For as long as I could remember, I was nothing. I was no one. Nobody could ever love someone like me. It didn’t matter that I was born to a noble judge in the country of Asumakala. Or that we lived in one of the largest houses outside the capital of Yula. I am just some stupid bitch who can’t even read.
The weather was warm this time of year. Spring was in full bloom. However, plant life was limited in the desert. But towards the southern half of the country, where my family lived, there were many oak trees, flowers, and grass. It wasn’t as hot and dry as the western side of the country was.
I walked outside, through the backdoor of our large house on the outskirts of the city. It was two stories, made from sandstone and brick to keep the hot air out in the day, and the cold air out at night. There were many blue stained glass windows on the house. All of them opened to let the chill air inside during the evening hours. Of course, though, they would be closed soon after, to keep the cold air, scorpions, and snakes out. The animals in the desert were unforgiving.
The ground was hot, I could feel it through my bare feet. I looked down at my feet and saw how dry and blistered they were. My shoes had broken finally. It took a long time for them to.
My mother walked outside. She looked around before smiling at me. I did so back. She is a beautiful woman. I wish I looked more like her. I am a speck of dirt to her Himawari - a flower in full bloom.
Her hair was long and curly. She wore white pants that went to her knees, with golden outlines. Her shirt was green with yellow stripes. She wore her hair in a low ponytail as it stretched across her back. Her face was so pretty. I felt ugly standing next to her.
“Good morning, Fadia,” she said to me, sitting down on the wooden bench near the back door.
I smiled. “Good morning, mom.”
She yawned as I spoke. The sun had come up behind the horizon. I admired how pretty she was in the sun’s glow. Her beauty was a force to be reckoned with. Her long black hair hung at the back, curtaining her face. It shined in the sunlight. Her dark eyes looked as though they looked directly into your soul. I saw my father poke his head out from the backdoor. “I’m off, my darling,” he said to my mother, kissing her cheek. He paid no mind to me.
My mother smiled at me as she stood up to follow him. I wish he would love me, but I am not even a human. I am unloveable.
Later on, I cleaned the dishes from the breakfast feast. My stomach growled as I stood over the large kitchen basin. We were lucky enough to have running water. I knew of some families who had none. Instead, they had to get water from a well nearby. We even had electricity. A new invention from ten or so years ago. Or so my brother told me. I miss him so much. I remember the day he left for university. I won’t see him again for a long time.
The kitchen floor was cold. I heard my mom upstairs cursing about something, and then I heard a clash. I quickly stopped what I was doing and ran down the kitchen hall and up the stairs. Most of the interior of the house was made out of polished wood. We were wealthy enough to afford something that many would never feel.
At the top of the stairs, I stopped as I saw my mother angrily standing near the sitting room. “You can never clean anything!” She shouted, her fists balled up. “You’re just like your lazy father!” She yelled, storming off. I looked around as I heard her footsteps leave the house, slamming the backdoor.
The sitting room was large, with two-floor sofas along both walls. In the middle, a small golden carpet. I noticed what she was referring to. I panicked as I realized I left the dust gatherer sitting on one of the sofas. I quickly picked it up and started to fidget with my fingers. I hoped she wasn’t terribly angry with me. Hopefully, she will be happy again in a bit. I want her to be happy.
Often, I forget how long the day passes until the sun has begun to set again. Other times, time seems to go even more slowly. The universe daunting my pain and death in front of me. I want to die. I want to hang from a tree badly. But my mother would never let my soul rest. And I am too cowardly to do that. Instead, one day I will go to die in the wilderness when things get too rough.
I sat in my tiny room, changing my day clothing into my sleepwear. Just a simple light blue shirt and pants. Both are very thin. The house had not gotten much cooler tonight. I could hear crickets outside. My room was simple and small. I slept on a low bed a foot off the ground. The floor was polished wood, though chipped a bit. I did not own mirrors. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to look at myself anymore. I had no need for it. My hair was long enough so I didn’t need to do anything with it. And my face was too ugly to be covered by makeup or skin products.
I looked down at my upper arms, covered by my own self-inflicted wounds. I hate myself. I lay down on my bed as I turned off my lamp. I hope I’ll die tonight in my sleep from natural causes. It would truly be the universe’s greatest gift to me. But I know that I will not be so lucky. I will live out my days in this house forever and die as a woman who is supposed to be away at university. But my father does not want to pay such a price for the horrible daughter that I am. Instead, I lay here until I’ll fall asleep, only to wake up in pain throughout the night.