8

 Say it Wrong 

Lillibeth and I make haste to get ready. Planning to meet Bre in the lobby. If there is one thing I’m looking forward to it's how this cake is going to come out.

Lillibeth looks cute in her little white dress. I let her borrow a white bow to go with it. She looks so cute and innocent. She’s going to ruin some boy tonight. So sad. 

I on the other hand look the complete opposite of her. A long black skirt with two slits to show off my thighs and a black spaghetti crop top that have weird yarn thingings on them. 

I planned this outfits out in my head with the black platform heels I wore yesterday but wearing heels to a beach is very unnecessary. I’ll just settle for flip flops.

We meet Bre in the hall, who is waiting for the elevator.

“I don’t want to leave. I hate being at home!” Lillibeth whines.

Her home life is weird. She has 5 adopted siblings and they kind of run the school at the moment. 

“It’s ok Lilli. Just stay out of trouble.” Bre tries to comfort her as we walk into the elevator.

“But I’m always in trouble. I don’t even have to do anything. I can breathe and they’ll ground me.” Her parents are really weird. When I first met them they asked why a girl as pretty as me was their daughter's friend.

She complains the whole way down. But if I were her I would complain too.

When the doors open the boys are waiting for us.

“Uhh. Bad news, the cake melted.” Mathew says awkwardly. 

No shit.

He’s standing in the middle holding the lid with only half the cake. The ice cream is all over the place and it’s… bubbling?

“We had to throw the other half away, because well you know… It didn’t have a lid and got everywhere…” He looks so sad as he speaks. I kinda feel bad but then again this wasn’t my idea. 

Colin is standing a little behind them looking as cute as ever. He’s wearing slightly ripped jeans that are cuffed at the bottom with his white boy shoes on. (Hey dudes) with a Ralph Lauren navy blue cardigan. 

I forget he’s rich sometimes.

He’s holding my cardigan in one hand, watching me.

I walk over to him with a smile, looking up at him.

“You look so handsome Colin.” I gush.

He blushes. Looking ahead of me.

“Really? Thank you.” He says softly. 

I laugh at his shyness. 

He finally looks down at me and gives me a small smile. He holds up his arm that’s holding my cardigan.

“You left your cardigan with me.”

“Thanks.” I go to grab it. But he stops me. Looking confused.

“Are you going to put it on?” 

“No.”

He shrugs. “I’ll hold it.” I'm not going to argue with that.

We walk down to the beach in a group. The sun is still up and high. The sun over the ocean is truly beautiful. To think these people wake up everyday and go to sleep to such a view. They have no idea how good they have it. But I'm sure they could say the same about something in my life. 

Me and Colin fall behind. Our arms swaying next to one another.

I wonder what he would say if I were to grab his hand. 

Once we get to the actual beach we pause and take off our shoes. I try to lightly walk on the sand. 

This stuff gets everywhere.

For the first time during this trip we are early. There are pre laid blankets, chairs, and umbrellas. My friends make their way to the chairs but I head towards the blankets. Colin follows behind me. They’re a little father from everything else but have the perfect view of the ocean. 

As me and Colin walk in silence I feel romantic. The heat on my shoulders and the sand in my toes. I want to hold his hand and whisper little nothings in his ear but I fear he won't hold it back. Or worse, he’ll pull away. I want to ask him what he’s thinking. If this was all for fun. I hope not. I hope we don't go back to how we were. 

Once we make it the blanket I lay down. The sounds of the waves are nice. The waves crashing along the shores.

Colin sits down on the edge of the blanket opposite from me. I watch as he sits his shoes and my cardigan down. He buries his feet in the sand and begins to build a dome around it. Packing sand on top of sand to cover his toes.

I roll my eyes at his childish behavior. 

As I lay back down I drown myself in the warmth. I love this feeling. The only thing I can hear is Colin's breathing and the ocean and I can't help but think about him. Us. I wonder what it would be like to have sex on a beach. If we were alone. Touching his smooth skin with the waves in the background. That seems so comforting. 

‘You and Colin won't ever be able to have sex with how insecure you are.’

I hear a groan beside me.

I open my eyes and watch as Mathew makes his way to us. His brown skin is slightly darker due to being in the sun for so long. He sits beside me and Colin stops his attempts at burying his feet.

“Whats-up.” I say. Covering my face with my hand to stop the sun from getting in my eyes.

“Nothing much.” He says softly, pulling his knees to his chest. 

“So you told everyone but me?” He looks at me. Squinting his eyes. 

I shrug. Knowing he’s talking about Colin.

“I didn't necessarily tell them… They found out by themselves.” I say softly. 

“So what? You guys are like a thing now?” His face looks sour, and now I feel bad. Mathew was last to join our friend group but he’s a good guy. In the beginning we all thought he had a crush on me. He would talk bad about Colin and say things like, ‘You can do so much better.’. But he never came out and said anything. To be honest I think he’s gay.

Colin’s breathing stops. I turn to look at him. He’s gone completely frozen. Looking away from us and off into the distance. I don't know how to respond to him. I can’t say yes because me and Colin aren't together. But our bodies are.

“We’re figuring it out.” Good answer. 

He gives me a look. The same look Jayden gave to me last year when he broke the news to me that Colin didn't like me back. The same look Bre gave to me at the dinner and in the forest, and the same look Lillibeth gave me at the aquarium. A look of disappointment. 

He sighs before getting up. Going back to the rest of the group who made themselves comfortable in their beach chairs. 

I get back to laying down but my once calm mood is gone. I feel unwanted and ugly. Which is funny considering my ‘title.’

‘Atticus is so pretty.’

‘Atticus is so lucky.’

Atticus wants to kill herself.

Maybe me and Colin shouldn't be together. He makes me so sad. He makes me feel worthless and stupid. It’s toxic. But then again this is all my fault. I can just cut him off and we’ll be done. He never reaches out to me. I always seek him out. But I want him so much. Maybe I don't deserve him. The women in his family are perfect. I'm nothing like them. Maybe he wants someone like them. White and Christian.

I'm wild and unpredictable. I wear mini skirts and heels like it’s a uniforme. I spend my weekends with boys who drink and go to parties. He deserves better. 

“So they know about us?” Colin says softly. I sit and look at his back.

‘I work my ass off for you.’ 

I'm tired of seeing myself as less because of him. I can't live my high school life like this. 

“Does that bother you?”

There isn't even as, ‘us’. After this trip you probably won't even talk to me again. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s time I try to move on with my life. If I can't get under you I might as well get under someone else. Right? 

He shrugs. Not saying anything.

‘What are you thinking?’ 

I crawl over to where he is. We’re too far away for people to see  us. They’ll have to really look at us to see. I sit myself behind him, trapping him with my legs and wrapping my arms around his waist. I rest my head on his back. I breathe in his scent.

‘Home.’

Once this trip is over you won't contact me and I won't contact you. No more games. No more us.