TW // Suicide and suicide-related things
The prince sat weeping by the tree, clutching his knees to his chest. He hoped that nobody would dare enter the forest, for he was just barely concealed by a couple of rows of trees. Nevertheless, the world felt dark and closed off, just as he had grown used to. His surroundings always seemed to block out the light, no matter where he was. And this morning, he had finally realised why. He was the source of the darkness, bringing down the spirits of those he got close to until they finally left his side. He longed for someone that he could hold. No, he longed for someone to hold him and tell him everything would be okay. To encourage him to keep going. But as comforting as that thought felt, he knew his wish would never come true.
The prince finally stood from his resting place, drying his tears against his handkerchief. Although he usually did his best to hide his feelings, he knew his reddened eyes would give him away if he were to go home. So he decided to wander around the forest for a bit. His parents had always told him to never go in there, reasoning that some wolves and witches lived in the forest. His older brother had run away to that place and never come back. Or so the prince’s parents thought. His brother snuck through his window now and then, telling him stories of the forest. He didn’t think it was all that dangerous with the way his brother described it. But there was one thing that stuck out to him. Happiness. When his brother told him stories of the forest, one common theme he noticed was how happy his brother seemed, living alone in such a dark place. Then again, his brother always had been one for solitude. Maybe he was wrong to think that he, who hated the darkness and being alone, would be happier living in the forest than he was with his parents.
Shaking the thoughts from his head, he approached a crumbling tower. Carefully stepping over the worn-down rubble, he made his way to the top. Upon reaching his destination, he looked out over the forest. Up here, he felt clear from the darkness that had plagued his mind for years, but not because the light drowned it out. It was because all he could think about was jumping from the top and ending the darkness he brought with him. He knew that if he jumped, he would more than likely die, and on the slim chance he lived, nobody would find him in time to save him. He took a step towards the edge, then another. Another step and it seemed as though he was inches away from peace.
He stepped closer to the edge, prepared to step off when a hand grabbed his shoulder. “Whoa, careful there. I wouldn’t want you to fall!”
The prince turned around, inspecting the visitor. He was a knight. Or at least, he used to be. His armour was broken and dirty, unlike the patrol guards he had tried so hard to hide from on his way out. The man looked dishevelled and scrawny, quite the opposite of the muscular and well-nourished guards he liked to gaze at as they trained. Still, he was good-looking. His eyes betrayed no malicious intention that he may have. The prince squirmed slightly, stepping away from the edge of the tower. He couldn’t help but wonder why he had let such thoughts run rampant through his head just moments prior. How much would he have regretted it had the knight not shown? He pressed his lips together into a fine line. Very, very much.
The knight watched the prince with big eyes full of emotion. He wasn’t sure how to feel. The kingdom had sent him on a faux mission. He had returned to the gates only to find out that he was no longer allowed within and was forced to stay in the forest for the rest of his life. Now, standing before him, was a member of the royal family. He had been so close to death. It would have been nice to see the king’s face contort in pain after losing his second son, his only heir. But he couldn’t bring himself to let the prince walk off the edge. He wasn’t his father, and it would be wrong of the knight to let the prince die to soothe the ache in his heart that convulsed every time he thought of the kingdom.
The prince quietly made his way down the tower, the knight close behind. The knight’s thoughts betrayed his feelings, giving him oh-so-helpful suggestions on how he could murder the prince before him. Push him down the stairs and leave as he thrashes and cries for help. Offer him poisoned stew and wait for his face to freeze and his heart to stop beating. Or he could leave him near the wolf den and offer them a nice meal. As hard as the knight tried to shake these thoughts from his head, he couldn’t help but come up with more. He tried to focus on something else entirely, so much that he didn’t even notice when they had reached the bottom of the stairs and walked into the prince. The prince promptly toppled over, his head hitting the ground with a loud thud.
For a moment, the knight poked at the idea that his brain still subconsciously wanted to murder the prince. But his attention only faltered from the prince briefly before he attended to the prince, feeling around his wrist for that pulsing vein. Much to the knight’s relief, he found it quickly and confirmed that the prince was still alive. The knight decided that the least he could do for the prince was care for him until he awoke. So he brought the prince back to his cabin, deep in the heart of the woods. He treated a small cut on his head where it had hit a rock in the fall and prepared a batch of stew for the two to share once the prince woke. It was nearly four hours before the prince awoke, frantically scanning his surroundings as he tried to remember where he was. His eyes locked with the knight’s, and the knight could have sworn lighting had struck his heart. He had failed to realise how beautiful the prince was, and only now could he relish in the prince’s beauty.
To his surprise, the prince thanked him many times. Once for not letting him “fall”. Once for bringing him to his home and offering shelter. Once for treating his wounds. Once for the stew, and once more for purely existing. The knight found the prince’s habits funny and had a good laugh after the prince was done thanking him, particularly after he commented on the number of times he had said the word since he woke up.
The knight couldn’t help but wonder why the crown prince, with such a perfect and protected life within the castle walls, had run away from home. When he voiced his question, the prince responded that he was not allowed to feel at the castle. He was to be a heartless monster without a care in the world, yet he couldn’t help but care. He had left to squash the darkness, and he planned to do precisely that.
The prince opted to stay with the knight until he felt he could go home. Over the course of a few months, they got to know each other better. The prince felt as though they were inseparable. So, on the first day of the fourth month, the prince confessed his love to the knight. The knight had wanted to tell the prince the same thing. Yet the knight couldn’t find the courage to confess, fearful of offending a member of the royal family. So as the prince stood before him, hands behind his back and his face covered with a pink blush, the knight cried and hugged the prince. All he could say was “yes, yes,” as the embraced the prince.
After that, everything went smoothly. The prince and the knight spent their days together, hugging and kissing — sometimes going further. Yet they never overstepped one another’s boundaries. Simply being with each other was enough.
Unbeknownst to them, the king had spent the time searching for the prince. He had spent days and nights (and knights) scouring every tree in the forest, following leads to no avail. Until the night that his knights found them, the knight atop the prince, pinning him to the mattress. The knight had been arrested and thrown into the dungeon, while the prince was taken back to the castle. He tried to argue with his parents. He told them he loved the knight and that everything they did was consensual. They brushed him off, shooing him away and forbidding him from seeing the knight. That didn’t stop him, however. Every night, he snuck down to the dungeons and intertwined his and the knight’s fingers through the bars, often talking with him until morning.
But alas, he was bound to be caught one day. The king was furious with his son, locking him in his room and ordering the knight to be put to death in a week’s time. The prince wept for the first six days until he was finally allowed one visit with the knight, only hours before he was to be killed. They spoke in hushed tones, the knight telling the prince to forget about him and to live on. But the knight had crushed the darkness the prince brought with him. He had let light into his life and showed him love, and the prince wouldn’t have it any other way. Once he was forced back to his room, he composed a letter and requested that it be delivered to the knight unopened. The guard, feeling bad for the prince, obliged and delivered the letter quickly.
The knight opened the letter only moments later, only to find two words written on the paper.
Forgive me.
The knight cried out and banged his hands against the bars, begging for them to let him out. Begging for them to save the prince. But by the time anyone who cared was within earshot, the knight feared he was too late.
Guards rushed to the prince’s room, forcing open the door. There, they found him dead in his bed, a knife stabbed into his heart. Nothing but a note gave away what exactly had happened. It was a simple note, only reading:
You would not let me love the knight in life, so I shall love him in death instead.
The king was rushed to his son’s chambers, and upon seeing his lifeless body, fell to his knees and wept. But he did not feel guilty for his son’s death. No, he felt angry at the knight for causing him to kill himself. So he marched down to the dungeons as soon as he had calmed enough to stand, and took the spear of a guard, shoving it through the knight’s heart.
“You killed my son, and for that, I will never forgive you.”
The knight fell backwards and bled out, screaming in agony for the last seconds of his life. He thought of the prince, and his eyes welled with tears. He had failed to save him from death, even after loving him for so long.
Life moved on without the prince and the knight. The kingdom eventually fell due to the king’s leadership. The prince’s brother lived a happy life in the forest with an archer who saved his life. The prince and the knight were lost to time, having been forgotten by the people.
But the knight and the prince’s souls “lived” on. The knight’s soul entered the afterlife, his body materialising around him. And as he regained his vision and looked onwards, he saw the prince sitting in the grass, waiting for him. When the prince saw him, his face was overcome with a smile and he ran to the knight. The knight lurched forwards, sweeping the prince up in his arms and twirling him around. Their lips met as the sun set behind them, and neither man looked back when their hands intertwined and they made their way to the gates. Together, in life and death, the prince and the knight loved each other infinitely.
Perhaps the story was a dramatic version of a more modern setting. Perhaps the prince and the knight really did exist and have only been forgotten, left to time. But there is one thing for certain: the prince and the knight loved each other, and nothing could ever stand between them. Neither distance nor mountains could separate them. I wonder if the prince and the knight had lived on, what would have become of them? Likely the same. Forget about “’til death do we part.” For death did not part the prince and the knight. It only strengthened them.
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