“So… You have a crush on her,” she smirked.

I almost slipped on the steps. Incapable of denying it, I spat out, “She has a boyfriend, Katie.” My words, much too loud, bounced off the concrete walls. I winced.

Confident in her accusation, she prodded, “That wasn’t a no.”

I didn’t know what to say. My face felt hot, but my hair was too short to hide my blush, and I hated everything about this situation. I just wanted to go to the gym, I hadn’t been prepared to admit that I had feelings.

I was straight--am straight. Fuck.

I wasn’t supposed to like her, and my friends weren’t supposed to notice.

Katie sauntered up the last few steps and pushed open the door, winking at me as she left. I shot the receptionist a closed-lipped smile as I signed in; it was all I could manage. My brain was torn between the giddy bubbling of a new crush and the fear of being found out.

I was no stranger to hiding my emotions--I always seemed to fall for the wrong people--but I would need some time before I got them properly bottled and sealed. So yeah, I liked Marce, but no, I was never going to tell her.

Honestly fuck Katie for noticing.

Even so, my face twisted itself into a smile at the thought of her. I couldn’t help it.

She was perfect. Logically, I knew I was simply blinded by infatuation, but I would worry about that later. I was attracted to the girls who were just as fucked up as me, and it never took long for me to realize I couldn’t possibly be with them. Not that that stopped me from trying.

Two fucked up kids don’t make a sane couple, despite what math might say. I wish life worked like that, but believe it or not, no one can fix me but me, and I sure as hell can’t fix anyone else.

I cranked up the music in my headphones and started the treadmill. Katie wasn’t a runner, so I had a semblance of privacy while she went to go find someone to spot her. It was something I would never be able to do. Talking to people? Requesting assistance? Being around strangers? Not my thing. I actually hated going to the gym, but it was too icy for me to run outside, and I needed to run. Nothing else could make me feel good about my shitty life.

For some reason I had a lot more energy than usual, and my plan to work myself into mindless exhaustion didn’t seem plausible. I only had an hour before my next class, and I just kept seeing her smile every time I closed my eyes.

It was quickly becoming a problem.

I undoubtedly looked crazy, running on a treadmill with a grin on my face, but it wasn’t really my fault. I hardly ever clicked with someone, and the fact that we had clicked so well that even my Straight friend noticed the chemistry meant that something was there. Or at least I really wanted something to be there.

I had practically thrown one of my friends out a window just for the opportunity to talk to her, and the more we spoke, the more I wanted to be her everything. She was damaged, throwing herself at whoever could give her a sense of security, but much like me, she always chose the wrong person.

I might not be the right person, but at least I know what it means to love someone, to want to cherish someone. I hated hearing about how her ex had anger issues, that he yelled at her, that her current boyfriend didn’t appreciate her interests, that he refused to do things she enjoyed.

I’m by no means perfect, but it would have been so much easier to get her out of my mind if I wasn’t so sure I was a better match.

The treadmill slowed to a stop, and I ran straight into the bar in front, having been unaware that my time was up. I stood there for a minute, gripping the handrails, and tried to calm my racing heart. I didn’t want to leave. As much as I hated the gym, being in there was like being in another world entirely, and I wasn’t prepared to go back to reality yet.

I didn’t want to hear Katie interrogate me about my sexuality. I didn’t want to see Marce in class the next day. I didn’t want to feel things.

Granted, feeling things was my forte. There was no stopping it.

I pulled myself back up after I had control over my lungs and found Katie over in the corner flirting with some sweaty dude in a muscle shirt. It seemed like a good enough excuse to leave without telling her. I’d shoot her a text later and apologize.

Riding the bus back alone felt a little weird, but for once I craved the feeling of being surrounded by strangers. None of them knew me, none of them cared about me, and none of them wanted to talk to me.

Of course, my phone buzzed nonstop with texts from people who did want to talk to me, so there wasn’t really much peace in the situation. Katie wanted to know who the hell I thought I was, leaving without her; Emily was prodding me as to why the hell I thought it was a good idea to leave Katie alone because I had to have known she would blow up Emily’s phone in frustration at my terribleness; and both of them were upset that I left them on read.

Truth be told, I had spent the last few minutes staring at the series of texts from an unknown number, trying to figure out how to respond.

Unknown: Hey!!

Unknown: It’s Marce! From math

Unknown: We took that quiz together today. I hope its not weird I have your number.. your friend gave it to me I’m not stalking you I swear

Unknown: I was just wondering if you wanna hang out sometime or something

I stared and stared until I had to look up and take a deep breath to keep from getting motion sick. My head was throwing options at me. Be casual. Be cool. Be flirty. Pretend she had the wrong number.

But despite giving myself such great advice, everything I wrote was cringey as hell. I was nowhere near ready to respond when my phone buzzed again.

Unknown: hey man if you dont wanna, its fine

I had forgotten she could see me typing.

Me: No, no, sorry fam, didn’t mean to worry you. I’d love to XD I was just amused by your stalking and trying to come up with a good retort XD

All in all, it wasn’t bad. Definitely could have been worse. I scrolled through my photos while I waited for her to respond, trying to find an anime character who resembled her to put as her contact icon. I settled on some random raven-haired vampire image I found online. It was the best I could do until I knew her better.

Marce: What’d you come up with ??

Me: Um….. I didn’t get much further than calling you a stalker.. so. nothing really XD

Marce: I’m disappointed

I smiled down at my phone. This was not good. I really liked her.

Of course, my friends being their usual selves, felt the need to start calling me, and I knew better than to hit decline, but there was no way in hell I was answering it on a bus.

I pulled the cord to request a stop and practically fell out when the door opened. I had no idea where the fuck I was. Great.

“What?” I snapped. I don’t think they appreciated my tone.

Or at least I’m assuming they didn’t appreciate it based off the string of cuss words thrown my way. Who knows though. I held the phone away from my ear, giving non committal responses and trying to figure out whether I should walk somewhere or just wait for the next bus to come in an hour.

I hung up as soon as I could, which, sadly, took a lot longer than necessary. I was in for a lot more yelling the next day, that much I knew, but I was glad to have some reprieve for a few hours at least.

Unsure of what to do, I shot a text to Marce and started walking back toward the strip mall I had rode by earlier.

Me: fuck I have no idea where I am

Almost immediately I got a reply.

Marce: just drop a pin, I’ll come get you

Me: do what now

Me: And you don’t have to do that XD I can wait for the next bus

Marce: drop a pin

Me: I. What. Is that supposed to mean something. Is this like Dorothy’s shoes. I’m. Confused.

Marce: … do you live under a rock

Me: Yes. Save me. Show me the way. Lead me to the light. Teach me how to human. Also it’s raining now and I’m cold.

Me: Why the hell did I get off the bus

Marce: Idk dork why did you ?? Describe where you are

I looked around, hoping to find a street sign or something.

Me: Um. Some random neighborhood?

Me: Here, hold on, I’ll look myself up on google maps

I sent her a screenshot of my location, and tried to tell her again that she didn’t have to help me, but she came anyway. I can’t say it upset me.

Granted, it was awkward as hell to sit in her car, listen to her music, and see flashes of her boyfriend on the homescreen of her phone every time she moved to change the song. Part of me hated that we liked the same music. Rare was the day anyone appreciated my terrible indie punk bands, and the connection brought me closer to a girl I needed to push away.

I’m not even sure what we talked about. I just kept glancing over at her, trying to memorize her features, hoping to engrave her in my memories. It was horrible. And it was great. And I feel like a total creep.

I’d been watching her since the very first day of class when she walked in late sporting a buzz cut and a sheepish grin, so I’ve been a creep for a while. Not that that makes things better.

The juxtaposition is what got me; I’d never expect a girl to look so cool yet act so cute.

I guess that’s when it all started. If I could go back in time and sleep through that moment, I would. If I hadn’t noticed her then, in the exact second her badass facade faltered, I wouldn’t have bothered asking to work with her. I wouldn’t have bothered with her at all.

Maybe that’s rude of me to admit. Maybe I should give people a chance based on their personality, not how troubled they appear to be. Maybe I would stop falling for the wrong sort if I stopped trying to uncover their tortured pasts and cement myself in their lives as a trusted confidant.

Too bad I don’t work well with probability.

The odds were not in my favor, but I still wanted to stitch our broken hearts together and sing shitty punk songs like we lived in some kind of emo disney movie.

I wanted my happily ever after, and I wanted Kurt Cobain to sing about it.

But when she pulled into my driveway, all I did was smile and thank her and walk inside. I didn’t even look at her lips, despite that dark purple lipstick begging for attention. Hell, I barely even looked at her, because I knew I’d never be able to tear myself away from the oceans burning in her eyes.

Because I was weak. Because I was a coward. Because I knew better than to try. Take your pick.

As much as we tried to deny it, we both knew that as soon as the quarter ended, we would stop talking, stop texting, and forget anything ever happened. I would forget the feelings, and she would forget my face.

Granted, knowing the future didn’t stop me from turning on my music and collapsing on my bed in a lumpy heap of emotions; it didn’t stop me from texting her until well into the morning; and it definitely didn’t stop me from flirting with her.

All it did was make me sad. Every second with her was bittersweet, like lemon candy and sunny skies.

Sour, hot, and gone all to fast.

And yet, for some stupid reason, despite knowing the outcome, I still found myself falling for the wrong girl.

Hell, falling for girls might be my first mistake.

Or maybe just falling.

Or maybe I’m a mistake.

Who knows.

Regardless, I’m still gonna fall again and again until I get it right.