It began with a question: Do you love your world?
Do I love my world? Do I love my homeland? Do I love… Egypt? Liquid sun tripped light through the vision. I had stopped in the shifting corridors, among the pillars shimmering with gold. Everything was aglow with airy murmurs. Dust and echoes filtered through my mind as I stood transparently before Him. Pure light swayed with stratospheric vibrance. The voice of a God.
It wasn’t that simple.
“Are you really Amun?” I asked.
It just wasn’t that simple.
Sometimes I wonder about the Amduat. I know it as the Realm of the Netjeru. Of our Lords and Mistresses. All Egyptians do. But what I really wonder is… Does it function as another world? Or is it directly tied to our world? Layered on top like…
“Meryamun! There you are. Hey… What are you doing, Mery? Thinking too much again?”
I look up, squinting through the brilliant haze of the midday sun. Re still has some way to go in His daily journey. Maia is looking down at me with hands on her knees and a silly grin. I love the warmth she gives off. The smile she can give with her eyes without saying anything. Maia has been there for me since we were both little. She’s my best friend. I appreciate her staying with me because as we’ve aged, she has blossomed, and I have developed some… setbacks. It can be hard to keep up with cultural expectations when your mind threatens to tear itself apart when you dream.
Through the journey of the night and silkspun sky above, I just can’t seem to sleep without screaming in terror. It’s not that I can’t help my mother and sisters around the house. Or that I don’t know how to travel around Thebes for errands. And it’s certainly not that I don’t know how to respect the Ones who gave our world life. But my nightly misadventures leave me disoriented during the daytime. I question everything.
To cope with my internal crisis, I deflect it back into reality. I have no time for addressing the molten pit of doubt in my stomach when I have a family to help take care of. So, I am able to masquerade as a proper Egyptian woman when all is bright. I live brilliantly for them. Yet to my family’s dismay, I do not hold romantic affection or desires for anyone.
That is where the problem truly lies for me in this world. If I could step through that threshold, maybe I could banish the darkness that creeps through my brain like liquid fire.
But what if I seek something else?