On the earth we know, the primary earth, Henry Hansen has eyes for a girl named Summer, but on this earth, things are somewhat different. It all started one day at everybody's favorite diner,Benjie's,when Rob and his twin sister, Aubrey, were eating with all their friends after school. Rob and Nick (yes, Nick) were debating Coca Cola against Pepsi, with Henry was acting as the referee, counting the pros and cons of each side. He waited for a while, and when their debate had subsided, it was time for him to spring into action his "ULTIMATE-GET-THE-GIRL-YOU-LIKE-WITH-BIBLE-VERSES-GIGA-CHAD-PLAN!"
This probably won't end well.
He strutted over to the girls' table, passing Summer's chair, and headed straight for... Aubrey Steven's chair?! Henry proceeded to bend down onto one knee and, to her surprise, recited some very romantic (but totally inappropriate for their age) scriptures from the Songs of Solomon.
Summer overheard this and eagerly said, "Oh, hey, you sound very well versed in the Bible! Would you be interested in maybe studying with the Jeh—" Henry's neck snapped toward Summer so hard, and I mean sovisciously,that it's a wonder his neck didn't accidentally break (which actually happens on a negative earth parallel to this one).
"SHUT IT, WOMAN! I NO LONGER LOVE YOU! WHAT WE HAD WAS TEMPORARY! AND YOU RUINED THAT LOVE WHEN YOU GRIEFED MY MINECRAFT SERVER! GET IT?!"
Summer scampered out of the diner, sobbing up a storm, and Henry, not a care in the world, whipped out a diamond encrusted, gold plated ring box that he stole from his great grandma. "Aubrey Stevens, the most beautiful girl I can see right now... will you be my husba—I mean mybride?"
At this, Aubrey's cheeks glowed red, and she teasingly said, "Well, uh, how about this? Maybe when you grow a few inches we'll talk," and then playfully booped his nose, which left him thunderstruck, as it always did when she teased him.
Aubrey then got up and sprinted to the bathroom with the thoughts "ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod"running rampant through her mind as she tried to process what had just happened.
Henry, now just left there kneeling, stood up, opened his big fat mouth, and said, "Gentlemen and guys... I think I got this one in the bag for sure this time!"
Everyone just slowly chewed their food, meanwhile Rob dropped his to the floor, shattering the plate. You could hear the angry cook, Earl, yelling at Rob from the kitchen (Rob was infamously known as the diner's clumsiest customer).
Henry began to strut after Aubrey in a schmook-ish fasion, but was soon jerked back by an understandably frustrated Rob. "DUDE! That's my sister! How could you just propose to her and embarrass her like that? You don't even know her middle name!"
Henry slickly took Rob's fingers off of his collar one by one. Sporting an overconfident grin, he said, "Puh-lease, Rob. I am a man, she is a woman... get the picture? And I do know her middle name. It's Stevens, just like how Obama's last name is Brock.Funny how this whole name business works, huh, Robert?"
Henry then thought to himself: "How does this simpleton not get how names work by now?" and continued on his merry way towards the girls' bathroom, just barely missing Aubrey who had already climbed out the window.
After spotting Aubrey outside through a nearby window, just sitting on the curb by herself all dejected-like, Rob walked outside to talk to her. As he approached her, he saw quite a bit of confliction in her eye.
"Hey, sis, how come you never told me about your ENGAGEMENT PLANS???"
Aubrey, who was already very embarrassed, said, "Shut up! You have a romance of your own, you know? But you don't hear me picking on you about it."
"I'm not trying to pick on you, Aubrey. And besides, Grace and I aren't getting married. Look, Henry is a... 'great' guy, but he can be a little much at times. And you just enable that by those flirty things you say to him."
"What do you mean?"
"'Maybe when you grow a few inches we'll talk,'" Rob quoted her. "Are you kidding me right now? I don't know if that's just, like, a defense mechanism because you're awkward or what, but it's gotta stop, dude. I'm telling you, there's only one way a simp like him is gonna interpret stuff like that."
Aubrey smirked and scoffed. "Okay, that's fair. You're right, he is a bit much—heck, not even just a bit much—yet I do kinda maybe sorta like him... maybe. I don't know,I'm still making up my mind, don't rush me. But I wanna tell him that I'm not ready for that kind of a serious commitment!"
They both sat in silent agreement, wondering what to do next. Rob decided that nothing fixes anything like eating ice cream does! So that's precisely what they did: They went home and ate ice cream, leaving behind Henry in the girls' bathroom, who was busy trying to figure out what species of toilet alien abducted his bride.
The very next day at school, Henry was searching the halls for the love of his... well, approximately three weeks now, looking through every crack and crevice for her. Aubrey on the other hand was hiding from Henry until she could find the right words to tell him how she really felt. To get closer to him, Aubrey needed Henry to change, to be less overpowering and less flat-out rude.
Rob slowly snuck up behind Aubrey, who was carefully checking around every corner for Henry, trying desperately to avoid him.
"Hey, SIS!" Rob's two simple words echoed throughout the halls, alerting Henry to their exact location.
Aubrey nearly fell over. "GYAH! NO, NO, NO!!! ROB, HOW COULD YOU?!?"
"You have to talk to him, Aubrey. You'll thank me later!" Rob smirked and sprinted away, leaving Aubrey with a blond haired Ferrari wannabe zooming towards her at lightning-fast speed.
"AUBREY!! AUBREY!!!" Henry's words echoed ever louder as he got closer and closer.
Trying to look casual and not as if she had just ripped her pants (Spongebob-style), Aubrey awkwardly leaned on a nearby locker and chewed the gum she didn't even have in her mouth.
After finally arriving, Henry was still under the impression that Aubrey had been probed by evil toilet aliens, so he pulled out his... "ANTI-ALIEN-PROBING-CHOCOLATE-BAR-THAT-HIS-MOM-PACKED-IN-HIS-HOT-WHEELS-LIMITED-EDITION-GOLD-PLATED-LUNCH-BOX-THAT-MORNING!"
He lunged at her and, with the might of a Greek god, forcefully shoved the chocolate bar down her throat, nearly choking her to death; but he cared not for he would do just about anything to save his bride-to-be from the aliens!
"Henr—! STO—! PLEA—!*cHoKiNg nOiSeS*"
"NO, WOMAN! SHUSH! SHUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS MOUTH! I MUST SAVE YOU FROM THE ALIENS!"
"THERE ARE NO ALIE—GACK!" Aubrey struggled to get any words out.
Desperate to not die at the hands of Henry, Aubrey decided to go ahead and swallow the warm pocket chocolate (that rhymed) whole since it was already mostly down her throat at that point. She shoved Henry off of her, got up, and wiped off her now chocolate stained clothes. She then glared at Henry who thought himself an accomplished alien plan-foiler.
Through gritted teeth, Aubrey said, "Henry... we need to talk... in private... NOW."
Henry instantly got excited, thinking that this was it, that it was time; she was gonna say yes!
The two then went into the abandoned bathroom on the school's third floor. Everybody thought it was haunted and avoided it like the plague, making it the perfect isolated spot for Aubrey to set Henry straight.
Once they arrived, Henry and Aubrey went and stood by the windowsill.
It was time. She was going to finally tell him how she felt about him.
"Henry, I need to tell something..."
Henry's excitement levels were off the charts. "YOU'RE ACCEPTING THE PROPOSAL, YES?!" But alas, he was instantly shut down when she gave him a resounding... n o .
"I don't want to marry you! I don't even really know you all that well—no, scratch that—at all!"
Henry's disappointment was immeasureable, and his day was ruined.
Aubrey continued. "...But I do want to change that. I wantto get to know you (even though I'll probably regret it). It's just that... sometimes you act completely arrogant, and honestly you can be just the rudest person... Look, if you really like me, please just try and understand my feelings; I'm politely asking you to stop being a major butthole, okay? That's as simple as I can put it."
Henry found himself genuinely deep in thought for once. He suddenly realized that maybe he had come off too strong, and rushed things way too fast with little to no regard for her feelings whatsoever. This was the epiphany Henry needed... to apologize.
But the second he began to open his mouth, Summer crept out of the shadows to ask Henry to reconsider having a Bible study with her. Henry, not amused, instantly drop-kicked her and threw her out the freaking window.
"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM JEHOVAH FOR LOOONNNGGGggg...!"It's probably worth noting that in this strange, backwards universe, after being rejected by Henry numerous times, Summer McCarthy became an absolute deranged lunaticpsychopath who continues to have an unhealthy, borderline obsessive crush on Henry Hansen—another fellow psychopath who just decided to change his ways... or so we thought.
"Aubrey, first off: Drop kicking Summer was the last mean thing I'll ever do, I promise," Henry explained as he held two fingers crossed behind his back. "And second: I promise to try to be more understanding. I am truly sorry for embarrassing you at Benjie's..."
Aubrey, although not totally getting the vibe that he was really gonna stay true to his promises for long, looked off to the side and began making the decision to give him another chance. Why not? After all, this was the most sincere he had ever been to her. "Okay, Henry... I forgive you. Just don't try anything potentially weird without consulting me fir—"
Aubrey's jaw dropped as she turned and found Henry with his shirt off and literally in the process of leaning in for a smooch.
Aubrey then drop-kicked Henry out the other freaking window.
On the way down, Henry hollered, "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOUR HEART IS MIIINNnn-!"
*T H U D !*
Poor Rob, who had just rushed out of the school to try and help an unconscious (and somehow alive) Summer, was instantly hit and knocked out cold by Henry's flying corpse.
And there you have it. A strange earth indeed, but hilarious all the same. Or maybe it isn't, I don't know. Comedy's subjective after all.
Which brings us to the end of this tale... for now...
People are defined by their choices. In life, we make them day-by-day, thus determining certain outcomes. One choice can lead to a very different situation, and one decision can alter the very fabric of what you know and love.
Come, and peer into alternate realities where various events of RDH play out... very differently, and fundamentally change the world and characters of RDH as you know them.
THIS IS AN OFFICIAL RDH SUBSERIES! HOWEVER, NONE OF THE STORIES HERE ARE CANON TO THE MAIN RDH STORYLINE, BUT MAY SOMETIMES OFFER MORE INSIGHT INTO IT!
Created by CheeseMemes (RDH creator) and ICEWIZARD999 (RDH co-producer).