I think about you every night, but never knew what to write
Therefore thinking about what I would say if I miraculously saw you any day has seen no rain, it has seen no sun
It is dry and colorless, quiet
All because nothing will change, nothing I say can make sense of any of it
How much I miss you is almost as ridiculous as to how I sometimes believe you might be better off that way, gone
Here we are all crawling,
so this might be the worse way to admit it, I love you and it could have hurt more if you stayed how you were,
here but partly gone
I couldn’t help you
In this place it seems quite sane to want to leave, so I can’t blame you
I still live through your memory
Waking up hurts, however, our pain shall be solely a testament to keep trying
You’ll never read blood dripped onto my paper, nevertheless, it is yours
Every time I lose someone else I think of you, I think about how their story is also now part for me to carry
I do it proudly, with deep sorrow but mostly empathy and forgiveness
I accept no careless remarks and gratitude is fruitful
Moreover, since we’ll never drip tears onto each other’s lap again, nor scream at each other, nor ever together dance
We’ll also never have to together carry the burden
Although because it isn’t actually gone,
it is just put down
Our buried burden
Then I decided,
instead of walking over it,
I’ll pick up a flower that grows from it every night, every time I think of you, every time I am about to lose someone else
I tell it I can see it, I hear it and I write:
you might be better off gone but we’ll never know if you don’t stay
What does it even mean to be better off?
I’m guessing it has to do with peace and learning
At least on Earth lessons are plenty
I’ll make a movie about it anyway, if you’d stayed you could have watched it by my side
I swear we’re trying to figure it out
But art and nature have their own time
Regardless,
I need you to share your pain with me
When you leave there will be much worse hurting, a lonesome scar
You can tell me you’re broken, please tell me, hurt me with the sharp edges but please, my love, stay
It is the only way to see through, together
Because disappointment only lives if you don’t.
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