The walk back to my hotel room is oddly silent. Every step I take is overly loud and I can hear my heart beat fast. This is a mistake. I shouldn't have invited him to my room. What will we even do? I'm sure he's already overly cocky about last night. I'm just handing him the gun to shoot me now. I open my room door and quickly get in the shower. Why would I do this? Right after the talk I had with Bre? I'm stupid. This is stupid. I look at the razors that are back on the side of the bath. I don't need them. He can rather have all of me or none of me.

'I'm so full of shit.'

What are we going to do? Have sex? No. He's only 15. This is wrong. I'm a horrible person. Of course, he doesn't like me back. I look at the razors again.

'I should just slit his throat. Then mine.'

I make sure to clean everything twice before I finally get out.

'Is this all he'll ever want me for?'

I don't care. As long as I have him.

I quickly put on lotion, only the important spots, and choose my silk green night clothes. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm beautiful. Truly. I make sure to button only the button over my breast and fold my silk shorts to make them appear shorter.

Ok. I'm ready.

Lip gloss?

I grab the lip gloss and lightly apply some before putting on gold earrings to make the green stick out.

Now I'm ready. I sit on my bed and wait. And wait 10 minutes. I look around my messy room. I should probably clean for him. I pick up random stuff and put them in our suitcases. Every once and a while glancing at my phone. I'm quick. Not refolding and re-bagging. I sit on the bed and wait. An hour. A fucking hour. You have to be fucking joking.

'I fuckin hate myself.'  

Of course, he's not coming. I want to cry.

'Don't cry. You did this to yourself.'

He's probably laughing about how stupid I am. Like he's done so many times before. Why? Why does he have to do this? Why can't he just pretend? I do it all the time. Just once why can't he want me?

'I want to cry.'

He probably thinks I'm, 'easy' or whatever the fuck they say. Am I really so ugly he doesn't even want to use me?

'Don't cry.'

Why would I ever think he'd want me? He deserves so much better.

'Don't fucking cry you piece of shit.'

I need a distraction. Now. I'm not going to cry over him. Bre was right. He should be lucky I even looked at him. No other girl will do the things I do for him. He'll understand that soon. All his other friends will start to get girlfriends and he'll be a third wheel. No one will want him. No girl is going to let a boy as ugly as him fuck them over.

I take off my earrings and put on my scarf and bonnet before getting into bed. This is probably for the best anyway. I grab the remote and switch the channels. I need something that's not romantic. South park. That's good. The time showed it for 3 hours. I should be asleep in the next three hours so it's perfect. I could feel my back stretch. The dry skin cracking. I was so focused on him that I forgot to properly lotion myself. I hate feeling dry skin. I hate seeing dry skin. I don't understand how people walk about with dry skin.

But I would hate to get out of my comfy spot.

I walk quickly to my suitcase which is now a mess to find my little travel oil. I get back into bed and start to rub the baby oil around my legs. This show low-key pisses me off. If my kids acted like them I'd put them up for adoption. Kenny's cool I guess. But Cartmen? I'd kick his ass. I get back into a comfortable position and start to rub my hands.

"Knock, Knock."

I freeze and quickly put the TV on mute.

'I know I'm not trippin.'

"Knock, knock,"

Great, now I'm about to get kidnapped. I always hear those stories on the internet of girls being watched in their hotel rooms and then taken away in the night. Now it's going to happen to me too. Maybe this should happen. Maybe then Colin will finally notice me. Maybe he'll feel guilty and realize what we could've had.  

" Knock, knock, knock."

I go to grab the lamp from the nightstand before I lay my eyes on Lillibeth's Key card.

'Really?'

I almost had a heart attack because of her. I sigh and make my way to the door. That girl is always forgetting things. I open the door. Letting the cool air of the hallway into my room.

Colin.

His hair is slightly damp and he is wearing a white tee and pajama pants.

'Damn, he looks good in anything.'

" You really took your time hu?" I sass.

" Sorry the other guys took their showers before me"

I want to believe him. But he is probably lying. Like always.

This is a horrible idea.

I let him in. Staying at the door as I watch him walk in and awkwardly stand in the middle of my room. This is weird. He shouldn't be here. I know he shouldn't be here. But I want him so bad. Even if it's just this.

"You can sit, you know." I could have said that nicer. I hate the lying. 

We need to talk. 

He slowly sits on the side of my bed. He watches me as I watch him.

What do you want from me, Colin?

The feeling of his eyes on me makes me hyper-aware that my shirt is practically open. My shorts are too short. But his eyes don't move from me. Just like last night. He is like a whole different person. Is this side of him real or fake like the rest of him?

'You don't really mean that.'

I wonder how he felt. I'm pretty sure that was his first kiss. His first everything. I wish he'd ask me. I could describe it to him. Tell him how good I felt. How good he made me feel.

I'm so proud of you, I would say.

"How was last night?" I whisper. The silence is loud. I know if I don't speak first we won't speak at all.

He looks at me the same way he has been all day. Like he wants me. Charises me. Likes me. Maybe he does deserve a little present.

"Perfect. I didn't..." He trails off.

" I didn't expect you to do something like that." He whispers. His shyness comes back as he looks at my feet.

This. This is why this is a bad idea. He knows how to play me just right. I like it when he acts shy. I know he can be a monster when no one is looking. I like to think I'm the only one who can tame that side of him. Like it's my job to bring that side out of him. He can make me needy by simply doing nothing. And I love it. I love it when he plays with me. I want him. I've wanted him for so long. All those lonely nights imaging him in my bed.

'He has no idea of all the ways a woman can seduce a man.'

But he's right here. On my bed. In my bed. I felt him. I know what he tastes like. I know the feel of his body close to mine, the feel of his lips, his tongue. His hands on my hips. I want more. I want to know everything. I want more. Need more. Please, Colin. I'm begging. Just tell me you love me. Even though I know you don't. I want you to use me. I love it when you use me.

I hum, slowly making my way over to him. He is so cute when he acts shy. It makes me feel special. Like I am the only girl that can do this to him. Make him feel the way he does.

" Was that your first kiss?" I ask when I finally stand in front of him. I just have to know.  

He looks to the side. "Was it that bad?" He jokes.

'He's actually insecure about it.'

Such a baby. My baby.

'No, he's not.'

But I'm his. Forever and always.

I run my hand through his damp curls. Making him face me.

"What do I always tell you? Look at me when I'm speaking."

" Sorry." My eyes scan his face.

'So handsome.'

" You were good. I liked it." I can feel my heart jumping. Being close to him always makes me feel dangerous.

He looks at me. Studying me. He leans into me. Resting his head on my stomach as I play with his hair.

'We need to talk.'

But I don't want to. It's not like you'll be honest anyway.

"You smell nice." He says into me, his breath on my skin makes me shiver. I move his head so I can see his face. His glasses are left in his hotel room and I can see his face perfectly. I rub his face with my hands.

"Thank you. Your face is soft." I poke his cheek. So cute.

He shrugs. "I don't know why."

"You didn't put on lotion?"

"No." Weirdo.

He looks at my night set. Starting with my thighs and slowly moving his eyes up to my face. He brings his hand up to play with the fabric of my shirt. Swaying the shirt as if hoping to get a peak of what is underneath.

'Yes, please. Take it off. Touch me. Show me how shameless you can be.'

"I like this." He whispers.

I hum. We sit in silence for a while.

"Is that all you liked about last night? That kiss?" I move between his legs. Standing over him.

He shrugs again. " Like I said. I didn't know you could do something like that." Oh, I can do that and so much more if you want me to.

"So I did good?" My need for your approval is sickening.

"Was that your first?" He asks. The look in his eye changes. The air suddenly becomes thick.

"No. I've done it before." His grip on my shirt tightens as he looks behind me. And here we go again. Just fucking look at me, Colin.

"With who?"

"He's not important."

"Clearly he is if you liked him enough to..." This asshole can't even say the word. I don’t want to talk but I fear we have to.

" It was just the heat of the moment."

"Then what was it with me?" Don't. Don't do this to me.

"I don't know Carter. You tell me. You kissed me, remember?" Tell me. Tell me your motive, tell me your darkest secrets, what keeps you up at night. I won't tell. I’ll guard them with my life.

He doesn’t say anything. He just looks at the wall. Still holding my shirt.

"Look. Look at me when I speak to you, Colin. I won't tell you again." I grab his curls harder and his eyes twitch as he looks at my face. This fucker has the audacity to be mad at me? 

"What do you want from me, Colin?" I softly ask him.

"You."

Shit.

The room out of nowhere feels ten times colder. I feel my nipples get hard as the fabric of my shirt rubs against them.

I take my hands down to his shoulders. Fiddling with his shirt.

" Do you Colin?"

"I've been stupid."  

"I know."

" Atticus," He says desperately.

"Colin." He is giving me that look again. He wants me. Right here. Right now.

'Fuck Colin.'

"Atti." His hand still at his side twitches and the other grabs and pulls my shirt but refuses to touch me. As if silently asking for permission. Doesn't he already know I'm all his?

ch me. As if silently asking for permission. Doesn't he already know I'm all his?

"Tell me how you felt last night Colin." I lean down. Leaning my forehead against his.

"Good." He said breathlessly. Looking at my mouth.

"Just good?"

He makes a weird noise in his throat.

" I liked seeing you like that. I rarely see you look so…"

"So?"

"Submissive?" He did not just say that. My eyes widen as I back away a bit. Smiling.

"Colin Carter."

He laughs shyly.

"I didn't know what else to say."

"So you use submissive?"

"I don't know. It just felt nice knowing I could make you feel... Good?" He looks trapped. I laugh.

" You liked watching me ride your thigh, you mean?" He blushes.

"Yeah.." I'm still surprised he did that. How did he know to do that? I remember last night.

'C-Colin'.

Fuck it felt nice. I feel my heart speed up. I can still feel the heat of his gaze, the feel of his hands on me. Feel him.

"Were you?…" He looks down at my shorts.

"Wet? Horny? Turned on?" He blushes more. Looking back up at my face.

"Yeah."

"I was. It felt nice."

He looks away before looking back at me.

"You're not just saying that to make me feel better?" He jokes but I know there is truth to his words.

'No. I'm not  a liar like you'

"No, I liked it. Even the kiss." I say. He looks down again. But I'm not mad.

"Liked it enough to do it again?" Colin you little devil. Where is all this confidence coming from?

He watches me. Hope in his eyes.

'It'll be funny to say no and see what he does…'

" You want to kiss me, Colin?" I tease. Smiling at his desperate face.  Leaning my forehead back against his.

"Please?"  He leans up and gently places his lips on mine. Giving me a little kiss before pulling away and watching me again.