"Yeah"

He leans his head on my shoulder breathing me in. I glance at him. His eyes are glued to the screen. As if he's not groping me under the covers.

He starts playfully slapping them making them rub against each other.

"You really like this," I state. Playing his game and staring at the TV.

"They're just so perfect. And warm." His voice cracks. I lean on his shoulder. Staring at the ceiling and sinking into the sensation of his hands on me. This is nice. I've never really had someone touch me before. I was scared this new sexual relationship of ours would be one-sided. But I can get used to this.

His hands go away for a while.

"Colin-. Oh.."

Both his hands start playing with my nipples.

"Again?" I say breathlessly, bringing my hands to his arms.

"I like hearing you moan for me." His breath tingles my ear and I turn to find him staring at me.

"Say my name?" He pulls hard.

"Colin." I softly moan. He smiles before leaning in and giving me a light kiss.

His constant pinch causes me to flinch forward, breaking the kiss, but he roughly pulls me back. Pulling harder.

"Colin?" I moan. Turning my head away from him, I feel my legs reflexively close. Rubbing together.

"Can't get away from me now." He laughs. Kissing my ear as he pinches becomes painfully good.

"Aaa!" They become extra hard and sensitive causing the feeling to grow. I squeeze my legs tighter, twisting them and moaning as I rub myself. Moving my hips against the bed for anything.

Colin catches on and moves his legs between mine and forces mine apart. Forcing the air to hit against me. His fingers pull harder.

"No!" I moan still trying to move away, but he has me locked in. Tears began to fill my eyes as I feel myself twitching.

"Be honest with me." He whispers. "Do you really want me to stop?" He keeps his mouth by my ear. His lips slide over my lobe and over the edge of my scarf.

No. I don't want him to stop. It feels so good. My mind feels mushy and frail.  I Can feel the heat of an orgasm but I know I can't cum from just this. But god do I want to.

"Atticus?" He pinches the pulls. It snaps from his hold but he quickly comes back not giving me a moment of rest.

I shake my head. Not trusting myself to speak.

He doesn't respond but buries his head in my neck, continuing his attack on me.

I lean my head fully on him. Going limp as I let him use me. Well as limp as I can. My muscles clam up, stopping me from fully being still.

I moan as he gives an extra hard pull before pulling away. It takes a long while for me to catch my breath. The covers have fallen and the cold air is hitting me again. But my chest is overly warm and is starting to turn red. The cold air makes me hiss as my nipples feel it. I like how it burns. I take a few beep dreary breaths before I turn to look at him. His eyes are on me, looking at me in triumph.

"I want to try something." Has his voice always been this deep?

"What?" I breathe.

He sinks low, making me almost sit on his lap in an awkward way. I let him move me around. Not having the mind strength or any strength for that matter. He takes my shirt fully off, throwing my right arm over his shoulder as he moves his head closer to my…

Oh…

"Colin…?"

"Can I?" His eyes hold so much hope I can't say no.

'As if I would anyways.'

I rest my left hand on his head. Petting him as he stares up at me.

"Yes."

He doesn't hesitate to put his mouth on me. I jumped a little. The cold air make my nipples quickly freeze but the warmth of his month….

"Oh, Colin.." I sigh as I let my head fall back in pleasure. I grab his hair but make no any moves to move him.

I voluntarily let him move my legs further apart inviting the feeling of the cold air on my warm body.

His mouth is warm and wet. His tongue laps over my nipple before sucking. Hard.

"Ah-!" I choke on my breath as he gently bites down. He hums as I pull him closer. He brings his left hand to play with my other nipple much like before.

And that's when I start to cry.

I can't care to hold back because it feels so. Good. He pinches, he sucks, he pulls and bits. It's too much at once. My head moves in all directions as I scream and moan. I feel like I'm going crazy.

"Oh fuck!" My body is moving but I'm not going anywhere. I glance at him to find him staring at me with that new look. Controlling, hungry. Even with his mouth occupied, I can tell he's smiling. He makes a scene for me. Opening his mouth for me to see. I watch as his tongue flick, teeth lightly glaze. I can only imagine how I look right now. He closes his mouth around me, sucking. It sounds disgusting, naughty. It's wet and dirty but all I can hear, besides myself.

Why is his mouth so wet?

I look away. My head bangs on the headboard as I close my eyes. Lost in the sensation. My mouth open in silent pleas. I grab his hair tighter. Pulling him as close as he can get.

His left hand pulls extra hard before letting go and his cold hand makes its way down my chest. His fingers glaze the hem of my shorts. As he dips the pads in his fingers underneath he bits down harder than before and sucks.

"No!" I scream. But it's almost cut off by a moan. I open my eyes wide and jerk away from him. He moves away quickly. Taking his mouth off me and putting his hands close to himself. Staring at me wide-eyed. I feel his saliva drip from my nipple as he watches me cry.

"Shit Atticus, what's wrong? What did I do?" His eyes hold fear as he breathes heavily.

"Did I go too far? I'm sorry." He looks like he's about to cry.

"No." I try to laugh over my tears. I grab his hand bringing it up to give a little kiss.

"No. Colin, you didn't do anything." But I can't stop crying. Even with the reassurance the fear doesn't leave his face.

"Are you sure? Ati.."

"Yeah, I'm sure." I wipe my tears away. Getting my emotions under control. "I'm just.. woo." I laugh as I try to find the words.

'I'm not ready for you to touch me like that.'

"I just don't think you're ready to do that type of stuff yet." Sure that's a good lie.

His fear is replaced by confusion. He leans back, his arms wrapping around me as he pulls me to his chest.

'Lots of touching I see.'

I'm not complaining.

"What?" He low-key sounds pissed. I turn to face him. Placing my hands on his shoulders.

"You've never done something like that before. I don't want to push you too fast. This is all new to you." His face is emotionless as he watches me. There's a pause.

"Ok.."

I lean up to give him a light kiss on the cheek, laying my head on his shoulder.

"We'll get there. But not right now." No, we won't. We won't ever get there.

"When do you think I'll be ready?"

I don't know man, I'm not you.

"Maybe in a few months. I mean we're not even together.." I fake laugh. He didn't find it funny.

That was his queue. To ask me out and we can finally live happily ever after. But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything. This. This is why we have so many problems. Why won't he say anything? Didn't he just say he wanted me? What's the switch up?

"You know my parents…" He trails off.

"So your parents don't want you to date but they want you to fuck me then leave?"

"What?" His face turns red at my words.

"No, I didn't plan to… do all that. I just feel guilty."

"Guilty?"

He looks down. His fingers fiddling with my shorts. "You always leave me satisfied. But I never return the favor." He looks up at me.

‘Did this asshole just admit he only touched me back because he felt like he had to?’

 "I like it when you make those sounds and stuff." He puts his head in my chest. Aw, my baby. How can I be mad at such a cute answer?

"Colin, I can take care of myself."

"I know.  But what good am I to you?" The silence returns.

Insecurity. Even though Colin hasn't outright told me, from his actions I feel as if he sees himself as less. I would understand. We all have our problems. Colin's are just more noticeable. People our age don't like him much. When we were younger he was what one can call annoying. He was short and loud. Made stupid inappropriate jokes and thought he was cool. He talked too much to those around him. Liked stereotypical nerdy things. Had low self-esteem and would often let people walk over him. Even though he's good at hiding it, I know it gets to him. Especially now. It can be hard to reinvent yourself. Everyone is so stuck on who you used to be. But I wouldn't say Colin pretends to be someone else. He just... I don't know.

When we were younger I liked his nerdy self. I saw him as someone I could protect, being older and on a higher social level. But I haven't protected him. If anything I exposed him more. I failed him. I don't blame Colin for what he does because in truth it's all my fault.

"Don't think like that," I whisper.

"Why do you like me?" He's not looking at me. His eyes are on my shorts. But I'm not mad.

"Because you're you. My sweet caring boy." I rub his hair. He seems to like that.

"I'm not doing this because of what you can give me. I don't need you to give me anything." The only thing you've given me so far is pain.

He sighs. "I just don't understand you".

I laugh. I move from his lap. Putting my shirt back on, Turning to turn off the TV. Leaving us in darkness. I give him a light kiss.

"I don't understand myself either." I move to get under the covers. Pulling them over my head.

"Atti?" Colin joins me. Wrapping himself around me.

"I'm tired."

"Ok, night." He Buries his head in my head wrap. Breathing in before I feel him relax.