In the early evening in the town square. The theatre troupe is performing before a small crowd. Helene and Demetria enter.

TOM

(Low to Peter.)

The faerie who exposed us last night has come back. Should we get out of here?

PETER

(Low to Tom.)

Yes, we should slowly and smoothly retreat. Don’t draw too much attention to yourself.

FRANCIS

(Low to Peter and Tom.)

Gotcha.

(To audience.)

Thank you all! You have been a terrific audience, but we really must get out of here. Before we leave, please consider throwing some quazar our way. We’re artist and we all know that being an artist means that you’re always struggling.

PETER

(Low.)

Good thinking, Francis. Let’s go.

(They begin to exit.)

HELENE

Hey, it’s the pick-pocketing theatre troupe again!!! If you don’t believe me, check your pockets!!! I can guarantee that at least one of your valuables has gone missing!!!

FEMALE CROWD MEMBER

You’re right! I’m missing my diadem.

DEMETRIA

Your what?

FEMALE CROWD MEMBER

My diadem. It’s shaped like a raven and has a sapphire in the middle.

DEMETRIA

That doesn’t clear anything up, but I guess it must be very important to you.

HELENE

Anyone else missing something extremely important?

MALE CROWD MEMBER

Yeah! I’m missing my gold pocket watch! I was going to sell that, so I could buy some fancy hair combs for my wife!

OTHER CROWD MEMBERS

I’m missing my brooch!, I’m missing my earrings! I want my money back!, Rip ‘em to shreds!!!, etc.

(They start yelling and clamour towards the stage, attempting to attack the theatre troupe.)

TOM

Peter, brother, I think we should be getting out of here.

PETER

I do believe you are right, but first…

(Yelling at Helene.)

Curse you, faerie!!! You may have won this battle, but you will not win the war!!!

HELENE

Yeah, well, I’ve got magic on my side. And a whole angry mob. Besides, a few friends, what damage can you really do against me?

PETER

I—I don’t know!!! But I will figure it out and get back at you…somehow…

NICK

Come on, Peter. We’ve really got to go!

TOM

And we’re nothing without our fearless leader!

FRANCIS

Well, I’m sure that Nick could probably figure it out, and he’d be a lot more honest about it too!

CROWD MEMBERS

Die!!! Get them!!! Give me back my brooch!!! Screw your courage to the sticking place!!!

PETER

All right, all right, I get it. Let’s get out of here.

(Peter leads the group offstage with the crowd running out right behind them.)

DEMETRIA

Who were those people and why are they in this play? Are they essential to the plot?

HELENE

If we’re being entirely honest, then I can tell you that only Nick is really essential to the plot. The rest of them were carried over from the original play, and even in the original play, they didn’t really have that much of a role.

DEMETRIA

So…are they just the comic relief?

HELENE

Let’s face it, this entire play is comic relief. It’s not supposed to take itself too seriously. So, do comic relief characters serve a purpose then?

DEMETRIA

I guess not. So…besides that…why did the author include them?

HELENE

No idea. But she sure is having a lot of fun with them. No harm in that.

DEMETRIA

I guess not.

(Zelda enters dragging Peaceblossom, Cobweb, and Mustardseed, who are arguing behind her. Aside to Helene.)

Were we only talking about this to give the other actors time for a quick change?

HELENE

Yep! And I’m completely fine with it!

(To Zelda.)

Zelda, what did you and your ragtag group of misfits discover?

MUSTARDSEED

Excuse me, but I have nothing to do with these idiots. I am a higher life form.

PEACEBLOSSOM

Are not! You are too much of an idiot and a coward to admit your true feelings to poor Cobweb!

COBWEB

Wait, what?

MUSTARDSEED

That’s not true! Where did you hear that?

PEACEBLOSSOM

Nature told me. It tells me everything.

MUSTARDSEED

Yeah, well, nature isn’t always right.

PEACEBLOSSOM

Yeah, it is! It’s nature! Its job is to know the nature of everything. Besides, you shouldn’t insult it so willy-nilly like that. Nature has known to have a bit of a temper.

MUSTARDSEED

Yeah, right, like nature can do anything to me. It’s nothing but a bunch of plants!

(Shouting.)

You want me, nature? Then come and get me!

(Beat.)

I’m right here!!! What are you waiting for?

(Beat. To Peaceblossom.)

Nothing! Where is your precious nature now?

PEACEBLOSSOM

Still here, just biding its time. It says it’s waiting for the moment when you’re least expecting it to strike.

MUSTARDSEED

Of course, it is, because you’re delusional and all this talking to plants shit is all in your head!

PEACEBLOSSOM

You just know I’m right, and you want to explain the gay away.

MUSTARDSEED

…No! Shut up!!!

PEACEBLOSSOM

I’ll take that as a “yes.”

ZELDA

Both of you shut up!!! Now!!!

(They fall silent.)

Thank you!

(Sighs. To Helene.)

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn much because I had to babysit these nymphs—

PEACEBLOSSOM

We’re not nymphs!!! We’re faeries!!!

ZELDA

Well then, don’t act like nymphs!!!

(Clears her throat. To Helene.)

As I was saying, I didn’t learn much, but I did figure out that this job is bigger than just solving Hermes, Theseus, and Demetria’s problems.

HELENE

Why’s that?

ZELDA

Because my sister and Oberon seem to be having problems as well. They’ve never left the faerie court before, and I guessing they came to Taedmorgan to get away from it all.

HELENE

So…did you get any details on why they’re having problems?

ZELDA

Yeah, she chose him because he was handsome, wealthy, and important, so he was essentially forced to marry her.

HELENE

Wow. So…Oberon was oppressed in this situation?

ZELDA

Yep. So, neither of them is happy in this situation, and our job here won’t be complete until we give them the happy endings they “deserve.”

(Aside.)

Although, in my opinion, my sister doesn’t deserve a happy ending for everything she’s put her people through, but my opinion doesn’t matter.

HELENE

So…do you have any leads for Titania or Oberon?

ZELDA

No.

HELENE

Okay…do you have any leads for Theseus or Demetria?

ZELDA

No. As I have mentioned before, I didn’t get much done to babysit these nymphs, so I had to watch them.

HELENE

But you could have delegated some of the work and trusted them to get the job done.

ZELDA

Last time I did that, someone went a little too far and ended up scaring off one of our clients.

HELENE

Yeah, but I found her again. Besides, we’re good friends now.

(Turns to Demetria.)

Right, Demetria?

DEMETRIA

Sure.

HELENE

(To Zelda.)

See? Besides, I was the one who introduced Hermes and Lysander!!!

ZELDA

Yes, but you essentially yelled at the top of your lungs “Princes and princess looking for someone to hook up with.” That doesn’t mean it’ll work as a lasting relationship.

HELENE

Just because something starts out as a no-strings attached doesn’t mean it’ll end that way. People change. Or at least, characters do.

(Aside.)

Especially when incompetent faeries are involved.

ZELDA

Yes, but a relationship that builds overtime means we have to stay here to make certain the relationship is the real deal. If you were good and patient with your match-making, you could have created a relationship where the two of them had an instant spark of connection and we would be out of here.

HELENE

Wow. You are really into efficiency, aren’t you?

ZELDA

Yes. Why aren’t you?

HELENE

Because I want to be there to watch the couple fall in love!!! It’s a magic all its own!!!

ZELDA

Ugh. Not only incompetent but also a hopeless romantic. Just what I needed.

HELENE

If you hate love and are just going through the motions, why did you choose this job and why are you still at it?

ZELDA

I joined the Faerie Tale Fulfilment Agency because I had a passion for it. But I lost my passion for this job overtime. The only reason I stayed was because I’d worked my tail off at this job for several years and felt that one day all that work would eventually get me a promotion, so I didn’t have to do any more of this shit. And I was right. After this job, I will be field manager and I get my own office. Then I can get paid to just sit around and watch you make fools of yourselves.

MUSTARDSEED

That’s the dream right there.

PEACEBLOSSOM

No, yours would include Cobweb somehow. Probably doing something that involves your wit beyond measure.

MUSTARDSEED

(Turns to Peaceblossom.)

I’m going to strangle you!!!

PEACEBLOSSOM

You’re going to have to catch me first!!!

(Runs offstage.)

MUSTARDSEED

Why, you little—!!!

(Runs off after her.)

COBWEB

Well, I’m not entirely certain what just happened, but at least, he’s not arguing and trying to strangle me for once. I should probably follow them just to make certain that they don’t kill each other. Or get lost. Or cause extensive property damage.

(Reluctantly starts to follow them off. Shouting after them.)

Wait for me, you guys!

HELENE

So…

ZELDA

So. I believe we’ve spent enough time on me and talking about what I didn’t accomplish. Why don’t we talk about you and what you accomplished and didn’t accomplish?

HELENE

Well, I found Demetria.

ZELDA

I can see that. Anything else?

HELENE

(Grabs Demetria’s hand and starts to drag her off stage.)

…Why don’t we go check out what those faeries are up to, Demetria?

DEMETRIA

Oh…okay I guess.

HELENE

Zelda, you can go check in on Oberon and Titania. And maybe bring back a character that showed up in the beginning but has since been forgotten about. Hint, hint.

ZELDA

Right. Well, then I wish you good luck and I expect that Demetria will be watching you to make sure you don’t get into any trouble…?

DEMETRIA

Of course. I have to make sure she stays alive if she’s going to—

HELENE

All right, all right. I think that’s enough.

(To Zelda.)

See you at the palace in an hour?

ZELDA

Fine.

(Helene and Demetria exit, Helene dragging Demetria slightly.)

Now, I’m pretty sure I’ll run into that witch boy kid if I wait in the tavern long enough, and I could use a mug of marzipan beer to wash away my troubles of tonight…make that two…or three…

(Scene fades out as she exits.)