I hold him tighter.

“Atti?”

‘I'm going to miss that name.’

“Colin.” I love his name. I could say it everyday. 

“What are you doing?” His voice is so mature now. 

“Hugging you.” My voice is muffled by his fabric. I breathe in one last time before pulling my head back. I reposen myself. Sitting on my knees so I can look over his shoulder and at the little dome of sand he’s made. I remember the first day we went to the beach and he got some of the boys to bury him in sand. The only part of him visible being his head.  Someone threw a ball at him. 

It was me. 

He doesn't know that though. 

He turns his head to face me. His curls rubbing my nose, making it tingle. 

He gives me a small smile and I'm gone. 

All those negative thoughts are gone, because how can I hate someone so perfect? 

‘I hate you, I love you’. 

How can you hate those beautiful brown eyes? Or those cute brown freckles? That cute button nose and those lips… 

I smile back at him.

The suns going down now and he looks magical. 

If only he could see how perfect he is. 

We stare at each other for a while. The oranges and purples from the sky reflect off his black glasses. 

I bit my lip as I tilt my head a little.

Just a little taste.

I lean in and sigh as his lips touch mine.

He lets me lead, relaxing against me. My hands fist his cardigan as I lean up more to tower over him. 

I feel his arms move and I pull away.

“You better not put your sand covered hands on me.”

He pauses. Holding eye contact with me before shyly looking down. 

He was….

He was in motion of touching me. My all black outfit. I would’ve smacked him. 

He moves his palms up to where we can see them. 

Covered in sand.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine… Just. Don't touch me.” He pouts at me and I laugh. It’s probably best if he doesn't touch me anyways. 

He leans in again and this time he moans.

I don't want you to go.

The kiss is slow. Desperate.

It’s too hot for all these clothes..

He opens his mouth and I follow. His tongue is wet and warm. 

My breathing picks up.

My hands slide down, slipping under his cardigan to his bare chest. Despite the hot air his skin is cool. 

He jumps when he feels me. I lay my palms flat against him before dragging my nails down his chest.

I kiss him harder. Standing on my knees for better access.

“Yaaaay!” 

We pull away quickly. Looking as our class lights the bonfire. They're all screaming and jumping.

Colin laughs a little but turns his head back towards me. His face red and lips wet.

He leans in again and I smile. But as I look up I make eye contact with our teacher. She’s looking dead at us. Her face smirking.

Shit.

She bumps her nose with her finger a few times before turning away. I don't know what she's planning but I hope she forgets.

“What is it? What's wrong?” Colin askes. I train my eyes on him. His smile is gone as his eyes run over my face.

I can’t tell him. He’ll freak out.

I take my hands from under his cardigan and I instantly miss the feel of his skin under my tips.

“Nothing, you want some smores?”

“Atti..” He frowns.

I give him a smile of reassurance. Standing. 

“I’ll be back.”

I walk the short distance to the rest of our group, to the little trolly. There’s a bunch of stuff to cook and eat. Hot dogs and sausages on sticks. But most importantly marshmallows. 

I’ll make mine first.

I grab all my pieces and sit in a little chair by the fire. I remember my first time having a smore. It was my freshman year of highschool and I had braces. It was so good. I didn't understand why I hadn't had one before. I love these things. After that I now love everything smores. 

I watch as my marshmallow slowly starts to darken. This fire is not a good combination with this heat. But it's pretty as the flames lift up into the sky.

I can't believe I'm turning 17 in a few months. It seems just yesterday I was in elementary school playing around. I need to grow up. I feel like a child. Granted I still am one but not for long. I met Colin when I was 14. In 8th grade. That’s 3 almost 4 years ago. It’s crazy how much someone can change in such a short amount of time. I remember the day I met Colin Carter. It was picture day. I was always a dressy kid, so I was in a nice red suit and had my hair done. But most kids didn't care about such things. Not unless their mother forced them. Most were in hoodies and sweats but not Colin. Not my Colin. He looked so cute. He was short and a bit chubby. His hair was shorter and a nice dark red, it went perfectly with his dark maroon shirt. It was a nice button up and ironed. His mom most likely picked out the outfit but he still looked the cutest. He had on khaki shorts to match and he looked nervous as he waited for his name to be called. We made eye contact a few times but nothing too serious. But after that day I just kept seeing him. I had to know who he was.

“Colin Carter?!”

Colin. The name suits him. The names cute. Never heard that name before.

“You can't like him… he’s weird.”

“He’s super immature. He was laughing at naked statues on our museum field trip.”

“He’s sooo unattractive.”

“I don't think we're talking about the same Colin..”

Yes, Colin. Colin Carter. That’s the boy I chose. That’s who I allowed to ruin my life. 

I turn to look towards the ocean as I hear Lillibeth Giggle. She’s still in her white dress and some black boy has her thrown over his shoulder as he runs towards the waves.

Who the hell is he? 

Knowing Lillibeth. No one important. 

I turn back to my marshmallow to find it on fire. I blow it and put it in my chocolate and cracker. Taking a big bite. I love smores. The marshmallows are all goopy and drips down. The chocolate following. Whoever came up with this is a genius. 

I quickly make Colins and head back to find he’s now working on a bigger goal. His legs are now stretched in front of him and he’s working on burying his feet and his legs with sand. His jeans rolled up as far as they could go.

Too cute. 

I go to sit next to him. He pauses as I do. Eyeing the sweet treat.

He goes to grab it but pauses as he looks at his sand covered hands. He gives me a look and I smile at him. Bringing the treat to his month so he can eat. He takes a bite, one much bigger than mine. I try my hardest to not spill the chocolate on his outfit.

I hope he lets me take pictures. 

He finishes quickly and I go back to my spot of laying down and listening to the ocean. I could live like this. Just Colin and I. On an island. No one to get in my head. No one to get in our way. The saddest part about this is that I can see a future with him. I could actually see myself marrying this boy. Giving myself to him completely. Having his kids. I know in a different world we’re happy. He can make me happy. I can satisfy him. I can imagine it like it’s a memory. Our family. The family we’ll never have. Despite all the boys I've talked to, no one makes me feel this comfortable. They had flaws that I just couldn't look past. They’d touch me and I'd feel uncomfortable. But things come so naturally with Colin. When we touch it feels right. Like I was made for him. Even though I'm scared to show Colin my body in such an important way. A little part of me trusts him enough to do so. It’s sad really. How much I trust him. How I feel I could talk to him for hours but on his end it’s the complete opposite. I bet he can't stand me. I know he can't. Once I open my month he wants me to shut up. But I can’t help but love him.

I’m in love with Colin Carter.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I fear I will always be like this. That my love for him will never leave. I keep telling myself it’ll work out but for many people around the world it doesn't. I'm not special. He won't ever love me back. I can suck his dick as much as I want, but it doesn't stop him from imagining a different girl.

I let my thoughts fade out to the ocean. Let them go like the waves. The ocean is so beautiful yet so ugly at the same time. 

I can hear our classmates in the background. Laughing and screaming. I sit up.

Colin's done playing with the sand. He’s laying down. Glasses out away to the side as he rests his eyes. His hands are slightly cleared of sand.

He wiped his hands on the blanket.

I want to tell him. Tell him how much I love him but no. Not now. 

‘You already did.’

The first night of the trip was rough…

I make my way over to him. Crawling over him. Placing my hands softly by his head as I lower myself on him. 

He lets in a breath as his hands come to my hips. Holding me in place as he opens his eyes. I smile at him and sway my hips, making him throw his head back and groan.

If this is going to be my last night with him I want it to be a night I'll remember. One he can remember. 

I make sure no one is watching us before I continue my movements. His hands grip me harder but don't stop me.

“Colin.” I taunt. “You have to get up.” I whisper. 

“I wasn't...” he breathes. “I wasn't sleeping… Atti…” He silently moans as I go harder. I love seeing him like this. A mess. The way his breath hitches, that way he bites his lip. The way he moans. I love it when he begs for me. Makes me feel wanted.

I stop moving. My hands go to his chest. I look down at him. My braids hiding us. He opens his eyes.

“Hi Colin.”

“Hi…” 

He reaches up for me but I quickly move away. Rolling off of him and to the opposite corner of the blanket.

He’s quick to follow. His sand project quickly forgotten as his lustful eyes land on me. He crawls over to me. Trapping me in the corner. He looks at me with that controlling look and it makes my legs shake. He tries to come closer but I push my foot to his chest. I turn behind me but it's all sand. I don't want sand on me.

‘Girl you’re at the beach…”

He grabs my foot. Looking at me like he couldn't believe I tried to kick him. I can though. The amount of times I’ve thought about killing this boy.

He throws my foot to the side. I admit defeat. Opening my legs for him as he makes his way to me. He sets himself between my legs, his hands willingly going into the sand as he holds himself above me.

He looks confident. Like he won something. Won me. Like he haunted me down. His eyes look darker and his breathing hard.

“We’re in public.” I remind him. I push his chest. He doesn't move.

He shrugs. His sand covered hand going to my thigh. Forcing them father apert as he rubs them. The rough feeling of  the sand on my soft skin makes my mouth dry as we hold eye contact.

“That didn't stop you.” His hand goes to the inside of my thigh riding farther up my skirt but I don't stop him.

A night to remember right?

I'm nervous. 

My breathing picks up as his hand moves up father.

I throw my head back as I feel myself twitch because fuck he’s so close to..

“Hey!”

Colin freezes. 

I whip my head up to look past his shoulder.

“Get the fuck off her.” Jayden says. Colin jumps away from me to look at him. Jayden’s eyes are dead as they stare at Colin with a hate I've never seen before.

Colin’s face is immediately sober. He’s back to that shy boy.

They stare at each other for a while.

“Well?” Jayden gives Colin a look and moves his body sideways. Telling Colin to leave. Colin hesitates for a little. But eventually he gets up, a sour look on his face as he walks off. 

What the fuck? 

I get up to follow him but Jayden stops me.

“Are you ok?” He’s serious. Jayden is never serious. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” I almost shout. 

“ Do I need to have a talk with him?” He glances at Colin. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Jayden looks at me like I'm stupid. 

“He was about to touch your vagina Atticus.” My eyes widen at his words.

“I know.”

He glares at me. “And you're just ok with that?” 

I hug myself feeling self conscious.

“.. Yes.”

Jayden makes a face. “What the fuck did he say to you?  Look. I understand you like this guy but you don't have to give yourself to him if you don't want to. Don't do anything you don't have to.”

What the hell is he on about-? Oh.

“Jayden, it's fine. I changed my mind.” 

He looks pissed. 

“Change your mind?! That damn fast? Just earlier today you told me you wouldn't be ready for sex a long time from now. You’re not one to change so fast, Atticus.”

This is so embarrassing.

“Jayden, I'm fine. Colin didn't do or say anything. This is all on me.”

He grabs my arm forcing me to look him in the eyes. His eyes search mine before he sighs.

“Ok. Good. Just be careful ok? You can't trust these assholes. But I do trust you to know what you want.”

“Thank you.” 

I give him a tight hug.

"Let's go."