That dream plagued my mind for what felt like weeks, but was actually days. As the days counted down out of June and into July, the sound of cicadas screaming in their tree perches filled the air along with the sound of whirling sprinklers as the younger kids in the neighborhood were enjoying their last week or two of summer vacation. I sighed softly from the front walkway in front of the apartment, the bright sunlight washing over everything as a soft haze, the scent of train coal smoke mixed with hot pavement and the trees flush around the city with all of the flowers and bushes along the medians richly in bloom. I folded my arms atop the hall’s railing as I looked out over the sprawling city in front of me. I looked down towards the watch on my wrist to see the date showed as early July. I didn’t have a coat on or anything because of the warmth and my two week notice for both jobs had finalized the other day so I just have…nothing to do, though my mind was already reeling about what could possibly happen without those extra days of money.
Other gifts had arrived for me like a new set of bedding to take to school, people were bringing foods and things for not me, but Dad with notes saying that sense I’m going to be at school, Dad may need help with just…ensuring that he’s okay. I know the school is actually in the same state as here, but I’ve never really traveled much. There were even offers for people just giving us money to pay for the apartment’s bills sense I paid a good chunk of them too. I wrung my hands to the extent my knuckles went white and popped from the motion as my shoulders went taunt. I liked being outside around this time, Dad liked to smoke inside when its summer, though he likes to smoke inside regardless of the weather, but the inside of the apartment smelt worse with the heat baking the scent out of the curtains and fabric around the room, the walls and floors were stained yellow with a near haze of nicotine across the surfaces, I’ve wiped something off the wall and left this wide streak of white from where the nicotine was cleaned off the wall.
I just dipped back inside the apartment to get my bike as I went down the stairs with it over my shoulder as I just…wanted to get away from the stale and fresh scent of cigarettes and dust. I just let my bike coast down the street when it got into a higher gear as I rested my arms atop the handles as the spokes rattled and ticking as the wheels bumped and rattled against the road. I sighed as the scent of the wildflowers and flowering trees of the city’s main plaza filled my nose, the sound of people soon hitting my ears as I went through the main drag, but I just needed to go somewhere quiet. I rode through a large park and made my way up a massive hill leading up towards the huge tree at the top, the large canopy thick with leaves making nearly the entire hill washed in shades. I collapsed on the ground as leaned on the tree, looking out over the park around me as I crossed my legs and absentmindedly plucked blades of glass weaving them into a small chain as I just let myself enjoy the quiet, loneliness of being entirely alone. I looked down to the chain of grass I made just as my mind simply was nothingness, it was only a few inches long, but long enough I could twist into a ring. I sighed softly as I just let it fall to the grass around me as I looked out over the city, seeing the trailing clouds of smoke and steam caused by the trainyard slowly floating past the rooflines and vanishing off into the sky above.
I looked up towards the canopy of the tree, the dark back near ashen black and the dark leaves a clash against the pale overcast sky as washes of clouds floated and coiled off across the sky letting thin rays of sunlight streak across. I wrapped my arms around my legs as I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my head on my knees as I closed my eyes: just…not going to sleep or anything, but just letting my mind trail off to wherever it wants.
When I was still in high school, the guidance councilor really suggested that I see someone just to talk out through everything that’s happened, everything that is going through my mind and talk to someone who can take what I’m feeling and saying apart to get to whatever is plaguing my mind. I used to have trouble sleeping because of how anxious I was about Dad and myself, constantly thinking about what was going to happen to the apartment, what was going to happen to us…I really, really just collapsed into a terrible state that I’m still working through: I’m still having trouble sleeping, I have trouble with panic attacks, I cannot stand being in crowds bigger than a handful of people, the thought of it is making me even more anxious about going to the school amongst…a lot of other things…all I could think was damn near praying to be hopeful about the idea of this school’s therapist being part of the room and board or free.
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