"It's ok, just like last night," I whisper. He nods his head before leaning up and fully putting his lips on mine. I lean my body on him as I kiss back.

I wish we were like this all the time. Unlike the room he is warm and mine. Even If it is only for tonight. I can be shameless just for one night. I deserve it. I slowly pull away and watch him. He slowly opens his eyes. Confusion. I grab his hand which is now gripping my sheets for dear life.

"You can touch me, you know?" I whisper. Bring his hand to my hip.

"I know." His eyes watch his hand that is now gently cradling my hip.

"Then why don't you?"

He shrugs. "Do you want me to?"

" You know I'll always want you, Colin." He looks into my eyes. It is like for the first time he is seeing me. They are truthful, needy.

I look at his hand which is still gently holding me in place. "I'm not made of glass, you know. I won't break. Do just like how you did last night."

Touch me, feel me. Want me, eat me like your life depends on it.

" I still can't believe I did that to you." I can't either.

"Did you like having me in your arms, Colin?" I whisper. Trailing my lips over his gently. Kissing his cheek and eyes. His forehead, his hair.

"You have no idea." He says softly. Leaning into my kisses.

"Do you think of me, Colin?" Do you think of me the same way I think of you? Do you stay up at night imaging all the ways you could fuck me?  Have your way with me? Do you imagine me screaming your name? I do.

"What do you mean?" You've got to be kidding me. I laugh a little. Resting my head on his shoulder.

"Atti.."

I kiss his ear.

"Colin. When you're alone do you ever think of all the ways you could be with a woman? Touch one. Take control of one?" He whimpers.

'Whimpers.'

I kiss the area just below his ear before pulling away to look at his face. He looks in a daze.

"Tell me, Colin." I run my nails gently over his scalp.

"I do." He looks at me. "I do." He begs.

"Treat me like it's like that. Just like you imagine it. Like none of it is real." Because it's not. Come tomorrow you'll hate me all over again. None of it's real.

I give him a soft kiss. He follows my lips as I pull away.

"Atti-"

"Show me how shameless you can be Colin. Show me you're worth it." Worth all the shit you put me through. All the crying and lying. All the mental breakdowns and craziness. Show me you were worth every second of it.

Colin gives me a look before he pulls me down and kisses me. Slow and savering.

'Colin.'

His tongue gently opens my mouth and I let him in. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

'Colin.'

I shake. He's calculating. Figuring me out. He's everywhere. His tongue is warm and exploring. I moan at the feeling.

'Fuck'

I feel the warmth of his hands as he places them both on my bare back. Dragging me to him.

Yes. Please touch me. He pushed his tongue harder. Going down my throat, but his hands. Fuck his hands feel so good. Rubbing me up and down. Flat against me. He drags his nails along my spine.

"Colin," I whisper. I think. He doesn't give me a moment to speak. Swallowing my words like they are his. His lips are fast now. Moving and holding mine. They suck mine like air.

My legs shake.  

'How can a kiss feel this good?’

My eyes roll back as I feel his right hand drag down to my thigh. Grabbing me and forcing me to fall on him.

I break away.

"Colin-?"

"Shut up." He lifts my other leg and lifts me on his lap. Straddling him. His hand roughly grabs the back of my neck as he smashes his lips against mine again. This kiss is nothing like the one before. He's messy again, and fast. Eating me alive. His hands go to my hips, sitting me perfectly on him. Fuck. Sitting me perfectly on his hard dick.

I did this to him.

'Me…'

His hands move me back and forth, as they did the night before. But this. This is different. Better. He slides perfectly between me. His pants hide nothing as I feel him against me.

"Aaa."  I moan as he moves his hips up. Putting pressure against me. He swallows the moan. His tongue moving faster.

"Colin." But I can barely speak. All I can feel is him. He holds me down harder and fuck. When did he get so strong? He moves faster and I feel his dick jump.

I can't do this.

"A-mm!" His dick glides faster, easier between my lips as I feel myself get wetter. I can't think. I can't move. Because fuck he's rubbing me right on. I try to move away but his hand forces my head back towards his.

I can't breathe.

His hand on the back of my neck makes my eyes roll back. I feel amazing. I want to cum. Now. But it's not enough. He finally pulles away. A trail of saliva connecting us. He stops moving and stares at me Breathing heavily.

This can not be the same boy from nights ago. That same boy who didn't even have the confidence to look me in the eyes. I know I asked for this but damn.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Didn't you want me to?"

I shake my head. For the first time forever with this man I feel not in control. I feel defenseless. I love it. Being able to let my guard down and just live in the moment. Knowing he'll take care of me. I feel safe in his arms and like home. I belong here, with him.

"Oh.. sorry. I felt like I was doing too much." He blushes looking down, but his hands doesn’t leave my hips.

"No, you were fine, I was just surprised. You like being in control?"  

He nods. Blushing more. Sometimes I forget that even if he is younger than me he's still a boy, still a man. He could easily have his way with me if he wanted. This proves that. He could do anything to me and I would be totally defenseless. I might control the relationship but physically he will always win.

"Do you like it?"

"Mm?"

"You know… when I take control?"

"Yeah, it's nice. Were you close?" I ring one of his red curls around my finger.

He shyly nods.

"Why'd you stop then?"

He gives me a look. Opening his mouth then closing it. Just to open it again and close it. "I didn't want to cum in my pants…" He gives me a hard stare before looking away.

" So what? You wanna cum in my mouth instead?" I laugh.

He makes that weird sound in his throat before leaning his head on my shoulder.

"You said it, not me." There is silence.

"Please?" He begs.

I bring my hand fully on his head. His hair is starting to dry.

"I'll think about it."

He breathes in heavily, moving his face closer to where my neck meets my shoulder.

"You smell so good. And you're just so soft." His hands goes back up my back, rubbing slowly as he starts rubbing his nose along me. I tilt my head, giving him more room to explore.

I hum. "That's because unlike you I put lotion on."

"You put it on your neck?"

"Everywhere I need it."

His hands leave my back to rub my thighs. He brings his head from my neck to look at me. Confusion.

"But your legs feel more oily than soft."

I huff. Leaning behind him to grab the forgotten baby oil and shove it in his face.

"Why are you acting stupid?"

He laughs. "I'm not. I'm really curious ."

"Whatever. I use oil too. Before you came I was just about to apply it."

"What does it help with?"

"The same as lotion but it also makes you shiny."

"Can I see?"

I roll my eyes. "You've never seen baby oil before?"

He shrugs. "Not on you."

I watch him as he watches me. Daring him to look away. He doesn't.

Ok.

Sometimes I feel, know, that some of the problems we face are my fault as well. He's acting differently now… I like it but I want to break him. How daring do I have to be for you to shy away from me again? To take away what little control you think you have?

I sit the bottle between our bodies. Slowly bring my hands up to unbutton my shirt. His eyes widen but he doesn't look away. I let the shirt drop to the floor, grabbing the bottle and slowly pouring the oil onto my chest.

He watches every move as if it were a porno. His eyes follow the oil that is dripping from my nipples and to the top of my green shorts.

"Well? Are you just going to stare or rub it in?" I tease watching his reaction. He swallows. His eyes glancing up at my face before looking back down at my chest.

"Atti..." He trails off.

"Yeah yeah, I know. They're a little small-"

I once had a boy tell me he didn't like me because my boobs were too small. Asshole.

"What no. They're perfect."

I lean back on his legs. Resting my hands on his knees as I puff out my chest more.

"You really think so?" I know I'm playing dirty but if only you could see your face.

He nods his head. He looks at me. "I really can?" His eyes hold pure happiness. I swear I've never seen this white boy so happy in my life.

His hands hesitate before gently rubbing the oil on my upper chest. Purposely avoiding my boobs. He rubs up my neck and my shoulder. His hands are smooth and inviting. Not too hard but not too light either. His thumbs hold pressure on my shoulders massaging them. The cold air keeps me alert as he slowly and carefully brings his hands down my side to rub the oil on my stomach. His eyes not leaving my torso.  

He really needs to hurry this up.

"Colin."

"Uhm?" His eyes stay watching his hands touch me. His face is a bright red and his eyes wide.

"I think you're missing the main event here," I say sarcastically.

He pauses as if he'd been caught and slowly brings his eyes up to my face. I tilt my head as I look at him. 

‘Have I gone too far? Does he not want this? I’m I not pretty enough? I slowly feel dread consume me.’

"Sorry.." Right. You're always sorry. I want to speak but I fear if I do I'll scare you away. What do I have to say to get you to stay? It seems whatever I say is never good enough for you.

So I wait.

But I hate waiting. I lean my forehead against his like before, looking into his eyes. Like hot chocolate. My beautiful brown-eyed boy. If only you could see yourself from my point of view.

But then again maybe not because then you might think you're too good  for me.

He looks at me before leaning in to kiss me. He pulls away, asking permission. I give a small smile. He leans in again and softly glides his tongue in my mouth. I sigh at the feeling. This kiss is slow and savering. I feel him take deep breaths and move his lips exploring new ways to move them, new ways to feel mine. He moves them slowly. Slowly upward, taking my lip and biting.

"Mmm." I like that one.

Then he moves down, giving him control to shove his tongue deeper and he twists and turns. I follow his moves. A slow game of follow the leader. His left hand, which was left vacantly oiled on my side, slowly moves up to touch me and I break away. Staring at him as he gently squeezes and massages.

"I felt awkward just jumping into it." He whispers as his other hand soon follows. He quickly looks down.

"Are…, are they different sizes?" I laugh at his conflicted face.

"Yes, most girls are"

He makes a surprised look as he watches himself jiggle them.

"They're like stress balls." He says matter- a- fact-ly.

"I know right, I play with them all the time."

"Really? Can I do that too?"

I laugh. "What?"

He blushes. "I just… I mean-. Like whenever I want to…" he makes an awkward look.

I laugh harder.

"Sure. In the middle of class, you can touch them whenever you like. We can make it a game. See how long it takes till someone notices your hand is up my shirt."

He sighs. "You know what I meant." Still laughing I grab his cheeks, pinching them.

"I know but you're so cute when you're embarrassed."

"You think I'm cute?" I lean into him.

"I know you're cute." He looks down.

His hands are still squeezing me. Due to the oil, they kept slipping from his hands causing him to grab them again. They fall perfectly in his hands. A little smile on his face. He's having way too much fun with this.

"Enjoying yourself?" I tease.

"You have no idea." He starts flopping them around. Laughing.

"Really?" I sigh. But make no room to stop him. He contains his laugh as he holds them normally again looking up at me.

"They're just so soft. Like soft water balloons"

"Right."

"Don't be mad at me. You're letting me do this."

"I'm not mad. I'm just surprised you're having so much fun with this."

"Oh, I am. Best birthday present ever." He jokes. I shake my head.

"I'm sorry about them, I have no idea what they were on about."

"It's fine. It was funny. You haven't told them what we did." He doesn’t say it like a question. Because it wasn't a question. But I don't know how he expects me to respond.

So I don't.

"They all think you're over me." He says bittersweet.

"Well, you clearly know that's not true. They all think I'm chasing a boy I can't have."

He looks me in the eye. "And clearly we know that's not true." He whispers. I breathe in deep. Looking away from him. Damn.