Three missed calls.

Five text messages.

04:01 - Alec: Hey I can't find you at our usual spot, did the teacher hold you up?

04:06 - Alec: I guess you won't be able to answer if that's the case sorry. I'll wait, don't worry!

I scrolled though my logs.

A pang of guilt rose in my chest.

Maybe going home alone, without warning him after all that happened in the past few weeks, wasn't the best of ideas.

04:36 - Alec: I don't want to bother you, but I am starting to worry… you're not in any kind of trouble, are you?

I pressed a palm to my face and shook my head. “Oh dear,” I muttered, “I really should have waited...”

04:54 - Alec: I called your Aunt, apparently she’s just as confused as I am? Sorry if it’s something I did today. Please don’t be mad.

04:54 - Alec: Just... let me know if you got home safe, okay? I want to be able to sleep tonight.

Without wasting another second, I instantly typed in a reply.

05:03 - You: Sorry, I went home early, was tired. I forgot my phone so couldn't warn you. Didn't want to make you worry this much. Everything is fine.

It probably sounded cold, but I hit enter anyway, for Alec probably knew that I didn’t mean anything bad.

05:05 - Alec: I'm glad! Sorry for worrying your Aunt, I hope you feel better soon, call me if you need anything!

As I looked at my phone, I could feel myself smirking like an idiot, and before I knew it I was chuckling at his message.

It was so like him.

Despite having abandoned our unspoken promise for futile reasons, Alec wasn’t even mad after finding out about the truth. I was glad. I felt lucky, to have such a caring, such a lovely soul as my best friend.

05:08 - You: Thanks Alec. But remember to take care of yourself too from time to time. Talk to you soon, bye.

A few seconds later, my screen lit up again.

05:08 - Alec: Hey, I'm not the one who was in the hospital last week!!!

That idiot.

I was still grinning at the text laid out before my eyes as I typed in an answer.

05:08 - You: That’s funny. You perform often around this part of town, Sir Alec?

05:09 - Alec: And you're hilarious. You should join my show.

I laughed. “Pfft.”

I love it when we have these kinds of sarcastic exchanges, I thought as I typed up another message.

05:11 - You: Thank you, thank you.

But something was missing.

05:12 - You: Oh and... Alec?

I hesitated but hey, I thought, what the hell.

05:12 - Alec: Yes?

His reply was an instant one, causing me to raise a brow, as I typed away and pushed each button faster than the last.

05:13 - You: Thank you for today... And, for caring, and every other day. Thanks. And sorry, I won't do it again. Yeah...

Might as well cherish them when you’re both still alive, or else it would be sort of meaningless.

In that moment I remember thinking that one day we'd both leave, one after the other, or maybe together. But, while we were still here, I figured we should be saying everything we needed to say. Certain hopes, aspirations and dreams might have not been in our reach, and we’d surely never achieve our goals of checking everything off our bucket lists; yet Alec and I still had something. The power to express ourselves, and that, I knew, would always be there for us. Whether it was through art, written words for spoken phrases and signs, I wanted to use it till the day I died. Sure, I was uneasy when I let myself be transparent, but I didn’t want regrets. For regrets, they would only burden us. I should know, I have many.

If I could turn back time, I think I would have been more courageous and brave. I think, that I wouldn’t have been so heartless and cold.

My phone buzzed again.

05:17 - Alec: You really must be tired to spout such things. Rebel Erika thanking me… that's quite a sight. Unusual, but, I could get used to it. :) Thanks, Erika, I appreciate it.

And in this moment, I had suddenly felt the need to scout around the perimeter of my room to make sure that nobody could see my ridiculous expression of joy.

Obviously, I don’t know what I’d expected, because despite the ominous presence that loomed over me; it was empty.

My phone flashed again.

05:19 - Alec: Good night, Erika. Get some rest. I'll see you at school tomorrow.

05:20 - You: Thanks, Alec. You too.

I chucked my phone back onto the table and threw my body onto the bed. I landed with a thud and took a whiff of the sheets. They smelt of lavender. My aunt had probably washed them when I was away.

I liked lavender.

I glanced up to the ceiling. What a day, I thought before taking a deep breath and closing my eyes.

When I blinked again, orange light flooded my room and ran up its pale walls. The sun was almost gone. This was my favourite hour of the day, for it often joined me before leaving. I sat myself up and peered out the window. The yellow orb poked its head out from behind the forest that stood a few feet from our home. It was beautiful, but also lonely, to live on the outskirts of town. I was crazy about the scenery, and I really did quite love it, but sometimes I’d find myself missing the feel of a city. The woods however, were not a place that I often found myself wandering into, for my aunt told me you could never know what could be lurking there. A part of me wants to tell her she wanted to do everything to avoid me getting into danger, and yet, despite that; the irony of it all led me to jumping off a building and almost killing myself in the process.

It made me want to laugh. But I was too tired, so I just lay there, contemplating life and how weird it all was.

The moon had started to make its appearance when I finally found the courage to go downstairs and fetch myself some dinner. My aunt was quick to scold me as she explained the negative effects of junk food to my eternally apathetic face.

I only nodded, as I went back up to my domain, chips and soda in hand.

I don’t think she was wrong. The choices I made that day were definitely a binge on unhealthy substances, but they were already in the kitchen, and I found it insulting to deny food of its chance whilst knowing some don’t even have any in their possession.

I wouldn’t let it rot.

I wouldn’t let anything go to waste.

From my school bag I pulled out layers of books. My groan was a huge one as I stared at all the homework my teachers had kindly taken their time to prepare for me during my absence. It was like they were going to follow me into the grave with all these sheets. And I wondered, if a kid who wasn’t done with school yet would have the joy of being followed by a million workbooks, whilst they buried him ten feet below the earth.

Probably not.

I frowned.

I almost died.

I should get a break from this.

It’s not fair.

I sat down and opened a history manual.

I still couldn’t see the point.

I would do these correctly. They would praise me, tell me that I’ve done a good job.

But what is a good job?

They might assure you that you’ve done fantastic work with whatever it is you were tasked with, but in the end of the day, will it really be that praiseworthy? When an artist paints a picture, when a musician composes a piece, when a writer finishes off his greatest novel; how would they know?

Are they not lying from sympathy?

Do they not simply want to rise in your esteem?

Do they want to encourage you to do stupid things?

Just like Leah?

Tapping pencil against worksheet, I wished for the ability to know more than what I did with mere fancy guesses.

A wall of equations came next.

I did half of them before passing out on my bed.

The thought that it will have to do accompanied me as I snuggled my head next to my pillow.

That night, a pair of eyes the colour of fire joined me in my dreams, and before I had realised it — a storm was already raging within me, and it was only a matter of time, before this dormant hurricane that was my life would rise once more.