Tastes Like Metal
Day 1
I looked out my the window while sitting on the sill. I was in my room, looking at the people walking about below. Most of the women were robots now, and I saw them as they went about their business. They had no emotions left.
They had taken the serum offered by the Goddess. I had that same serum in a syringe in my pocket. For a while, I held onto my humanity.
There were times when I put the syringe given to me by the Goddess right to my wrist--sobbing like crazy. But I never could do it.
I was currently living with my parents. I used to ironically treat clinically depressed individuals as a therapist; now, I joined them by sleeping in bed all day and not doing much of anything.
Disinterest seized my heart. Irrational fear weighed heavily on my head. Bad memories ran over and over again through my head.
My parents were still humans. They were part of the reason why I couldn't inject the serum into my wrist. I'd feel like I was letting them down.
One might wonder what had happened to me. I wondered that too. Five years ago, I never would have been so incapacitated. I loved my job and I was living alone in a little apartment. I had a simple but happy life. Work, and then home to relax, with the occasional night on the town with friends.
Where I used to live, if you weren't careful, you could get hurt immeasurably. That's what happened to me.
I sat in my bed with the syringe pressed on the top of my wrist. I took a deep breath and injected a tiny bit.
***
Day 2
I looked in the mirror. Half my face was metal. The rest of me was still human. My parents were angry. They were threatening to kick me out.
Threatening to kick me out at age thirty-five... I was pathetic. I knew the thoughts going through my head all too well. I had diagnosed them many times before. Those feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness mixed with feelings of apathy and disinterest. It was strange to think I couldn't save myself from them.
Today, my parents told me I was going shopping with them. They thought it would be good for me. I knew it would be good for me, but that didn't mean I wouldn't hate every second of it.
Driving was no longer an option for me. I had anxiety about it. My Dad drove. I looked out the window expressionlessly. It was night. We lived in a rather dirty, rundown side of town. Graffiti was everywhere; buildings were dilapidated, and criminals lurked about everywhere.
Robot women were walking about, and only a few human women. We arrived at our local supermarket and I climbed out of the car and smoothed my overalls down.
The automatic doors opened for us as we approached the store and I zoned out as my parents flung item after item into the cart. I was charged with pushing the cart around. I was leaning my arms on it and leaned my cheek on top of my arms silently as crowds yammered all about me.
Most women in here were robots too. I sighed. I wanted to be one. I didn't know what was stopping me at this point.
Once we were done shopping and heading out of the store after an hour; I saw a penny, just outside the automatic doors and bent down to pick it up. I was looking at a man's hand that nearly enclosed the penny over mine. I looked up and locked eyes with a man my age. He smiled at me.
I just stared at him expressionlessly for a moment, and then I replied with the first smile I had in months, "you can have it if you want. I don't mind..."
He shook his head. "How about I take your number instead?"
I stood up and smoothed my overalls down. I had nothing to lose. And he was pretty cute. It was incredibly reckless of me, and I didn't know what I was thinking, but I wanted company. "Sure. You got a pen?"
He handed me one and I found a piece of paper in my purse to scribble on. I handed it to him. He looked at it with a smile, and then back at me. "Cool... I'll call you later?"
I shrugged. "Go ahead."
My parents who had gone on ahead to the car with their shopping cart in tow, were calling my name. I said to my new friend, "what's your name?"
"Jo. Yours?" The man asked.
"Shawna." I replied. I waved goodbye to him and then dashed to catch up to my parents.
Back at home, I went straight back up to my room. My phone was turned off and I put it next to my bedside on my desk.
I crawled into bed and grabbed a book I had been reading that I left on my bed earlier. I forgot about the man and the incident very quickly.
***
Day 10
I forgot about him, that is, until I found the lucky penny in my overalls days later. I switched on my phone with trembling hands while sitting on my bed. I had great anxiety about calling people where I used to not have any at all. I had a message from an unknown phone number. I assumed it must be Jo's.
I played the message. "I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the guy who tried to pick up the penny from the supermarket. I think that penny blessed us both with luck."
I giggled a little. I was too nervous, I thought, to call him however. I put the phone down. I sat on my bed for a minute listlessly. And then, I realized how cowardly I was being. I grabbed my phone and called him. I panicked while I listened to it ring.
"Hello?" He said with surprise. He thought I wouldn't call him, it seemed.
I uncomfortably said, "hi."
"I didn't think you would call..." He continued. "Usually when someone doesn't call for nine days, they have no interest in you."
I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to go out with him, but I also wanted to hang up the phone. I wanted to tell him I had issues, and that's why I didn't call him, but all I could do was stay silent.
"Shawna? Are you okay?" He asked after seconds of silence.
I took a moment before I said, "I'm okay... Do you want to meet? Can you come pick me up?"
"Of course. Where do you want to eat?" He asked.
I was sweating at the thought of having to sit in a restaurant full of people. "Let's just take a drive."
"Okay, sure..." He sounded confused. I heard him chuckle a little. "Do you still have that lucky penny?"
I smiled a little. "It reminded me to call you..."
"Lucky you. Can you tell me your address?"
***
My parents didn't like or trust him. They thought he wanted to take advantage of me. They forgot he didn't know anything about any mental issues I happened to be having. They let him take me out anyway, however. They sensed he was harmless and knew getting out was good for me.
I tried to clean myself up for my date. I hadn't been showering lately. I had picked out a dress, but I changed my mind at the last second and put on overalls.
Jo was well dressed when I met up with him, and he looked at me with a raised eyebrow when he saw my sloppily combed hair and overalls. At this point he could tell at the very least that I was pretty eccentric.
He led me out to his car which was parked on the curb of my parent's property. We spent an awkward minute of silence driving along in his car through the ugly neighborhood.
Jo glanced at me. "Are you sure you're okay?"
I sat silently with my hands folded in my lap. I wanted to tell him how I actually was, but I couldn't. didn't know him well enough. "I'm okay."
I thought for a second...I had to remember what I was supposed to ask someone on a date. "That's an interesting accent. Are you from here originally?"
He shook his head as he came to the end of the neighborhood and stopped at a red light, intending to join traffic on the surface streets. "German. I lived there for the first ten years of my life--and then my parents moved here. You?"
I shrugged. "I was born and raised here. What..." I became self-conscious for a moment and stopped talking.
"Yeah?" He replied.
"What do you do?" I completed.
He drove out of the neighborhood and made a left as it started raining. I stared out the window at the buildings zooming past, rain flying at the window and tapping loudly.
"I'm a teacher." He replied. He laughed. "That sounds lame. I'm a university professor. I do physics."
"Cool. You sound smart..." I said, feeling like he was way out of my league at the moment.
"Not really. What about you?"
I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't want to tell him the truth. I didn't want him to know I was a loser. "I'm a therapist."
He looked excited. "I always wanted to study psychology. It must be a fascinating job. Can you tell anything about me?"
I giggled a little. He knew it was a clichéd question to ask a therapist. Normally, I would indulge him. Normally, I would have been paying close attention to his behavior. But I was no longer the same girl I used to be. I couldn't tell him anything about himself. "Come on... I'm not constantly paying attention to little details. But, there was this one lady I knew who couldn't make any decisions. She was racked with anxiety about them. I had to take some decisions out of her hands. Including choosing the dates and times of her appointments. We did great work with her, though... She left therapy as a different woman. She could make decisions; she went back to school and got a master's degree."
Jo looked impressed. "That's great--being able to have such a great influence on someone..."
I watched as the car's window-wipers wiped the raindrops away. I was freezing. My teeth chattered.
I saw Jo turn on the heat, which I was grateful for.
There was silence again as he drove straight for a bit and into a different neighborhood. This one was nice than mine; green front yards and bigger houses.
Eventually he asked, "can I ask you something inappropriate?"
"Like what?" I asked uncomfortably.
"Why did you inject yourself with the serum?" He wondered. He wasn't blind. Of course he noticed my face was half metal.
I didn't know what to tell him. Anything but the truth, I decided. "Everyone else is doing it. It seems like it's where mankind is going--by the grace of the goddess."
He laughed a little. "She only gives it to women though. She won't even let men in her temple. Are women going to leave us behind?"
I smiled a little, hugging my knees uncomfortably.
A little more silence with the pitter-patter of rain against his windshield, and then he said, "you know, I heard this crazy rumor that she wants to protect the virtue of women. Do you know if that's true from talking to her?"
I was silent, wondering whether to tell him. I knew it was true. The goddess told me it was her intention to keep women safe from men.
***
Her temple was floating on the sea. There was a long, ethereal rainbow road leading up to it. The building was very much Roman in style, it reminded me of the pantheon; but this building was a translucent blue and shining with otherworldly, yellow light.
I stepped inside; feeling broken and battered. Anything was better than the memories I was saddled with. There were scars permanently on my face and my body--constant reminders of memories I could never forget.
I wanted her magical robotic serum. I wanted it now.
Inside her building, I immediately felt a rush of security. There was nothing bad that could happen to me in her building. At first, I thought the building was empty. After a moment, a woman appeared, sitting on a brilliant golden throne.
She was immeasurably beautiful. She was made of light white light and formed in the shape of a human woman. She said to me, "what is your name, my daughter?"
I was holding my arm--memories of being pinned down so hard it left a green mark flashing into my head. "Shawna."
The goddess looked at me piteously. "You poor thing. Look at the scars on your face and body..."
She gently floated through the air to my side. She had become pure light, just for a second, and formed into a woman again to touch my shoulder.
She was warm, and I was in tears. I threw my arms around her and wept. "I-I don't know who to tell. I'm embarrassed. I feel dirty. It hurts."
She stroked my hair like a loving mother. "There, there... I have just the trick. Would you like it not to hurt?"
I nodded desperately. "Please... Help me."
She held out the syringe and I took it. I almost shot it into my veins immediately, but she warned me, "there's just one problem. Once you inject too much of it, you can never have children. It's up to you what you do with it. No sharing it with men, either. It's poisonous to them. If you inject all of it, you'll become too robotic to have children. Any less than that will keep dulling the pain. This will protect you from men. They won't hurt you ever again."
I never wanted children anyway. I held the syringe against my wrist, wanting to do it then and there.
But something happened. I thought to myself--it might be nice to hold a child in my arms. It might be nice to have something all to myself that loved me unconditionally.
I pocketed the syringe and went home instead.
***
"Yes. It's her intention to make women as strong as men." I finally replied vaguely.
"I see... That's interesting." He glanced at me and he clearly saw the scar on my face. "But you're not completely robotic... You only took a little?"
I shivered and sneezed. "Yeah. Just a little."
"Shall I take you home?" Jo asked out of concern for my sneeze.
I thought about it. I didn't want to go home. My parents, although understanding at first, had little patience left for me. I couldn't blame them...
"Let's go to your home." I suggested.
Jo was shocked and perturbed. "Really?"
I laughed a little awkwardly. "Not for that. I just want to sleep someplace else..."
"Just staying with your parents because you're out of town or something?" He asked curiously.
I wouldn't meet his gaze. "That's right."
He grinned a little. "I get that. Parents can drive you nuts... I am a stranger though. Are you sure you want to?"
I leaned my forehead against the window. I didn't care whether he was dangerous or not. I just wanted to be somewhere I felt like less of a burden. "I know you won't kill me."
***
He had a small, one storey house with one guest room. It was clean, but only because he clearly didn't spend much time in it. He was probably busy working all the time, and he didn't have a family to make a mess of his house.
We stood in his tile entryway for a moment. Things were really awkward between us. He knew something was wrong with me, but he didn't know how to ask a stranger about it. I had him caught in a weird situation. He cleared his throat. "So anyway, the bed's made up. I've got some movies if you want to watch one before bed."
"No thanks... I think I'll go right to bed." I said slowly and ineffectually.
He scratched his head, dumbfounded. "I'll give you a tour of the house before you go..."
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