I watched as Arnav stepped out of the car parking it just as I had closed the passenger door after getting out myself. “Where are you going?”

I hope he didn’t plan on staying.

He answered, “You very well know the answer to that, sweet pea.”

I was about to chide him again for calling me that when I deemed it best not to. The more I continued to react, the more he’d keep on calling me that to irritate me. As much as it affected me and I hated it, I decided the best thing to do was try and ignore it long enough for him to think it wasn’t bothering me anymore. Hopeful then, he’d stop calling me that.

I stepped in the elevators refusing the take the stairs even though our apartment was only on the third floor. I was glad when he didn’t follow and instead took the stairs. Reaching the floor and stepping out of the elevator, I noticed the door was already unlocked.

Great. Now he had keys too. Day by bay, it felt like it wasn’t Kripa, but him, who lived here.

I muttered walking past him on the couch and towards my room, “Well, good night.” He could plan on staying but that didn’t mean I was going to stick around and entertain him.

“Wait, Khushi?”

I let out a sigh for I had been hoping to retire to bed but he kept dallying.

“You aren’t serious about that silly resolutions game, are you?”

“You care because?”

He asked back, “Shouldn’t you?”

I was starting to understand this trick of his. He never directly answered. He almost always turned it into another question.

“No,” I lied and turned to leave.

I heard him say, “Fooling yourself, I see.”

Without turning again to look at him, I said. “Please, can we just go back to the time when we would pretend like the other wasn’t around?”

Not sticking around for his reply, I left for my room hoping he’d get the message. I would very much like for things to go back the way they were a week ago. The time we didn’t have these many private conversations. The time we didn’t talk at all, to begin with.

I’m not asking for much, am I?

I still have tons of questions about him though. It was still tough to grasp that he helped me again tonight. When no one, not even my best friend had noticed - too taken away with celebrating - he noticed. Despite it all, he still wasn’t asking any questions. Why? It made absolutely zero sense.

It was sure to drive me insane.

Let’s not forget… there was the fact that I didn’t lose my sanity this time when he held my hand. I couldn’t feel it and at the same time, I could. I had stared at my palm for the longest trying to understand. That feeling I had felt only for a few seconds, unlike ever before. When he’d held my hand, somehow, I had used him as a tether to the real world. For only those seconds, why did I feel that sense of… safety. The way he held my hand as if he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.

And that was an enigma for me. How could I ever have felt that emotion with him around? Because I felt it from the last person I expected it to come from, I couldn’t help but be angry.

I only felt safe with Armaan, Riddhima, and Angad - and he was stealing that.

This was selfish and narrowminded of me, but I only wanted to feel that safety with those three, not with Arnav or anyone else. Much a contradiction, I didn’t want to feel safe.

I didn’t want to feel anything.

I had worked hard to have a numb heart and just cover myself with so much pain that no one could ever hurt me again. They had caused me enough pain to last an eternity.

And let me remind you, eternity is a very, very, long time to suffer.

I wanted to hold on to that and Arnav was challenging that, shaking the balance and threatening everything I no longer wanted to associate myself with.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I woke up in the middle of the night. Again. Snapped out of my dreams with Riddhima shaking me vigorously. I wiped the lone tear marks off my face as I grumbled, “As much as I love you, Ridzzi, I hate you right now. This is a pretty fucked up way of yours to help me.”

The night mares were returning. No. They weren’t returning. They had returned. Though, I asked myself… when did they ever stop?

I just knew if I even attempted a single thing on Riddhima’s list for me, they would never go away.

She laid back in bed, “I know it is, darling. But trust me, it will help.” She sounded so confident.

“How can you be so sure?”

She closed her eyes to sleep again, “Good night, Khushi.”

She didn’t say it but I still got my answer. There was only one person who could have helped her. Armaan. I wonder why he never told me but then I scoffed to myself. Ofcourse, he wouldn’t. He knew what it would mean… putting me through this pain before I could even begin to heal and that was one thing he wouldn’t stand to watch.

Sometimes, I envy Riddhima. She knows it too. I must have told her many times. Most of those times though, she knew I was joking around. This once, I do mean it. She had that one person in her life that she could trust, no matter the amount of fights they have. That one guy who would stick by her through thick and thin.

He was that steady rock in her life.

Even when they were at war with each other, when needed, they’d be there for the other in a blink of an eye.

It’s times like these that I envy their bond. The love and trust they have. Times like these, I wish I had that as well. Sure, I have the same guy in my life but in a different role. He’s a brother to me and a friend and lover for her. And a person like that? There was none in my life. There was never and nor could I have one after this. I don’t think I can ever bring myself to let my guard down long enough to trust someone to always be there, to always save me.

Honestly, at times, I felt like I shouldn’t be so weak. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Waiting for someone to swoop in and save the day?

I should learn to save myself.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I couldn’t find any of my hair ties! They were all gone. I couldn’t find even my hair clips.

I had a pretty good idea who could be behind this and thus, I barged into her room yelling. “KRIPA!”

And well, next thing? I instantly covered my eyes. I hadn’t expected Arnav to be there, on the bed, sleeping. Shirtless.

Does this guy never go back to his own place?

He mumbled in annoyance, “What now?” I did feel bad for a second for waking him up but then again, I didn’t. “What does a guy have to do to get some peaceful sleep?”

I sassed back, “How about, going to your own place instead of crashing at your sister’s. Where’s Kripa?”

“Obviously not here. Now, I’d like to go back to sleep.” I started to leave with a scowl on my face when he added, “Oh, and if you’re looking for your hair ties, she hid them in her closet safe. I’m sure you know the code. And you did not hear this from me.”

As soon as he had said ‘hair ties’, he had my attention and I’d turned around to face him. Though, I still hadn’t moved my hand from over my eyes. I had no intention of seeing him half naked.

Praying I wouldn’t stumble into anything, I tried to recall things where they would be in her room and navigate around with careful steps. I had my other hand in front of me patting the air as I waited to touch the wall which would tell me when to turn right.

Feeling it eventually, I turned but only to fall. Courtesy? Whatever pile of clothes she had discarded carelessly on the floor.

I fell on something hard. “Well then, what do you know? There just might be better ways to waking up then hearing you yell.”

I stiffened as my senses came back to my aid. The bed. Out of all the places. I felt myself burning up as I realized his hands were around me.

He questioned, his voice so close. “Why are your eyes closed? You aren’t falling anywhere.”

I wanted to smack him. Atleast it told me though he had his eyes closed when he had told me where Kripa hid my hair ties and hadn’t known I’d walked in with closed eyes. Gulping, I informed. “I am only going to count to three seconds before I scream murder.”

What do you know? It did the trick. He moved his hand right away. I couldn’t bring myself to move because he whispered and I could feel his breath fanning over my ear giving me an idea of how close his face was to mine. “Happy new year.”

Last night, he had said it but it was almost spoken sarcastically. Right now? He was truly saying it. Wishing me. Why did it feel so… sacred? As if that quiet voice of his was meant only for me. As if he really did wish this year would be different for me.

Again, it didn’t settle well with me the same way that weird safety feeling I’d felt last night.

I moved at once and got to my feet. Without sparing him a look, I opened my eyes and walked to the closet to retrieve my hair ties before leaving. Not once did I glance at him though I could feel his eyes following my every single movement.

Being around him was getting harder by the day, by the second.

When I entered my room, a crazy - absolutely crazy - idea hit me. I couldn’t stand him. That was exactly the kind of person I needed to get over my fear. If I could bring myself to trust him enough to be a friend, I could maybe trust others too. If being around him wouldn’t freak me out, I could start living normally again.

No.

I shook my head. It was a ridiculous thought. This was never going to happen. I would never ask him for his help. Why would he even help me?

It will remain a thought.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .