4

Coming Down

As I wake up I feel the sunset on my face. I can hear Lillibeth snoring beside me and I am careful to not wake her. It’s around 8. I get up and walk to our balcony that faces the ocean. The sky is a mix of purples and oranges. Beautiful. Pulling out my phone to take a picture before sitting down on the little lawn chair. Kicking my feet up on the ledge and enjoying the hot air on my skin.

'We will have to get up for dinner soon.'

I dread the idea. Having to face Bre. How do I act? Neutral? What if she wants to talk about it as a group?

'No she can't do that, Colin will most likely sit with us.'

Why couldn't she just have waited till the last day or when the trip was over? I want to go home. Lay in my own bed, in my own house. I sigh and scroll on Instagram. I feel as if I see the same things every day. The same routine, nothing different. I check Colin's to find it the same as always. Only one picture of ice cream that was posted when he was in the 7th grade. Colin isn’t on social media much. His account is private and he only follows 31 people.

'Including me.'

I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or because he's insecure. Either way, I like that I don't have to worry about other girls stalking him because there is nothing to see.

'No girl wants a boy as ugly as him anyways.'

Bre was just being rude. I can understand why she'd be mad at his actions but being mad at his looks is rude. He can't control the way he looks.

'I think he looks cute no matter what.'

But I'm not stupid. I understand why other girls wouldn't look at him. He does look kinda weird, but don't we all?

I go to our messages just to cringe at the sight. I forgot. Colin left me on delivered in December, not only on Imessages but on Snap as well. It's now May.  

"Oh Colin, what am I going to do with you?" I whisper to myself. Nothing. There is nothing I can do because he's not mine.

'But last night felt so good.'

I'm starting to think last night was a mistake. Just another thing he can complain about when school starts up again. I don't want anyone to know. But I can't control his thoughts or actions.

'If I could, we wouldn't be in this situation.'

We need to talk but I can't trust him to be truthful. Sometimes I think Colin doesn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes I think he thinks it's better to lie to me than tell me how he feels. But in the end, he just hurts me more. He doesn't know he hurts me. He doesn't know I know everything.

'Well, I hope not.'

I just now mentioned the Haddam thing to him and I was never planning to tell him what she said. What would he do anyway? It's not her fault her little brother is a bitch-.

“ Hey, we gotta get ready for dinner soon, how long are you gonna be out here?"

Lillibeth asks. She is wearing an oversized sweater and her hair is messy.

'Cutie.'

" I'm… I'm getting up now." I say standing and walking back inside the room, Lillibeth locks the sliding door coming in behind me.

"Ok, you use the bathroom first. I'm going to lay back down for a little bit." She crawls into the bed and coveres her head completely.

"We should go down to the beach after we're done eating," Jayden says, stuffing his face with his third plate of mac'n'cheese.

"Hell no. My muscles still hurt after today." Bre complains. She hasn't said anything. Hasn't even looked at me. And I was right about Colin. Dinner in the hotel is nicer than we all thought it would be. It is an American buffet style with all types of food and desserts to pick from.

"Oh come on. It'll be fun. Just us running on the beach at night."

" Don't we have a bonfire on our last day?" I ask, stuffing my face with catfish and bread.

"Ew, did you just dip your bread in hot sauce?" Jayden asks.

"What? It's good." I say, taking another piece.

" Ooo, I forgot all about the bonfire, I didn't bring an outfit for that." Lillibeth thinks out loud.

"What, out of all those clothes on our floor you can't wear none of them?" I ask.

" No. I need the perfect outfit for it. It'll be our last day in paradise." She states.

"We're getting off-topic. We should go tonight but just us." Jayden explains.

"Why?" Bre ask.

Jayden roughly pats Colin on the shoulder.

"For our boys Colin's birthday, hello?" He says, like it’s  obvious.

" What?" Colin says, finally listening to what is happening.

"Oh come on. You turned 15 last week. We need to celebrate buddy.'' Jayden keeps patting him awkwardly on the back.

What is Jayden getting at here? Clearly, it's not for Colin.

"What no, that's ok." He says softly.

"Yeah that's not our job, that's Attius' job." Mathew jokes but no one finds it funny.

To be completely honest I forgot all about Colin's birthday this year. Oops. I knew it was his birthday after the day was finished.  I just didn't get him anything or say anything.

"Oh come on, that was funny. Get it because they're like together but not…" He trails off.

"Dude Atticus is over Colin now didn't you hear on the bus? Weren't you the one who said it?" They are all so stupid.

"So? That doesn't mean she was over him last week." Mathew says like it was obvious.

Is it wrong that I forgot his birthday? He didn't tell me a happy birthday last year.

"Can we please stop talking about us like we're not here?" No one hears me.

" So tell us Atticus… Did you give Colin a little birthday present?" He asks, making an inappropriate gesture with his hands.

Colin laughs awkwardly at the joke.

'This asshole.'

I very loudly sigh, expressing my frustration. I did think about getting him a present when I found out about the trip. I had it all planned out. Knowing we'll be on the trip with no parents, it was the perfect opportunity to have him all to myself. The thought of having him in that way seemed so far away…

'I was sucking his dick last night.'

Maybe not…

I look at him to find him already looking at me.

'More like my chest..'

I don't blame him. I look hot, as always. I have on a strapless black top that is tied in the back exposing my backside. The bottom of the shirt is white and flares over my white denim mini-skirt. It’s paired with a push-up strapless bra to make my A's look like C's.  

             He has that same boring facial expression, but his eyes hold the same look as last night. A look I can now claim as lust. I hate it when he stares at me.

'But it feels so good.'

He has been good to me so far….

Maybe I should give him a birthday present.

"Ew, that's gross," Bre says with a rude face. Looking at me as if she knew.  

"Oh don't act like that. We all know how much of a slut you are." Jayden says as if we were going to back him up.

'Here we go again with these two.'

"Oop" Lillibeth says from beside me. Pulling out a pen to distract herself with doodling on her napkin.

"What did you just say to me midget?" She asks back.

" Ok, we all know I'm short." He says with fake surprise. He really is though.

" But let's see how many guys have you slept with?" He says putting his hand on his chin.

" I don't see why it matters." She is really getting mad.

"Because you're getting on Atticus when you're the one you should be judging." Tea.

"Jayden it isn't that big a deal," I say wanting to stop before they start screaming.  

She looks like she is about to say something but looks at Colin to find he is already looking at her and changes her words.

'It would've been so awkward if she insulted him right in front of him.'

" I was just joking, Bre. I could care less about who you fuck."

"A joke that's not fucking funny Jayden."

Omg.

Colin silently excuses himself to get more food. I don't blame him. This shit is getting hella awkward. I watch him as he fakes interest in other foods.

'Perfect.'  

The 'birthday' present I had for Colin was highly inappropriate. But it's been 3 years and it just feels like every day he just gets farther away from me. I will admit I never saw Colin in this way till this school year. But everything just changed. His transition from a boy to a young man was highly noticeable. It's weird to think of him as a man now. I knew him when he was barely 5 feet and thought fart jokes were funny. But now… He's like a whole new person. He changed. I changed. My innocent thoughts of wanting to go on cute dates and take pictures soon transformed into wet dreams and me watching him tune his cello and imagining it was me. A thought that seemed so far but now I can taste it. I could have him. Tonight.

" Can I use your pen real quick?" I quietly ask Lillibeth as Jayden and Bre keep fighting. She reluctantly hands it to me while she finds tending to her make-up to distract her.

I write a simple note for Colin on my napkin to come to my room.

'What about Lilli though?'

" Hey, you want some cake?" I whisper to Lillibeth, handing her her pen.

"Ooo, yes, please. Red velvet." She whispers back. Going back to doodling. I get up, taking the note with me. The buffet has many desserts to pick from. I grab Lillibeth's velvet before deciding on ice cream for myself. I spot Colin piling his plate with pizza.

'I can do this. Just don't think about it.'

It's not like it'll be the first time talking to him. But it's always so awkward.

'Just act normal.'

But what does normal look like!?

Before he walks back to the table I walk over to him, being careful not to drop the food.

"Hey," I say too desperately. He turns to look at me. He looks at my face and looks like he is holding back a smile.

Before he can say anything I rearrange my hands and awkwardly give him the note.

"Read it if you have time," I say, walking past him. Why am I so awkward?

'I hope he doesn't read it.'

The table is much like how I left it. Jayden and Bre are still arguing. I hand Lillibeth her cake before taking my seat.

"Dude chill, it's really not that big of a deal." Jayden sighs.

" Not a big deal?! You just called me slut in front of everyone." She snaps.

" Jayden just say sorry." Mathew pleads.

"Fine, you're not a slut you're just a female who has a boyfriend and still chooses to sleep with other guys."

"No," Mathew whispers.

"I'm young, I can sleep around."

" Then break up with him."

"No."

Bre… Bre and James. They've been together since the beginning of last year. I've never seen them together but they always text. I've been so distracted I haven't asked her about it for a while. Why does she sleep with so many guys even though she's with James? Why doesn't she just break up with him? Looks like we all have secrets.

Bre gets up in a fit of rage and storms off. Lillibeth sits her fork on her empty plate.

" I'm going to go talk to her." She turns to me. "I probably won't come back tonight."

'Perfect.'

We watch Lillibeth run after Bre before we all eat in awkward silence.

"Thanks for defending me Jayden." I guess that's what he was trying to do.

He smiles at me. " No problem girl." Silence fell over us again.

" So who wants to hear a joke?" Mathew asks.

"Please don't." Jayden groans. Playing with his food. I watch as Bre and Lillibeth turn the corner and catch Colin's eye. He gently nods his head.

I really hope this is not a mistake.

Is it a mistake? (Replay the song for the next chapter then play the next song)