eyes remain on me as I walk to the back to catch the eyes of the neon restroom sign. 

The bathroom was as I expected. Barely any room and a single sign and a toilet that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years. 

“That little bitch  thinks because she's old I wont pop her.” I hear Lillibeth say from outside the door. 

“Girl, she can probably hear you.” 

“I doubt it, this shop is full. Bitch too poor to buy hearing aids.” 

I sigh and quickly wash my hands. 

I’m sure she didn't mean it that way..

“Let's just go. I don't want my day to ruin tonight.” I say as I open the door to reveal her skinny self. 

“Ooooo. What color do you plan to wear?” 

“It's a surprise. You know I like to make it a big deal.” 

We walk back to the front to leave, passing the little glass box. 

“Sunscreen?” 

“Hell no. Not from her.”

Lilibeth put her bag in the little flower basket in the front of the bike. “Where should we go next? Would hate to ruin a good outfit on a boring day.” Truth. She gets on the bike and thankfully pulls her hair back.

“Hold on.” 

I quickly walk back into the shop, grabbed the little glass box and walk to the register. 

“Twenty dollar.” 

“But you said earlier it was only ten.” She shrugs. 

‘Ok then’ I give her thirty. 

“ Add some sunscreen to it too,” I smile. The little lady glares at me as she rings me up.

“You’re too nice, you know that?” Lilibeth complains as she watches me gently place the bag in the woven basket.

“I always have my reasons even though you don't believe me.” She rolls her eyes. 

We ride around for a while slowly seeing what we want to do next. 3:47. My watch reads. I sigh. 

“ We still have about four hours till we need to be back to the resort.” I state. 

“What happened with you and Colin last night?” I scrunch my nose. 

“Did you have to ruin the mood? It's a nice day, we look cute and you decide it’s a good idea to mention the guy that I lowkey want to kill?” 

“So it went bad. Want to kill him you say? What happened to wanting to kidnap him and putting him in our basement?” She laughs. 

“I would never do such a thing.” I would. 

“What did he do this time, or should I say didn't do?”

“Let's just have a good day. Want to go get ice-cream then take pictures?” 

“I thought you’d never ask.”