I don’t know how many drinks I’ve had. I just know I hate seeing my reflection in the bottom of the glass. Was this four? Five? I don’t care, I need another. I reach to the bottle next to me and refill my glass. A few sips later and RIN interrupts my wallowing. “Captain Henley, Brenda Garrison is requesting entrance.” Of course she is.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. “Let her in.” I’m gonna regret this. The doors make their swishing sound and I hear her walking in slowly, as if she might spook me. “Clark?” Her voice is cautious and worried. “How’re you doing?”

I point to the half empty bottle without looking up. “How does it look like I’m doing?” I use a dismissive voice to emphasize my displeasure at her presence. “I just found out I’m basically powerless on my own God damn ship. Those kids are gonna get away scott free and probably get a parade in their honor for trying to kill one of my crew members. One of their parents threatened me but it’s not like I can do much against that either, apparently.” I finally bring my eyes up to her. “So yeah, I guess I’m doing just great.” My dead eyes can’t even begin to express the anger inside me.

She stands across from me on the other side of the room. “Clark, I know this has to be really frustrating. I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, so am I.” I return my eyes to the drink in my hands.

“But even then, you can’t let yourself get this low. Your room’s a mess and… did you seriously eat a whole large pizza by yourself? Clark, that’s not OK.” She sounds like a concerned mom.

“What’re you even… Oh.” As I look around the room I realize that I hadn’t cleaned up at all after Selai had left. The empty wine glasses and pizza box were still on the coffee table and I was sitting on the blanket she’d put on me. “No this is- this is all from last night. Selai came over.”

Brenda’s eyes go wide for a moment as she looks around again and into my room. “Oh, I didn’t know you two were like that.” Like what? “Just remember to pick up your clothes next time.” My clothes? Oh! Shit!

“No! No! It’s not like that! I- I left those there this morning. We just had some drinks and watched a movie. That’s it.” Her eyes go soft as she lets out a suspicious ‘hmm.’

Just then, RIN decided to say the worst possible thing she could: “Captain Henley, Selai Tenlow is requesting entrance.” Are you kidding me? My life is a shitty comedy.

Brenda giggles and begins to walk towards the door. “I’ll leave you two be.” Ugh, why must Selai have the galaxy’s worst timing? I start working on my drink again, switching from sips to gulps. I can hear the door open as the two exchange pleasantries. Brenda gives her a warning that I’m not really “feeling great.” That’s the understatement of the year.

Selai’s footsteps are careful. I can see her bend down to try and make eye contact with me. “Hey, Clark. I just wanted to check on you.” Out of the top of my vision I can see her sit in the chair next to me. “I think you made the right call back there though. You made a tough decision, but this should keep our crew safe, right?” I don’t respond. “So, I think you’ve made the right choice.”

“Selai….” My mind is racing. My emotions are a mess.

I see her straighten up a little. “Y-yes?” This is probably a mistake. I’m too drunk to care.

“Remember the other night? When you asked me why I wanted to be a Captain?” I raise my head a little to look her in the eyes.

Her sad eyes mix with confusion to form an unmistakable concern. “Yeah, at the restaurant on the Port. You said that you didn’t want to and didn’t want to talk about it. Why are you bringing that up?”

“That’s not the entire truth.” Hanging my head again, I prepare my confession. “The truth is that I used to want nothing more. It’s all I dreamed about as a kid. My parents were extremely supportive. They just kept telling me to do my best and ‘aim for the stars.’ When I got accepted to the leadership track, they were so happy for me and they were willing to do whatever it took to get me there. Sure, they made a good living for Mars but… That’s not anything compared to what Earthlings make. They had to rub pennies together just to get me to Earth, and to let me live there for four years? It hurt to see them struggle for my sake but they were just so proud.” My hands are shaking. “Lance and Shauna never really understood my guilt when I said I couldn’t afford to go out as much or whenever I had to purchase all my books or why I couldn’t go home over breaks. They lived on their parent’s money. And you know, good for them. I’m happy that their parents make enough to live on Earth but for some of us, that just wasn’t the case.”

I close my eyes to try and stop the stinging. “I was so happy when I got there. Nothing felt better. I was living the dream. Then came the entrance ceremony, featuring my hero: the great Captain Stan Eldon, that half-pint bastard.” I rub my eyes in a desperate attempt to push the water back in. “I was so excited to meet him. I introduced myself after it was over and said that I’d always wanted to be a captain. He invited me out to get a drink with him - said he had some advice. Do you know how incredible it feels to have your hero invite you out with him?” My voice cracks and I look at her pleadingly.

Selai is sitting speechless, her hand in front of her mouth. I can see the tears forming in her eyes in response to mine. “It was the best day of my life, and…. And he…” She’s fighting back tears. She’s doing a better job at it than I am. “I won’t tell you everything but he told me that Corps was just a waste of my time. They’re crooked and no one’s gonna give two shits about me.” I let a tear fall. I look back down. I can’t face her anymore. “I was destroyed. My hero told me my dream was a mistake. I lost all momentum right then and there…” I’m crying now. “But I couldn’t leave. My parents had spent so much to get me there and they were so proud. How could I face them? And to be one of the few to even get into the leadership track… Everybody would’ve thought I was just some idiot who got lucky. I didn’t have a choice. I’d have to stay and just live with the fact that my future was bound to a bunch of higher ups that don’t give a damn if I live or die.” I set my drink down. Putting my head in my hands I begin to grip at my hair. “And I hated Stan for it. To me, it was all his fault. He ruined my life. He wasted my parent’s money. And he… he was right. That’s the worst part of all of this!” I look back at Selai who’s silently crying, staring at me with an intense sadness. “I hate him cause he’s right. I still send money back to my parents with each paycheck to try and make up for what they did for me. I send money that I don’t want because it just reminds me that I’m trapped here.”

I hang my head and cry. It’s all I can do now. I feel the weight of the couch beside me shift. Selai’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into her embrace. Wordlessly, we sit there, crying.