Tujuheim 180

I am sorry I have not written for two weeks, my diary. I am struggling with so many emotions. I find it hard to speak most of the time, and most of the talking is done by Caerwyn and his friend, Terry.

Terry is a very talkative boy—like I was when I was first captured—and I long for a time when I was his age and living happily with my family. He gossiped and had high hopes for the future just like I did, although his hopes were very different from what mine once were.He wanted to be a Templar Knight, and I wanted to be a mother.

“Did you hear about the king’s daughter…?” Terry asked Caerwyn as they took a break to water their horses in a spring we had come across. “Word has it that she’s in love with a shepherd boy!”

“Terry, you should know better than to spread idle gossip!” Caerwyn chuckled a little. They talked a little bit more amongst themselves, laughing heartily. Eventually, Caerwyn noticed me, hunched over and sitting cross-legged by myself on the other side of the spring. “Can you give us a moment, Terry?” Caerwyn asked him.

I heard Terry answer him quietly. “Uh, sure…”

Caerwyn brushed through the long grass on the side of the sping to my side. He crouched down and said, “You’re so quiet…”

I didn’t answer. I looked away from him.

“I have something for you, Princess.” Caerwyn said cheerfully.

He sat in front of me and took off a lovely necklace that was hidden under his white mantle. “It was my sister’s.”

The necklace was made of gold and had a big sapphire in the shape of a star hanging from it. Caerwyn fastened it around my neck silently—always being careful not to touch me—and then told me with a grin. “Look how pretty you are…”

I glanced at him briefly, and then looked down at the beautiful necklace. “Sir Knight, I cannot take such a precious thing from you… And please stop flattering me. I know I am ugly to you. I am not sure I was ever pretty at all.”

“I am being truthful. If not, I would surely have fallen off my horse by now! And besides… My sister would want you to have it. The necklace provides protection for the poor souls in the world who have been unduly wronged. It has saved me in many battles.” Caerwyn explained. “It has been blessed by priests.”

I examined the pretty sapphire intently and then asked, “You must have been the son of a nobleman to be able to afford such a treasure.”

Caerwyn shook his head with a smile. “No, my sister stole the precious thing from a rich woman who taunted us when we lived on the streets.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I’m sorry… How did she…?”

“Lack of food.” Caerwyn told me. “But she was a brave and kind lady, who always gave to women who were less fortunate than her–women who deserved it. I’m sure she would have given to you, too.”

I blushed a little and avoided his gaze. “You must stop flattering me… Besides, I am a stupid coward. I would never have escaped without your help.”

“You’re wrong; you needed so much courage to lift yourself up out of despair and escape. Especially considering I could not even assist you by touching you!” He exclaimed heartily.

We were both silent for a time as a cold wind rustled through the grass. I wished I could have enjoyed it more, but I couldn’t with such a heavy heart.

“Why… Why aren’t you allowed to touch me—or, women, rather?” I asked him.

“Because it keeps me a happy and moral creature and brings me closer to God.” He explained enigmatically.

I giggled a little. “That sounds like the opposite of my religion! I was to be one of the many wives of a king!”

He couldn’t help but let an expression of disgust escape his face. “To think, you, such a pretty and precious lady should be treated in such a way! I am glad I rescued you from such a fate!”

I was confused. “It is a great honor to be one of the many wives of a king...”

Caerwyn said nothing—clearly not wishing to offend me—and then he stood up. “Come on Princess. We should get moving.”

We rejoined Terry who was sitting next to the horses and looking dreadfully bored. I giggled a little. “I’m sorry, Terry.”

Terry stood up eagerly. “It is no problem, Princess! I am just glad to hear you laughing!’

I said nothing, but a frown returned to my face. What an insult to my people it was to be smiling in the face of their demise.

I hopped on the back of Terry’s horse and we rode off again.

Time passed, and I sank into thoughts of my precious family.

Particularly, my little brother, Kieran. He was so young to have lost his life. He adored me, and I liked to teach him things my tutor taught me. I taught him big words, mathematics, and writing. For fun, I told him exactly how a princess like myself was supposed to act, and he thought it sounded horrible. I did too.

“You must always sit with your ankles crossed so no one can see your undergarments, you must only have two meals a day, and you must eat like a bird and not a pig, and lastly, you must learn to sew!” I remembered telling him.

“I don’t think you’ll ever be able to stop eating like a pig, Mimi.” My brother joked.

That set me to giggling back then.

I had fourteen half brothers and sisters, and I didn’t know why I clicked with Kieran more than the others, but I did. What a sweetheart he was.

I would not disgrace his memory by acting happy. I must always be a woman of quiet passion, like mother, and honor his death by tears and silence.