"You have some explaing to do."

I roll my eyes. Making my way to my bed and flopping down.

‘It smells like him’ 

I feel a huge slap on my ass. 

“Ow!” I turn to find Lillbeth standing over me.

“Well?” 

I shrug, not knowing what to say. “It just happened.” 

“Happened? I thought when you and Colin finally got together you would scream it to the world.” Her face holds so much happiness. Lillibeth is the best friend every girl can only dream of.

I don’t want to disappoint her. 

‘Like how you disappointed yourself?’ 

“Like I said it just happened. We’re figuring it out.”

“Eeee!” She squeals, jumping on me.

“Lilli!” I try pushing her off me. 

“I’m just so happy for you. All those years and you finally have him. I guess we can’t make out in secret anymore.” She fake pouts. 

“Girl shut up.” I’m finally able to push her off.

“If you’re not going to shower I am.”

“You better. You smell of sex.” She laughs. 

For the first time on this trip me and Lillibeth make it down with everyone else. Bre is standing next to Mathew. It looks like she is venting about something. She should be over what happened yesterday right? 

Lillibeth grabs my arm.

“Don’t. Let’s give her time to breathe.” I nod as I look at her face. She looks almost sad. Maybe guilty. 

“Ok yeah.” I have a feeling this trip to the aquarium won’t be that fun either. 

“I just realized I’m going to have to sit next to Jayden on the bus.” She whines. 

“You can sit with me.”

“What no! Go sit with your boo thang.” She bumps her hip with mine.

I smile. “Lilli..”

“He's been eyeing you since we got down.” She nods her head in his direction. 

We both openly stare at him. He’s standing off in the corner playing some game on his phone. 

“What is he playing?” 

“I don’t know. It’s probably that one fighter game. That’s what he usually does.” 

“Let’s go see.” She grabs my arm.

“What no!” What if he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public?

“Why not? He’s lonely.” She fake pouts.

“He’s always lonely.” 

“And now he doesn’t have to be.” 

As if he could hear us he looks at us. Lilli winks at him and gives him an air kiss. He blushes and looks back down.

“He is just the cutest thing.” Lillibeth giggles.

“Thanks?” 

She turns to look at me. Grabbing my arm and pulling. 

“Lillibeth-.” 

“You have to tell me how it was.” 

“What, no.”

“Oh come on, look at him. He’s so shy and cute I can’t imagine him doing anything other than playing with his LEGO set.”

I don’t blame you. 

“How big is he?”

“What! I’m not telling you that.”

“Why not!? I'll tell you.”

“I don’t ask for it.” Yes I do. 

“Not to hurt your feelings but I think he’s..” She mouths. “Small.”

“Ok.” I drag out as I walk away. 

“Where are you going?!” She chases after me.

“It’s time to get on the buses.” I continue walking, not bothering to let her catch up to me.  

“Whatever, you’re bad at keeping things to yourself.” She sits in the seats beside mine. Us both in the aisle seat.

She is right about that. I do have a big month. 

Jayden gets on and takes his window seat beside Lillibeth, he turns to us. Flipping his blonde hair.

“Dude what the fuck is wrong with Bre? Why does she have a stick up her ass?” 

“What did you do this time?” Lillibeth asks.

“Nothing. I said ‘hey Bre’ this morning. She completely ignores me and goes to Mat.” 

“Maybe if you didn’t call her a slut she wouldn’t be mad at you.”

“First off, she started it. She’s been acting weird around you Atticus, second I was joking, third Lilli you were supposed to fix her.” 

“Fix her!? Jayden there is nothing wrong with her. Her feelings are valid no matter if we understand or not.” 

“Lilli what did she say to you?” I ask. 

She sighs. “She’s just mad about you and Colin.”

What?

“What? She had a whole outburst over Colin, what is she on his dick too?” 

“Jayden!” I scream at him.

“She’s mad about him miss treating her.” Lillibeth tries to clarify. But nothing clears up. 

“So what, what Atticus and Colin do? It’s not like he’s abusing her. Who gives a fuck?” He snaps back. 

Lillibeth rolls her eyes. “Jayden you wouldn’t understand.”

“Then help me understand Lillibeth.” 

Just as she is about to answer, Colin gets on the bus making his way to us.

“Well?” Jayden asks, getting impatient. 

Lillibeth motions her head to Colin as he finally makes his way to me.

I get up to let him in. 

“No.” Jayden says. Colin turns to look at him. 

“What?”

“Sorry Colin But you can't sit next to her today.”

“What?! No Jayden shut up. Colin sit down.” Colin goes to sit down.

“No.” He stops. 

I glare at Jayden. He motions with his hands that he wants him to go.

“Lillibeth just say it in front of him.” I whisper.

She shakes her head. I shrug at Jayden. I turn back to Colin.

“Sit down.” I demand. He sits. 

“Oh my fuck.” Jayden throws himself against the seat.

“Jayden you’re being over dramatic.” I hear Lillibeth whisper as I finally sit down and sigh. Colin’s my problem and my problem only. Bre has no business how I handle him. 

‘Handle him? What is he? An animal?’

“What are they talking about?” Colin askes as the bus starts moving.

“Just Bre.” 

“Why can’t you guys talk about Bre in front of me?” I turn to look at him. His eyes are dead as they look at me. I grab his hand. 

“It’s just… private.” He’s cold. 

“You guys were talking about me.” Damn it Colin, what do you want from me? 

“Did you tell them?” 

“Why does it matter? Does it bother you that much that we…” I don’t even have a world for it.

“No.., I just want to understand what others know.” 

“It’s mostly about Bre.” I sigh. 

“But what does Bre have to do with me?” We stare at each other. His brown eyes glowing in the stolen sunlight of the trees. Like melted chocolate. He’s looking at me but I wish he wasn’t.

‘Why are you nagging me? Just trust me.’

But he doesn’t. We don’t trust each other. A relationship built off lies. I don’t know how to respond to him. So I don’t. 

I look away. 

Why? Why can’t we pretend for a while longer that we’re ok? That we’re perfect. Why do we have to look at what’s underneath?

I don’t stop holding his hand. 

“Atticus?” His voice creaks. But he’s not embarrassed about it like usual. He’s too focused on me to worry about himself.

What the hell am I supposed to tell him? The truth? That Bre is onto us? I’m sure he already knows. Colin may be a lot of things but he’s not stupid. I learned that the hard way.

“Atticus-?” 

“It’s not important, ok? We just want to keep her life private.” He drops it. Turning his head to the window.

His hand is still cold. 

I watch myself play with his fingers. They’re long. Longer than mine. I run my hands over his veins and over his knuckles. The smooth beds of his nails. His nails are clean and even.

‘I wonder if he does his nails…’

And he’s so pale. The contrast of his skin to mine. I wonder if he thinks about it the way I do. To be honest when I first met Colin the idea of race was far away. Not a forgotten topic, no, never a forgotten topic for a dark skin girl. But I never saw it as a problem till now. I fear it is a problem. I fear that’s how he sees me. But I also fear he doesn’t see it at all.

I grab his hand. Interlinking them with mine. 

I wonder… what his parents think. Or don’t think. Maybe that’s why he won’t… can’t tell them. 

‘He lied to you..” 

And for what? I just don’t understand. But maybe I’m just ignoring it. The problem is as dark as night. No matter how pretty I am, I’ll always be just some black girl. I bet he calls me that behind my back.

‘You bet he calls you that? Yet you’re still holding his hand?’

You’re right. 

I let go of him. Wiping my hand on my dress as if it were dirty.

Colin turns to look at me. Confused.

‘White people are the devil.’ 

My grandma would always say. Oh what she would think of me if she knew… the devil was touching me last night. 

“My hands got sweaty.” I whisper. I look at his lips. I want to kiss him. Maybe then this feeling will go away. Maybe once I feel him I’ll forget. Forget what it’s like to be unwanted by a world you don’t even know.

He nodds. Going back to his original spot, but he doesn’t move his hand from my lap.

I wonder what your sister thinks of me. I know my hatred for her is only self reflecting. I wonder if she was shocked, disappointed. “This black girl is trying to steal my baby brother.” But then again maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe the problem is just me being me. But I won’t play the fool again.

I wonder how Colin sees me. To be able to see myself from his point of view. But I know if I were able to I’d be disappointed.

‘Why do I always have to put myself in a bad mood?’

Because I’m my biggest enemy.

The bus comes to a stop.

I haven’t been to an aquarium since I was a kid. If I wasn’t in the mind set I’m in now I would be excited. I get up and as I walk down the aisle of the bus I trip.

“Woah girl. Don’t hurt yourself.” Lillibeth catches me. She smiles.

“I can’t wait to see the jellyfish. I took a test on buzzfeed that said the jellyfish is my spirit animal. What’s yours?”

I look behind her to find Jayden on his phone. Colin is towering behind him. Glaring at him. He looks pissed. He notices me looking at him and frowns before looking away. 

I look back at Lillibeth. 

“A dragonfly.”

“Really? I see you more as a butterfly.”

“Thank you?”

“You’re welcome.” She gives me a kiss on my nose before nodding her head, signaling me to walk.

We have more freedom here. Our only rules being to not leave and to be at the gift shop at leaving time. We lost Colin and Jayden. Walking in silence. I like the aquarium. Dark and quiet. The reflection of the blue gives an airy feel. Like life isn’t real. I feel calm. We finally find the jellyfish. They’re beautiful. Their tank has led lights at the bottom making them appear to be changing color. I sit on the cube like seat and watch. I bet it’ll be nice to be a jellyfish. Born already knowing your purpose in life. Lillibeth is right to the tank. Her face almost touching it. She’s mimicking them. Flapping her arms as she watches them.

“They’re so pretty.” She giggles as one comes right in front of her.

“Not as pretty as you.”

She turns to smile at me. But her smile softly falls as she turns back to the tank.

“Bre is jealous… well worried.” Her voice is no longer playful.

“Jealous?”

“Of you.” I don’t know how to respond.

“Well? What is she worried about?” Let’s start there.

She sighs. 

“She just doesn’t understand. But I do understand her. You’re so pretty Atticus..”

“Lillibeth-“

“There is no hope for us. If a pretty girl like you can’t keep someone as… weird as Colin… Where is the hope for us? He treats you so wrong, and you let him. If guys are willing to hurt you then they won’t hesitate to hurt us you know?” She fakes a laugh to brighten the mood. It doesn’t work. 

What she says reminds me of my favorite book. In this book a Cuban woman moves to Hollywood in hopes of having everything. Coming from nothing and seeing movie stars on her tv screen she wanted what they had. She gave up herself, her culter to blend in as a white person in hopes of finally being happy. Wanted. She gets married and lives in a big house. Becomes America’s sweetheart. But even with her looks, money, and reputation, she was still abused by her husband and cheated on. She had the same realization Lillibeth is having now.

“If I, the most beautiful woman, can’t keep a man, what about other women? Women hate me for my beauty thinking I have everything but even so… no one wants me.” 

That book made me realize that if I don’t hold value to  I. Myself. No one will. She gave up everything to be “happy”. When in truth she just had to find happiness in herself. 

So I can understand where Bre is coming from but I don’t understand why she would be so angry.

Lillibeth understands my confused silence.

“James cheated on her. Before we left she went through his phone. She confronted him. He screamed your name. Claiming that if she was as put together as you then maybe he’ll be satisfied.”

Shit. Fuck you James.

I don't say anything.

“Yet here you are letting some white boy belittle you. Well I guess it doesn’t matter now.” She turns to smile at me. “You guys are finally together.” I want to cry.

‘I’m so sorry Bre…’

“Don’t worry. She knows it’s not your fault. James is a piece of shit.” She fake laughs again.

“Is she going to break up with him?” She better.

Lillibeth shakes her head, “no..” she whispers. Her body is stiff. Her eyes glued to the tank. Her fingers are gently glazing the glass.

“Why?”

Her fingers drop by her side and she turns to me again.

“The same reason why you’re with Colin.” She says coldly

‘Because I love him.’

Fuck.

Lillibeth walks away. Leaving me there.

I want to scream. To go find Bre and tell her to leave, that she deserves better. But I'm being a hypocrite.