Burring my head into my pillow I sobbed, I was so happy that I was not alone. All the fear that plagued me washed away, my pain and self-loathing followed suit. I finally had someone to share this world with and it soothed my very soul.
I knew very quickly that we couldn’t meet or do anything outside of die together but even that was comforting. Not having to die alone, not having to restart alone, and not having to be the only living thing inside this repeat.
“Hi.” I repeated in my head “did he hear me? Was I too quiet? What if I was muffled by the sound of the train kept him from hearing me? How are we going to talk…” my gaze drifted down to my stomach and I lifted up my shirt “could I do what he did to himself?” The thought made me nauseated “how come I could staple my eyelids open but this form of self-mutilation made me want to vomit?” I sighed knowing the knock would come at the door again and I had no plan in action on how to communicate with that boy.
“Wake up, Rose!” It was time to begin, again.
Getting up, getting ready, and being forced to listen and participate in the evil conversation felt easier today. My body acted on auto-play as well as my words, having lived this so constantly it was easy to let myself go. “What’s he doing right now? What was his life like before the jump? I wondered if he had it bad? He’s too good looking to have it bad.” I tried not to blush “stop it mind. He wasn’t that good looking.” Oh, God! I covered my face knowing I was about to relive my Father threating me “Why are you thinking this way?” I chomped down on the inside of my mouth “keep your thoughts together.”
It was like an angel and devil had appeared on my shoulder. One wanted me to consider all the good things and begin to devise a plan on how we could talk. While the other wanted to think about how cute he was despite the bloody letters on his body. And the problem about this? I couldn’t tell which one was which.
I followed through my day thinking in my head “What are you going to say to him if you two can talk? Why would someone cute like that want to talk to you? Why do you think a dead guy cute? Is this like Stockholm syndrome without the kidnapping part?” How I wanted to scream out “this is so frustrating!” What was going on with me? I’d released my inner thoughts and now they were playing games with me. My angel and devil were playing games with my head and leading me deeper into these thoughts. “Ugh!” I silently slammed my head against the desk.
The paper ball soared through the air and nailed me in the head as I continued to think longingly. I looked at it as it fell on the desk, but no rage came to me that day. I just stared at it as if it was an old friend I knew was coming. I unfolded it and just stared “I wonder what his name is?” My eyes re-read the words, but I was too lost to even realize what I was reading “what if he knows the way out?” I froze “what if he knows the way out?” Calm down. I grabbed onto the side of the desk to stop myself from making that announcement. “Figure it out, Rose. You need to talk to him…. you need-“ my eyes fell on the note again “maybe…”
He stood staring at me on the other side looking at me. I could tell he wanted to shout something at me, but he just remained motionless staring at me. But he looked so different now, so much happier than before. I could see some red splotching on his shirt – he was going to try to talk to me again. I grabbed the balled-up paper in my pocket “me too” I thought.
The train enter the station and his shirt went up.
氣です in bloody letters across his stomach.
As we jumped, I couldn’t help but smile. I knew his name and now “he’ll know mine” I pushed the balled-up paper in his pockets just seconds before the train hit us. And sent a silent prayed to God that by some magic the repeat won’t erase it.
My eyes shot open as I began the repeat again. “She handed me something.” I tried to calmly reach into the pocket of my uniform jacket “slowly. Slowly. Slowly.” I felt the balled up piece of paper and nearly shouted from the excitement. “Slower.” I said pulling out the paper “no sound or you’ll lose it.” I pulled the paper under the desk and began to undo it.
It was the hardest thing to try and unfold a piece of piece of paper like this. Every little sound, I had to pause and try to keep myself from blinking. “You got this.” I told myself “you got this.” I slowly unfolded it.
My heart sunk as my elbow hit the underside of my desk and the pencil bounced off and headed straight to the floor. I’d fucked up and I needed to hurry. I tore into the letter.
Was all I could read before I blinked sending me back in time, a time that did not include the letter which had a lot more on it. “Shit.” I sunk into my desk “I royally fucked that one up.” But at least I knew we could talk to each other, it was going to be hard and complicated, but I could speak to her, to Rose. I smiled before I could stop myself. “Rose.”