Riddhima quietly entered my room. One look informed me she had something to ask that I may object. “What’s up?”

“There’s this New Year’s party…” She got straight to the point and I could assume the rest. Kripa got word of this party and asked Riddhima to go along but she wouldn’t go without me.

“Where?”

“Beach. Kripa says it won’t be that crowded. Just our group and couple of other people. I’m guessing there’ll also be those who’ll come to watch the fireworks.”

Yes, I imagine even if the party won’t be crowded, the beach would eventually get crowded closer to midnight. I negotiate not wanting to hold my friends back from enjoying New Year’s Eve on my account. “Just for a while?”

She instantly nodded, “Yes, whenever you want to come back, just say the word.”

I agreed and asked, “When do we leave?”

“In an hour or so.” She answered with uncertainty because she doesn’t know how long Kripa will take to get ready. And, she usually takes her sweet time. “I’ll get ready.”

Once she left the room, I sat up on my bed.

I was going to do something I knew I was going to hate. Crowds meant too many people to walk around and there are always occurrences where people accidently brush past each other. As already established, I hate physical touch. I panic when someone merely invades my personal space - touching is out of the equation.

I flashed back to a week ago when I had my last panic attack. I’d woken up in my own bed with Riddhima next to me. She didn’t say anything but I knew there was only one possibility.

Arnav.

He moved me to my bed and I didn’t wake up. It unnerved me knowing he had touched me and I’d slept through it.

How?

I had worried how to face him but then I’d found out from Kripa that he’d gone home to spend the rest of the holidays with his sister. That eased my concerns but I knew he’d eventually return. The closer the day came, the more on edge I was.

I turned to one sure thing that could always calm me down.

I called Armaan and luckily, he answered instantly. “Hey doll! I was just about to call you.”

“Why is that?”

He pointed out though I have a feeling I knew what he was going to say, “You haven’t called in a week and I was worried. You call every other day. Something happened?”

Well… the one thing I can talk to him about without any holdbacks. “Kinda…”

“What? Are you okay? Are you fine? Why didn’t you call me? You should have called me!”

His worry and anger was justified. I knew just how much he could get concerned for me. “I meant to… I just have a lot on my plate.”

“What could be more important?”

I bit my lip pensively, “The fact that Arnav saw me like that? That he helped me? That he carried me back to my room when I fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t even realize when or how? That he…”

He interrupted my listing, “Whoa there, doll. Slow down. One thing at a time. Don’t go about giving me one shocking news after another.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled but not truly. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head before Arnav would return so I can go back to my shell without worrying what he would do or say or ask.

Getting his thoughts together, he proposed a question, “Okay, so what’s bothering you? The fact that he helped or that he saw you like that?”

“Both?” I answer having no idea which troubled me more. “We have this unsaid dislike for each other. Why would be help me? And he saw me like that - at my weakest. I don’t like anyone seeing me that vulnerable. You know that. He saw it and he said nothing about it.”

“That’s good, right? He isn’t asking for any explanations. You can pretend it didn’t happen.”

“But it did happen! It’s not good.” I exclaimed, “It’s eating me alive as to why he isn’t. Any sane person would. They’d have questions. They’d be curious.”

“Doll, just ignore it if he is too. He probably understands this is a touchy topic and doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up.”

He offered but I am not satisfied with this hypothesis. “Like he would care about that.”

His voice was soft as he admonished, “Doll, you don’t even know anything about him to be judging him.”

That’s the thing about people closest to you. They don’t sugar coat things for you and they call you out on your bullshit. Am I judging Arnav too harshly? Probably. Still, I argue. “I know enough from what I see. He’s a damn player. He flirts and uses girls. That’s all. He breaks their hearts. He’s a hypocrite.”

Armaan continued to probe, challenging my thinking. “And? He could have his reasons. I used to be just like him. Still, you love me - and don’t say it is only because I’m your brother and you’re required to be on my side.”

I rolled my eyes, “It’s different. You were a harmless player. You didn’t go around sleeping with all the random girls.”

“And you’re so sure he does?”

I snapped at him in slight irritancy, not needing to think about Arnav and girls. I could least care about that for the bottom point remained the same. “Armaan, he is not like you okay? I know you only dated these girls to make Ridzzi jealous and…”

Before I could finish, he shuts down my idea. “Not true, doll. When I dated those girls, Basket had nothing to do with it.”

“Don’t even bother, Amy.” I call him by the nickname I gave him as a kid. “I know you like her, remember? There’s no point in lying about it.”

He let out a sigh, “True, now. Back then, I didn’t know that but anyway, see, I had reasons. He probably does too.”

“Yeah, that he has no heart. It’s all just a game to him, bhai. And when a person like that helps without questioning, taunting me about it later and making my life a hell, it raises questions. It makes me wonder why.”

He gave up on changing my mind figuring out I wasn’t going to change my opinion about Arnav. “Let me guess, you’ve been avoiding him since?”

“No,” I lied. Well, it wasn’t really a lie. He hadn’t been around that I would have the need to avoid. “I plan on it.” I added knowing he would challenge me on it.

He laughed in response.

I changed the topic, “Anyway, distract me. How’s everyone there? Is dad any less stressed?”

“No… it’s only getting worse. He won’t say it but I can see. I wish he would just tell me. I can’t help much right now as I don’t know the business but I can try. I just can’t wait till I finish up college.”

“He can’t tell you, Armaan.”

He got defensive, “Why? Because I’m adopted and not his real son?”

I scolded him, “Shut it! You know that’s not true. He’s a father. He would say it’s his job to take care of us. He wouldn’t burden us with that. It’s just how fathers are.”

He sighed plucking out his anger. “You’re right… but still. If I knew anything about business already, I’d be helping him.”

I do my best to comfort him, “I know you would, Armaan. He knows it too. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Things will get better in time.”

The later words…the assurance… they were words I desperately needed someone to say it to me and yet, here I was saying the same to someone else. Then again, he needs someone to tell that to him too so I guess it’s the least I can do.

We talk some more as I don’t have to really get ready. I don’t care about that. I’ll just comb my hair up and put on shoes. Our talk is pointless but it takes me back to our earlier days that made me feel as if I was back home.

It made me feel that I was in the safest place in the world next to someone with whom I could count on to always be safe.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .