My chest was a skeletal incasing for a frozen, dead heart. I wasn’t sure when my heart stopped beating for thriving emotions, for boisterous times, and for the beauty of living. I wasn’t sure when the fire died off from within me and left behind a miscreant, jaded, cold woman with a macabre soul. Maybe it was when Mother and Father passed away, leaving me with the heavy onus of this empire on my wire-thin and incapable shoulders. Or maybe it was when Abar locked herself away and waddled in her own madness, relishing the solitude and insanity bubbling within her. Or maybe it was when I realized that the weight of each life underneath me was a heavy anchor in the palm of my hand. Or maybe it was right now, when the tiny, almost nonexistent spark, started fading away.
My head was so heavy that it was as if my head would tilt back with the weight and fall off my reed-like shoulders. The General’s room was meant for times of war; after all, when was it that I needed to gather all of my Generals into one room for an emergency meeting, other than during times of tumultuous war? It was a grandeur room with curtains of embroidery, streaks of gold and silver, and a magnificent giant table with golden tips and a glossy finish. The map of Da’al was plastered in the center beneath a sheet of glass. Father had always loved to have a touch of gold with everything while Mother preferred silver. His touch was in every breath of this room. Would he have sat silently like I did?
General Ahmes slammed his fist down on the beautiful table with enough force to crack the glass beneath his clenched hand. It was pressed flatly against the Capital of Da’al. He raised his finger and pointed accusingly at General Intef, whose face was dipped in red with his thick veins bulging from beneath his stretched, taut skin. The other Generals wore grim expressions, none of them speaking out as the two Generals battled with words. They were inhaling and exhaling so many words, spitting out and daggering each other with such violence.
My hands twitched. It was my responsibility to rule these men—to guide them and bend them for the desires and betterment of the Da’al Empire. I was the sovereign. I was the one who held the crown of this empire, while they held the swords and spears. I was responsible for them, as they were responsible for me. And yet, my incompetence dulled the incandescence that rung from within them.
“How could you do such a thing on your own accord?!” General Intef shouted. He rose from his seat, his chair clattering from beneath him and skidding against the oak floor. General Intef had always been a great friend of Father’s, so it was expected that he treated me like a child. Yet, handling the situation was my job.
“I did what I had to!” General Ahmes shot back at him. He, too, stood from his chair with enough vigor to topple his chair over. It banged against the floor. The other Generals shifted in their seats. No one wore a smile.
I closed my eyes. Barbarously screaming and shouting were not my style. Mother had always taught me to be gentle with words while Father had told me that silence was lethality. Carrying your words with enough calm to rattle your subjects was something that was drilled into me for years and years. Abar had never been good with words, and even worse with her anger; I, fortunately, could keep my cool under any fire. I was too apathetic, some said.
“You had no right to kill those people! How will we overturn a massacre?”
“I told you, it was for the best that I did what I did.”
“Who gave you the right to do such a thing? You are not the monarch! You cannot carry out such actions without an ordinance from the crown—from the Queen!”
My emaciated chest constricted tightly. My breath was lost within the fighting. I had never fallen into depravity before; I had never fallen into the deep, dark, depths of my own mind. I always kept myself busy with work, work, and work—my empire was my child, my responsibility that was crushing my thin shoulders. And yet, at this moment, all I could do was sink into my own mind, fall into the folds of my madness—the madness that was always on the surface, beckoning me forward.
“Cease.” My voice was but a ghost of a whisper, and yet everyone froze. General Intef craned his neck to look at me, his gray eyebrows shooting upward in shock. I could imagine him patting my shoulder and telling me not to worry. “Empress, please don’t worry yourself with such affairs. Let me handle this.” My eyes fluttered shut for a moment and I inhaled sharply. The room was deathly quiet, save for the shuffling of feet and the heavy breathing of General Ahmes. My eyes snapped open. “Cease with this garrulous nonsense. You, Ahmes, have imposed your draconian actions upon five-thousand people.” My voice, which always shook whenever I spoke to my Generals, was solid and void of emotion. I sounded dead. “You massacred five-thousand Awani men, women, and children, in my name.”
General Ahmes straightened his shoulders and stiffly bobbed his head. The defiance in his eyes struck a nerve from within me. He was proud of his actions. He found no fault with them. My fingers curled around my armrest. He cleared his throat. “Yes, Queen Artakama. I had the men and women along the border of Da’al and Awan killed. The savage men and women were causing trouble for our soldiers.”
His head was tilted the tiniest bit back, enough for him to look down at me. The grimness on his face was washed away with the resolution thrumming from him. He was unashamed of his actions. He though he was right.
What insolence.
The madness within me snapped at him to bow his head. I breathed out calmly. It was so odd how, although I was told the news that a massacre had occurred in my name, I had broken down in a cold sweat. I had been a sniveling, trembling mess with the weight of each life bearing down on me profoundly. Now, however, I was calm, cold, and almost calculative. I was still shaken inside. Five thousand lives. Lost.
“General Ahmes, you have committed a massacre without a decree from me,” I said calmly. My brain rattled with the information. Five thousand lives. Five thousand lives. Five thousand lives. I exhaled deeply and stared at him levelly. “You have committed treason to the Crown and this Empire. You moved without my permission; your job was to stay within Fort Ah’ra, and yet you moved to the border. This could have proven detrimental if we were attacked by a bordering nation—Kadios, in particular. Having a foothold into our empire could lead to our downfall. Furthermore, you committed an atrocity. For these reasons, I am sentencing you to death.”
Silence followed after me. None of the Generals moved, though they exchanged wide-eyed looks with each other. I had never spoken to them in such a tone. Furthermore, death of a General was a heavy cost to any empire, since they were the very pillars of it. General Ahmes was slack-faced, unblinkingly staring at me in utter disbelief. It wasn’t until General Nafi grabbed him by the arm that he blew up.
“Your Majesty, what in the name of the Spirits do you think you’re doing? Sentencing me to death? Your Majesty!”
The same scene had probably played when he had ordered the massacre of those Awani people. They must have shouted and screamed and begged for their lives to be spared. They must have wondered why it was happening to them. They must have cursed their fates. Their cries had fallen to deaf ears, just as it was happening right here.
Queen of Blood.
Queen of War.
I closed my eyes and breathed through my nose.
Five thousand people, dead.
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