I ran from them. I ran from being a leader when they gave it to me. Why did I run? Why didn't I stay? I just couldn't handle the pressure of it, knowing that they would come to be and it was my job to be there. I couldn't handle it if something went wrong. Maybe this is all just in my head and I am overthinking it. No ,no I am not overthinking it. I didn't find a place to sleep so I just climbed a fire escape and slept on a roof top. It was cold but I didn't care. It was now February 4th. The only reason why I woke up was because the sun came out and shined into my eyes. I didn't want to wake up because I have to face reality. I was somewhere between 90th and something and I didn't want to do anything. I felt numb and drain. My neck still hurt and that reminded me why I left them. It was a shitty thing to do but it was too much. I couldn't handle it. I turn my walkie-talkie off so no one can try and talk to me. I am so useless. Then i hear crying.

What the hell? Who the hell was crying so early? I got up and look over the edge of the roof. I saw that it was just a kid. They were all alone and I felt like i should help them. But then I notice that the kid had a cut on there back. I got down from the roof and follow the kid. This kid well little boy had blood coming from his back. What the shit I said to myself. And that's when I notice the bite mark. It look fresh, but I couldn't bring myself to end his life. So I made myself known and went to him. This was the perfect moment to studied what the virus did to people who weren't dying or dead. I know that this was fucked up and I should put him down but I wanted to know what this thing was. "Hey kid what's your name" I ask him. "Jake" he said. "Well Jake nice to meet ya, I'm Jackie, do you want some food" I ask him. He nodded his head and I give him a fruit bar. He look so happy having food and someone to talk to. "So Jake why are you all alone?" I ask him. "Well I was with my mommy and then she got sick then she try to bite me that was last night and I ran away" he said. Damn I didn't know how to respond to that so I didn't. I just watched him as he talk about his mom and how she got sick. By sick I mean bitten, so getting bit can lead to sickness then death? Well i guess i got the perfect opportunity to wait and see what happens with Jake. it was still early so I told the kid to follow me.

We went to an ally and i put him on my back and climb up the fire escape. After the climb I put him down and just looked out over my city. We were about five floors up. It was cold but it didn't bother me. I saw the kid shiver from the cold and took off my jacket to give to him. The sun was making its way across the skin and I didn't nothing but trend to this little kid. The kid, Jake, was getting sicker and sicker as the day goes on and by nightfall he was showing flu like signs. He has a fever and sweating, coughing and what not. His eyes however were changing. His sclera wasn't as white but slowly turning black. His irises were changing color as well. From light brown to black. He kept on getting worst and worst. The sun was now setting and I saw blood leaking from his eyes. It wasn't all blood, it was the same substance that growlers and tickers leak. It was about 20 hours or so since he was bitten and less when I met him. It was late but I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. I needed to watch him and make sure everything that I am seeing is written down.

Here I am on a rooftop watching some kid died and turn into a growler or ticker while I left my crew. Well I couldn't get more fucked up even if I try but you never know. I was starting to doze off when I hear Jake coughing. I move next to him to see what's wrong and he started throwing up the reddish black substance. It was midnight now and here I am watching him died. Doing it for science I tell myself. He looks at me and says "Will I see my mommy again?" I told him he would and he close his eyes. A few minutes later he was growling. I didn't know what time he got bit but it took about 24 to 36 hours from them to show any signs of the sickness then died in order to become one. "Sorry kid" then I took my bat and bash him in the head. One good hit and he wasn't a growler anymore. I took his body and my bloody jacket and wrap him up. I am not a person of god or anything like that but I did say some words for him, just letting him know that he is all good. Then I dropped his body over the side of the roof.

I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I just lay there and saw the stars. I haven't seen the stars in a long time. Even after everything I did today I felt calm and relax. Maybe I am getting used to this, killing something that is already dead and now killing those who are alive. Will I get use to this? I don't know that answer just yet. I do know that I am alive and some kid isn't because his mom went and died and shit. Now I am alone just like the start of this. I don't know why I ran, I know I just did because I would fucked everything up and get everyone killed. In about two hours it was going to be morning and I was going to go exploring and send anyone alive and well to The School. I mean I was the leader because of the tattoo on my neck, yet I still felt the need to send people there so they can live. The sun was now up and I got up and made my way to the street. I was still pretty close to The School so I made my way north from where I killed Jake.

He was just a kid and he didn't have to go through that but I also couldn't end him while he was still breathing. I guess that's one thing that will never change unless I have to put someone alive down. Or if someone needed help. I don't know maybe? Why is this going through my head. I just wanted to stop thinking for a while. I wonder if I'll change the way I am now. A day or two from now maybe a few weeks or months, years if I survive that long will killing people who aren't Growlers and such will be easier. Because if it does get easier will I still be me? Will Claire and Jimmy and Tabi and the rest of the crew want me to be their leader? I mean everything is different now why did it I'll have to change? How did this happen, why did this happen? Why the fuck are we locked in here? Trapped inside my goddamn City the place I call home?

These are the questions I ask but ain't nobody here to give me answers. Hell I can't even get myself answers so what am I doing thinking this to myself forward and talking to them about it like I'm going to get a response. All I know is that I killed some kid named Jake because his mom that on any turn into a growler. I studied him from the moment he got bit well not exactly but from the moment I found him to the moment he changed. I said some words and dropped his body off the side of a five-story building. A month ago I just wanted to buy some books from Barnes and Noble and get a coffee and look at me now. I'm the leader of a group called The School, I got a tattoo with TS and a crown on top on my neck. And yet here I am writing down symptoms of what it's like to get bit and comparing it to the very first time I saw someone get bitten. Right now I am on Amsterdam Avenue, trapped with walls all around because our government is it going to be sending us support going to be sending those crates of supplies. Which have been a whole week since the announcement and nothing. I'm not seeing any military aircraft like a no-fly zone around Manhattan. You know what it probably is a no-fly zone around the house because they think it's a boring. This virus is not airborne you just gotta get bit or die and that's how you get it.

I swear if I have to put down Kid or someone who is alive I'm going to lose my damn mind."I mean how do you expect me to stay sane after this" I ask no one in particular. Great I'm now talking to myself even more. I just when I wake up I feel like this is just a really fucked-up dream but I know it's not. That's the messed up part because I know I'm alive I know I can feel the wind on my face I can feel my muscles aching I can feel the hunger in my stomach and I just want this to be a dream but it's not it's not a dream. I've killed a total of 3 living people but I might as well should have killed Jake because I watched him die and turn into a growler. I mean that's just as bad as killing someone who's alive. I watched him get sick and sicker and I saw him change and I'm just watching him from a few feet away writing an ever-present Journalthe signs and symptoms of what it's like to get bit by an infected. And 5then hit him until he wasnt alive anymore with my bat Max. What is happening to the world I'm living in now? Why am I not emotionally affected by this like how I was going to kill that 16 year old boy who got bit in the face by some random kid that probably was a sister? Wandering around doing nothing . I mean I know where I am. I am now on West 110th Street and Amsterdam Avenue pretty close to Columbia University. A top-notch school here. Where people put a lot of money to get an education and most of them were in debt. I mean who cares now we are in the middle of a zombie apocalyptic now and you now the only thing you got to worry about is death. However death isnt a means of escape anymore.

Here I am walking alone, minding my own business my mind is racing a mile-a-minute When I hear scream. I swear and take a look around my surroundings when I hear a scream again. I move towards it as fast as I can but also as quiet as I can. There were 3 people and two of them has weapons and the other one doesn't. It looked like they needed my help. So I stopped thinking and I just charged out and I smashed in the scroll of the closest growler. One hit one kill time to move on to the next one. After about 5 minutes of fighting I introduce myself and tell them that this place is close by. I give them a walkie talkie and tell them what channel turn it to ask for then I walked away from them. I didn't want anyone to know where I was back at The School so I just kept it moving. I know that was crowdly but at the same time it wasn't because I just wanted to be alone I didn't want to be in charge of anyone or anything. But here I was in charge of the School now holding about 20 something people. Well fuck that, I'm going to send people there but they don't need me.