GULF's POV
Are you sure?
You want to hear my story?
You can back out now. You're not in Disney, where they always live happily ever after.
Life is like a rollercoaster.
I was a normal boy, yes I am.
You can say that I'm a loner. An introvert. I'm not one to initiate a talk. Not until I met him 5 years ago. My bestfriend.
He was always rainbow and sunshine. I'm always smiling whenever we're together. Just like now.
Sun rays reflecting on his skin, adding light to the sunshine that he is. He's laughing, enjoying the moment, playing with his team. He's the captain. The star player. The ace. Everyone adores him. Even an angel to some.
I'm here at the highest part of the bleachers, watching him. There's a big match coming, but he always make time so we can bond from time to time. We promised to eat out after his practice.
Since I'm quite bored, do you want to hear my secret? But you probably know it. It's a cliche scene, falling in love with your bestfriend. Yes I love him. Exactly 3 years and counting, haha I don't know. Should I confess? Or not? You tell me.
Maybe I should tell him? But I'm afraid, who doesn't? I'm a man having feelings with another man. Everyone will judge. What if he hate people like me? What if he won't accept me? I'd rather hide it so I can love him secretly. That way he'll stay by my side. "Call me friend but keep me closer"
"Bro! Let's go!" He shouted while running to the bleachers where I'm sitting alone.
"I didn't even notice you." I'm so lost in my thought. I've been in a conflict with my mind recently. My heart tells me to confess but I can't I'm a coward.
He put his arm around me and we walked to my car. It's always like this. Me waiting after his practice match, I like it. It's like we're in some kind of a relationship.
We decided to eat Japanese cuisine. He loves sushi. I don't eat raw foods, but he doesn't know it. He doesn't notice. He never notice anything about me. Just like the other day, I asked him to give me his jersey so I can wear it. Instead, he gave me a new one. I was lowkey pissed that day. I just want to feel like his mine, even for a day. Haha I feel like a side chick, begging for something that isn't mine.
"Do you want to go elsewhere after? He asked. Interrupting my thoughts.
" No. You're tired bro. I'll give you a ride home. You should rest. You're training the whole day tommorow right?"
" Are you sure?" I want to have a walk in the park but he's really tired. I can see it in his eyes. Yes Im fuckingly whipped. I can see through him.
"Of course, lets go!"
I dropped him off, then I go straight to the playground near my house. Im feeling dejected this past few days, I want someone to talk to, so I dialled Saint's number.
"Hey uhm Saint I'm here at the park bro-"
" I'll go there, see you!" I didn't even finish my words. He's one of my friend. Not originally, because he's Mew's teammate. He and his boyfriend are the ones who listen to me. They know about my feelings. They're encouraging me to own up about my feelings, but I really can't.
"Hey bro what's up!" Tapping my shoulder.
" We eat on that Japanese resto again. Maybe he really thinks of me as a friend. I should give up bro. But don't worry. I'll move on. I just need some time.
"Imagine yourself being away from him even for a day, can you do it? I stop swinging and think about the consequences.
It's hard, we've been together for 5 years. He's always there for me. Because he says that I looked suicidal. He's afraid I'll just jump off a bridge or run on a highway. Yeah! He's dramatic.
"Yes, can you help me? Don't let him see me. Keep him away from me." He furrows his eyebrows.
" I can't promise you this bro, but I'll try. I will also ask Zee to help me. But the game is on Saturday, you're not coming?" Oh shoot. I totally forgot about it.
" I will don't worry. Thanks bro, you can go. Sorry for always venting my issues on you."
" Nevermind! Just call me. You're my friend now. Don't stay here for too long. You'll catch a cold."
" Take care bro"
I stay there for 20 more minutes, reminiscing about the days before I met him. I changed a lot. I can now talk to someone without being shy. I know a lot of people because of him, he introduced me to every person that he knows. He helped me step out of my comfort zone. That there's so much more I can do out there. I became a varsity player, with his help too. I owe him a lot, maybe just maybe, that's the reason I fall for him. I see him as someone I can depend on. I want to know myself, without his help. So I can prepare my heart if that time comes.
-
I woke up with my phone ringing nonstop. "Why?" I answered his call. "You'll come at the practice? We can go to the arcade, we have time off tommorow for the Saturday game." I badly want to say yes. "Sorry bro! I need to finish my project, and we also have practice." I hear silenced on the other side, he's thinking. "Okay I'll drop you off later, don't bring your car." I'm selfish, I know. "Okay, take care bro. Bye!" I ended the call. It's the first time I did that, he always the one doing it. Maybe he's wondering by now, but he doesn't care about small things.
My day goes by slowly. It's 55 minutes past 17, his practice is over and so is mine.
*beep*
Fr. Angel
Here @ the park bro. C u.
Funny ha, yes it's him. He insisted that I named him angel. He said he look like one, I agree! haha okay okay I love him, you know. I'll do everything to see those smile on his face.
I jog to where his car is parked. I just nod at him and go inside. He keeps on talking but I just sit there with my eyes closed. He even asked if I'm okay and if I want to go out tommorow since I don't have classes. I said no, that I want to rest and he should also for his game. I didn't even say goodbye properly I just get out of his car and wave.
I tried to sleep after taking a shower, too keep my thoughts from running. I'm tired of thinking about him.
The sun is shining brightly when I woke up. I look at the clock to see that it's already 1pm. I reached for my phone and see that he texted me. Asking if he did something and that I should wear the jersey that he gave. I replied, "Im fine, ok" and turned off my phone. It's better to lie than to be silent. I want to be alone. I want him to stay away from me, cause I'm afraid of wanting more. The truth is I'm a little tired of ignoring him. I can't eat, I just want to sleep. To forget for a little while, so I sleep all through out the day.
-
I woke up feeling energized, I'll confess today. Whatever the result is, I will have to accept it. I just hope that we still remain as friends.
I texted Saint that I'm on my way. I sat far away from the field but I can still see him stretching, his jersey changed. He's wearing a black number 1. He's looking around, maybe searching for me? I can assume a little, I'm the bestfriend.
They're game started, Mew's not on his usual self. He seems distracted. He keeps on missing points. Even his teammates notice that. The coach pull him out of the game.
I texted him if he's okay, he looked around. I stand up and wave at him so he can see me. He smile and wave back. "I thought you ditched my game. See you after, I'll give something to you. I'll win this." I probably looking like a clown smiling at my phone after reading his text.
And true to his words they won the game by 2-1 marked. I waited for the people to decrease. A lot of them congratulating him. He's the captain after all. He looks so happy. I want to see him like that, if forever really exist, I'll use that word.
I walked down the bleachers. "Congrats bro!" I tap Zee. High five Saint. I was shocked when Mew hugged me. "You stink bro, I'll wait at your car. Go!" He laughed and throw me his keys. I just shaked my head. This is it, I'll gather my courage and tell him about my feelings after we eat later.
"Let's go?" I never seen him this happy. His eyes sparkling. "Let's go." I smiled back. We laughed and jammed to the music like we always do. We were halfway through our destination when I asked about the thing that he will give to me.
"You'll give me what again?" I asked
"Later, I'll give it to you later. " I can't wait, what if I confess and he got mad? I will never have a chance to keep it. At least I'll have one last memory of him.
"Okay I'll get it" I watched him as he extend his other arm at the backseat, rummaging through his bag. I looked at the road when I see this truck in front of us.
"Meeeewww!" I shouted at him. He turned the steering wheel to his side avoiding the the crash. I can only hear this ringing to my ears as the car turned upside down before smashing to the nearest tree. I looked at him.
"Keep me awake, I'm falling asleep". He said. He look worst I can see the blood all over his body. Im in pain. But seeing him like that is more painful to watch.
"It seems like we're going to eat at the hospital. I'm sorry." I joked but I can't take it any longer, Im sleepy.
"Don't fall asleep love." Those are the last words I hear. I smiled and looked at him. He look peaceful smiling back at me as I close my eyes.
-
I woke up, kinda confused where I am. Then I saw my mom calling the doctors telling them Im awake. I also see Saint and Zee. They get up and help me sit properly. Saint handed me a glass of water.
"Where is Mew?" They avoided my eyes, but they told that he's okay.
"You should recover first so you can see him" I nod and asked them how many hours since the accident.
"It's 3 days now." That long? And Mew is still not here?
The doctor examine me and did some test. It's been 5 days since I woke up but Mew is not visiting me. They say that he's okay but where is he? Whenever I asked him, they will change the topic or asked if I'm okay, that I should rest more. I want to text his mom but I don't have my phone with me.
"Zee can I borrow your phone for a while? I'll text mom to get me clothes for my release." He handed me his phone. I checked Mew's insta. I dropped his phone in shock. They look at me and he pick up his phone checking what I saw.
Tears streaming down my face. Like a falls. Not stopping. I saw them crying too. Zee hugging Saint. Im lost. I can't see them anymore. I want to punch someone. Release all this anger building up inside of me. They didn't tell me. I saw his coffin in pictures. I can't even say goodbye. I didn't tell him yet that I love him. Why? They should've told me the truth. I want to see his face one last time. Why? Is that too much to ask? This is my fault. If I didn't insist to get that thing he should be here. Smiling at me. Helping me.
Saint then handed me an envelope. "His mother gave this to me, he told me to give it to you and you can come see Mew when you recover. Sorry that we lied, we only want you to get better first before telling you. I know you. You'll insist to go there. We're sorry. Call us if you need anything." They left me there. I cried more. Is this the thing that he wants to give me? The reason that we got into an accident? The reason that he's gone?
I slowly opened the letter.
Gulf my Love : D
I'm a coward. I can't tell you this in person. I love you. Eversince that day, my first win as a captain. Remember that time, when you hugged me? I don't know but I feel like, I like you more than a bestfriend should. You gave me peace.
And also I'm sorry for going to that Japanese resto everytime, I know you dont like the food there. I knew it because you didnt even taste the sushi. Remember I only ordered the set for me and give you the tonkatsu? I like seeing you annoyed that's why I love to tease you. Your forehead creases, and that eyebrows of yours will go up judging my taste in life.
About the jersey, I made it a matching one, I have the number 1 yours is 2. My original is 21 right? I split it in half, because your my other half. Haha : D
I hate to admit it but your my medicine. I also hate it when you didn't say goodbye to me the other night
I didn't sleep, I kept on thinking what I did wrong. I'm sorry for the ways that I made you feel sad. I'm hear to admit the your special to me. Thank you for the happiest year of my life.
I will ask you to be my boyfriend. Be ready to say yes. I won't take no for an answer. I love you.
Your Angel, Mew.
I started crying. I'm not imagining things, he called me love that day. I don't want to live. I want to stay beside him. I love him so much. If I only said all the things that I want to say. I don't think I can forgive myself. I cried myself to sleep.
--
Years passed, it's his first anniversary. I look at his grave. It's my second time coming here. Are you happy? Maybe not, because Im not there right? I want to be beside you, is that okay? I feel the breeze touching my hair, like the way he used too.
"See you soon My angel."
I go straight to my house asked mom to not bother me, she didn't asked. She knows what I'm feeling. I kissed her cheek and smiled. "Love you mom."
I closed the door and locked myself.
Gulf's Mom POV
I knocked on my son's door, it's already noon but he's not up yet. I get the keys and open his door. And there I saw him lying, smiling with medicine all around him. A letter resting on his chest.
Mom
I'm probably sleeping if you're holding it now, don't be sad okay?
My Angel, they keep on saying sorry to me. That I should move on. I'm sinking, I'm trying. Ive been fighting for my life since the day you died. I'm holding to your last words, "don't fall asleep" but you did. You gave up firsdt. I should've told you that too. Too not close your eyes. Maybe your with me right now.
I want to quit. I'm so lost, always away from reality.
All of these what ifs keeps on playing in my mind. What should I do? I didnt even say goodbye, maybe that's what stupid people do?
But I have a chance, they didn't let me. They send you away without me knowing.
They say angels fly, but to fly angel dies. Can I fly too? Beside you? I cant take it anymore. Thank you for keeping me alive for one year but I cant anymore. I will come to you love.
Mom, I love you. Tell Saint and Zee they don't have to worry about me anymore.
Wake me up when there is time machine.
Wake me up when he's beside me.
I'm sorry I cant stay awake.
I'm falling asleep.
I love you so much.
END
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