Taking the Time to Understand 

The seahorse swims away. It’s tail hitting the glass before gliding away. Colin watches them. He has for a while. His shoulder still hurts from when Jayden pushed him out the way this morning.

‘How can such a small man be so strong?’ He thinks to himself. But he doesn’t feel too bad about it. Atticus didn’t see, that’s all that matters. He watches the seahorses some more, eyes following their bright colors. He thinks about their lives, if they have thoughts and feelings the same way he does. 

If there’s one thing Colin does know it’s that seahorses have a different dynamic. Males are the more submissive ones, they even carry the babies. 

‘That’s so weird. I couldn’t imagine…’

He still tries though. 

‘I would be a red one.’ 

Colin thinks about it more, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Technically if males give birth to the babies then that would make the females the protector.

‘Would that make Atti my protector? But I wouldn’t be pregnant she would...’ He blushes at the thought.

‘Not like I would get her pregnant… I mean maybe in the future..’ his blush worsens as he feels himself harden.

‘She does look pretty in her blue dress. Atti looks good in anything’

‘She looked extra good last night.’

Colin’s month goes dry, his eyes widen as the memory goes over it in his head. His hands inches to touch her. 

Colin shakes his head.

‘No. I shouldn’t think of her like that…. Well not here at least.’ Colin’s blush doesn’t leave his face as he walks away. He finds himself alone. He is used to it.  Even though he doesn't like it he would rather be by himself than be around where was unwanted. Unfortunately for Colin he is unwanted in a lot of spaces.

He finds himself walking through a tube. Sharks swimming over his head. He feels sad.

‘Oh how trapped they must be in there…’ He sits on the long bench that is lying in the middle of the walkway, and throws his head back looking up at them.

“Colin.” He glances to his right. Bre. Colin doesn’t know much about her. She’s first chair and rude. Colin knows none of Atticus' friends particularly like him. But Bre is a whole new story.

“I’ll leave-“ Colin quickly sits up. 

“Sit your ass down.” He sits.

‘Atticus please come save me.’ Colin isn’t scared of Bre... How could he be? She is barely 4’11. But her eyes. Icy like her heart. Plus everyone knows short girls have the worst temper. 

Bre walks over to him. Her long black and blonde hair swaying as she stands by where he sits. Bre isn’t in the mood to play nice today. To be honest, Bre’s never in the mood to be nice. She sees it as a chore. 

“I don’t like you.” She says. Not looking at him.

“What?” He blushes from embarrassment as his voice cracks. He clears his throat. Hoping it won’t crack again. Bre’s always giving him shit. 

‘Don't need to give her another goddamn reason.’

“But for some reason Atticus does, so let me give you a reality check.” She turns to him. Her blue eyes glaring.

Colin holds his breath as he stares back at her.

“You’re not cute.” She says as if giving a lecture. “You’re not athletic, you might be book smart but you’re really fucking stupid.” 

Colin doesn’t speak. His face goes blank to hide his emotions.  

‘But if I hit her, I'm the problem. Having the nerve to call me ugly. Like I don't already fucking know that. I see myself everyday.’

‘The nerve? She can say whatever she wants. You’re too pathetic to do anything about it.’

“But for some reason she likes you. For some reason you think it’s ok to fuck her over. So let me enlighten you since those glasses clearly aren’t working. You’re a nobody Carter. You have no talents and you’re weird. I don’t know how you got it in your fucked up mind you have to right to treat Atticus they way you do but I’m telling you no other girl will put up with your shit the way she does. Like what the fuck were you thinking?”

“I didn’t mean to.” Colin whispers. ‘I mean I did. But I didn't think I'd get caught. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand. I thought I had it under control.’

Bre tilts her head. As if he were a child. Her long straight hair framing her face. She looks like a siren. If Colin didn’t know who she was, he would’ve fallen for it.

“You didn’t mean to? Colin grow the fuck up. You have no idea how privileged you are. Atticus does everything for you. Because of you. And this is how you repay her?”

Colin doesn’t know what she is talking about.

Bre laughs in his face.

“You really have no idea… Remember in middle school when those girls kept asking you out as a joke? And then they suddenly stopped? Remember at the beginning of your freshman year when those boys kept bullying you? And pushing you against the lockers? Or all those fake friends of yours? Second part of freshman year was a breeze for you wasn’t it?”

She’s right. Entering high school was hard for Colin. Even with his sister, she couldn’t be there all the time to protect him. He had a bad bullying problem that he was too scared to talk about but before it got as bad as he thought the boys suddenly left him alone.

‘Was that all her?’

“What do you think will happen to you once she realizes what a piece of shit you are? When you are no longer under her protection? Please help me understand why you continue to treat her like you do? You don’t deserve her. We both know that. So please tell me.”

‘I wanted to be liked.’

Is what he thinks of saying. But he knows he sounds pathetic. But it is true. He told himself he’d only do it once. It was in middle school when Atticus first approached him. He had been over the moon. No one, especially a girl approached Colin. He bragged to all his friends how an upperclassmen liked him. How one of the prettiest girls talked to him. They ate it up. For that one week Colin had friends. Till they got bored of his same story. So he ghosted her. Then proceeded to tell them how he left Atticus Otha wanting more. He knows he messed up. But for that short moment he liked having the attention. Liked being popular. Atticus' attention brought more. But he didn’t think Atticus truly liked him. How could she? She’s perfect. And Colin’s just… Colin. He didn't let himself fall for her. Sure he thought she was hot, everyone does. But he thought she only talked to him on dare or something… “Let’s talk to the quiet boy” but it wasn’t till he got to high school he realized Atticus meant so much more. But the damage had already been done. The lies told. 

“I don’t know.” Is his answer. 

“Pathetic. I love Atticus. I want what’s best for her. She’s my best friend. So I’ll pretend. I’ll hold her the next time you make her cry. But I’m working against you. And ever time you fuck up and she runs to me crying I’ll tell her the truth. And soon she’ll leave you for good. You know she will. You’ll be all alone. You’re already alone now. No one likes you but her. So I suggest you get your act together.” Bre walks away. Leaving Colin with his thoughts. He knows Bre is right. Atticus won’t deal with him forever. But they’re is always something, they can never be in the clear. But it’s not all Colin’s fault. Atticus really did piss him off this school year, she went too far. He was trying to figure everything out. Wanting to explore his options. It wasn’t like he could date her anyways. His parents would’ve grounded him for life. Hell, they took his phone for a week just because he was texting her. Atticus is just so needy. Colin knows everything. All the following and the drama with his sister. It’s really her fault. Atticus is the one who talked to Haddem in the first place. Atticus is the one who refused to listen. She pushed his buttons the way no one has. No one in his life has ever made him feel that way. But Atticus always gets under his skin.  He probably did things that weren’t fair but it was cause and effect. He just needed her to let him breathe.

‘Atticus.’ The name has haunted Colin since the day he first heard it. Atticus is everything Colin isn’t. She’s loud and outgoing. Pretty and Popular. Just like his sister. Maybe that’s why they didn’t get along. Because they’re the same person. Colin did in fact reject Atticus on multiple occasions. Because he just couldn’t. Couldn’t live his life in someone’s shadow. But Atticus was different from Haddam in that way. Atticus saw Colin. Not Haddam’s little brother, not Carter's youngest, not Colin Carter. Just Colin. And that is enough for her.