You come back home with your head full of Liz.

You couldn’t be happier that you managed to say goodbye to both Carmen and Mary (although they didn’t exactly hear you), but closure is closure, and you’ll take it whatever way you can get it.

With everyone but Liz though.

With Liz it has to be something more, she’s the whole purpose.

You wonder what would have happened if she was there on the class. What would you have done?

Would you let Matthew get even more involved and actually talk to her?

Would he accept that?

You don’t know what to do, thinking about it makes you exhausted.

***

It’s day twenty one and Matthew already told you about his family.

His dad died shortly after his little brother was born, his family wanted him to go to Uni, so he left his hometown to fulfill their wish, but he’s not exactly happy here.

He can’t leave because his mom wouldn’t be proud, or at least that’s what he thinks. His mom can’t join him here because he has two little brothers and a job.

He has a three month leave. You have no idea how he got that and what for, he didn’t exactly told you that part.

You have no new information about Liz. Matthew doesn’t have a facebook account so he doesn’t know about Liz or if she has posted anything on her profile.

You know nothing, but you’re feeling less and less anxious about knowing and more worried about Matthew. About telling Liz, but not quite telling her. You know that’d impossible considering everything.

Matthew’s mom is nice. She calls from time to time, wondering if his son is okay, if he’s eating properly, adamant about him getting eight hours of sleep.

(She asks about Uni too, she doesn't seem to know about the leave).

You wonder if she knows about the scars.

Matthew is walking around the room, talking to her on the phone and it’s one of those mornings where it wouldn’t seem you died. It’s like you’re just Matthew’s friend and you two are chilling, accompanying each other in comfortable silence.

Some nights are hard for Matthew. He has a lot of nightmares and sometimes his words meddle in his head and he starts to hyperventilate.

He thinks about hurting himself, but he never does.

You wonder if it is because you're right there.

Matthew turns to look at you as he talks, it doesn’t feel like a breach of privacy anymore, you two share a little smile.

You wish you could talk him out of those thoughts. But you also know it's never that easy. 

“I like your mom,” you say, when the call ends.

Matthew gives a noncommittal shrug and you sigh. He might not look like it, but he’s in a good mood.

He got up early and everything.

“Speaking of,” you say, pointedly, “I was thinking we could-”

“I’m not travelling to your hometown,” Matthew interrupts, sitting down on his bed, seemingly exhausted after talking on the phone.

It’s a conversation you’ve had before. And with his mom calling it makes you think how your mom is doing.

Probably not good after her only child dying.

It’s not that you hadn’t thought about her before… but you loved her so much. Showed her love everyday, there’s nothing unsaid between you two (except maybe, goodbye).

But she must miss you, right? Of course she does.

And you’d like to see her too.

“But, Matthew,” you don’t mind asking him things now, he’s nicer than he looks, “There’s just a little distance I can take from you, before I start to disappear. I’m bound to you until this whole thing ends… will you please humor me? I’ll be gone soon.”

And it started as a joke but in the end you lower your gaze, cheerful mood gone.

How many days you had left? Like a week or so?

“I’ll be gone soon,” You repeat slowly, trying out the words. It’s true after all. “I want to see my mom one last time. I’m sorry… I’m not planning to manipulate you… I just don’t...”

I don’t know what else to do you think, and it’s the truth.

You’ve got only Matthew now.

not only Liz then you hear Matthew’s thoughts and gulp, thinking he’s annoyed, that he’s going to say no, and you really want to see her, remember her face and...

“Fine,” Matthew says and you look up, you didn’t expect him to, “Tomorrow. I’m not entering to your house though, you’ll just have to go on your own.”

Your eyes light up.

You wish you could hug him, but decide not to push it.

(Besides, it’s not like he could feel it anyways).

***

You stand behind Matthew’s seat on the bus, looking at the road to your house. He’s dozing off, thoughts a mess as he tries to stay awake, but you never see him nap so you let him. It helps you enjoy the way on your own, knowing it’s the last time you’ll see it.

When he sleeps you have no idea what’s going on through his head, but sometimes he wakes up with a haunted look on his face and you just know he’s had a nightmare again.

It’s an hour or so before you’re getting there and you gently start calling his name.

“Matt…” You start and quickly correct yourself, remembering, “Matthew… we’re here.”

Matthew looks surprised for a moment and then slowly nods, smiling sleepily.

“Um, thank you for coming with me,” you say, feeling awkward, hoping he hadn’t heard the nickname.

you can’t call me Matt

“Matt’s okay,” he whispers.

And for a moment you wonder if you didn’t hear correctly after all, but you feel warm all over.

It feels private, this moment, kind of intimate.

“Matt.” You say, liking the sound even more.

It makes you feel endeared, for some reason.