Ever since dating apps and websites were a thing, I was never able to relate to others who use them, nor was I able to be in a casual fling or a one-night stand. Don’t get me wrong, I had no issues with people participating in them, it was just never something I had in mind.

Throughout my life, I thought I was not normal since I never really had crushes, nor did I find most people sexually or physically attractive. I also had issues relating to sexual desires whenever my classmates in high school brought up those topics. As I slowly discovered my identity throughout college though, I began to realise that I wasn’t abnormal. Rather, I was in the aroace spectrum, where I didn’t have sexual or romantic attraction towards most people. Specifically, I only had sexual and romantic attraction towards people who I had a strong emotional bond with, typically friends. This opened up my perspective and I finally saw myself for who I was, and not who I tried to be.

A few years after that, I then discovered my gender identity. You see, I was assigned male at birth, and though I had no issues being a boy then a man, I had always struggled with relating to gender roles, let alone the concept of gender when I was in college. The eternal struggle of “what makes me a man?” didn’t help either. I always felt the want to break through the gender binary, and not feeling I needed to be a man, a woman, or nonbinary (as a whole), but rather no gender. It was through some Google searches I then realised that agender was a thing, and it became the gender identity I desperately relate to.

All these realisations and discoveries had me thinking if I wanted a partner in life. Was I in need of love? Should I find someone who I can relate to in many ways? Do I want someone in my life sexually and romantically? Do I even like anyone I know? All these questions came up to me and the answer, as most people can guess, was a resounding yes. Though I’m in the aroace spectrum, that didn’t mean I didn’t crave for love. On the contrary, it made it so difficult to find someone I desired, let alone someone who desired me.

“Lee, take a look at this case, please, we’ll need this by the end of the day.”

Rob, my colleague at work, was calling me, and I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind while I tried to formulate a response to him. This day was a busy day and I already worked on a few cases before this, so I wasn’t looking forward to working on another one. However, since everyone else was swamped with work, I had no choice.

“Okay, let me see what I can do." 

Right, work. With my finance degree, I was able to get a job as a financial analyst at Wish Corp and have been working there since. My day-to-day tasks can vary, but most of the time I had to evaluate if the cases that were brought to me were profitable and made sense to the company. I wouldn’t say I love my job, but it was definitely something I didn’t hate, and it paid my bills. 

Oh well, so much for relaxing for a bit. After working on the case passed by Rob, it was already getting late, so I packed up my stuff and headed home. As I didn’t drive (I wasn’t a fan of driving, though I did have a licence), I would usually take the train and walk home from the station, as I didn’t live too far away from the station. I wasn’t a fan of tight spaces, and though it was getting late, there were still many people in the train I was in, so inevitably I was standing close to a few folks. I typically had music playing while I was in the train, as I didn’t need to know my stop (it was the second-last stop before the terminus), so it was hard to miss.

Suddenly, the train jerked forward as it approached a station, and someone’s body crashed onto me while I wasn’t paying attention. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor with the person lying right beside me. My glasses also flew from my head and landed somewhere I couldn’t reach, as I couldn’t feel them on the floor with my hands.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I was trying to hold the handrail but my hands slipped because my hands were sweaty!”

I took a good look at them, but I couldn’t really see as I needed my glasses. Yes, I was a bit pissed, but accidents do happen and though I wasn’t in my best mood, they seemed apologetic enough and I wasn’t that mean of a person.

“It’s okay, but do you see my glasses anywhere on the floor? I can’t really see without them and I can’t seem to find them.”

They quickly searched (or at least from what I can tell) and handed me the pair of glasses I sorely needed.

“Here you go, I’m so sorry again, do you need anything else?”

Ah, they probably wanted to make sure I was okay, which I was since I was able to stand and walk without issues. I just needed my glasses back so that I could see properly.

“No, I’m fine, I’m getting off in the next stop anyway.”

Once I replied, I took a closer look at the person who crashed onto me and I immediately realised who I was talking to. I knew them, and never in my life have I wanted to leave that train as soon as I reached my station.