I’ve really had it you are the most insufferable jackass in the history of humanity. I don’t know why I even bothered to try for the past two years. What a waste of time and breath.

I clenched my jaw and stepped closer to her the people on the park path stared at us awkwardly before moving on with their heads tucked down. Embarrassed and rushed to be gone as quickly as possible. It didn’t faze me anymore her outbursts were so common now all I did was grit my teeth and smile at their weird stares. I chuckled angrily and reminded myself to calm. Stepping towards her I leaned in and grabbed her chin. There was no other way to do this. If I had to keep pretended like I had for the last six months, if I had to have her break up with me one more time, the past six months were hell. I can’t do this anymore you have to snap her out of it. “Well a person that doesn’t love themselves first cannot be loved by others.” I snapped at her pulling her chin into mine and smiling as vehemently as I could. I stared at her with all the anger of the past six months and hoped I wouldn’t crack. That I wouldn’t give away to this beautiful woman how much it was hurting to give her what she wanted yet again. “You're altogether too right… The more I look at you, the more I see why it is that you said you could never be loved so many times.”

I winced inside at my own harshness and tried not to fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness. I didn’t let go of her chin though and I watched her eyes, become alarmed, hurt, angry and fearful all before she physically dropped in my hand. Her eyes dropped as she tried to hide her pain and tears from the monster who was ripping them out of her slowly one by one. My whole body fought me, the desire to kiss her tears away eating at my soul and I dropped my hand before she noticed the slight tremble. I couldn’t let her in, not yet. I wasn’t ready, I would rather hurt her now then see her dead later. I stepped back and scoffed. “The glisten of water on beauty only makes them shine brighter but water falling into dirt only becomes murkier and more unbearable to see. All I see is mud now.” I scoffed and went to turn away. Remember Luke this is how she wants it.

She turned her eyes back and I saw so much hurt and anger. Her chin came up defiantly and I hoped that this time I could help get it through her skull that she didn’t have to be alone.

Yes, well starting in darkness and spewing nothing but it into the world leaves you as a stain on humanity anyway, a disgusting bile stain that is so far away from the beautiful world you’re always saying exists. It doesn’t exist. I doubt anyone like you could ever do anything but gaze at it and wonder what it would be like to be a part of something so beautiful and wonderful.

I clenched my jaw despite how I meant for her to get angry she was just as good at saying mean things as I was I tried not to let her words attack my self-esteem as this was the plan anyway. “Ah, but then I suppose you are not far off from my position at all. I guess I’ll wait for you in the darkness.” I said with a smirk and turned away.

“It hurts when you say these things to me. I can tell you don’t mean them but it still hurts.” Her voice made me stop in my tracks.

I turned back to her.

I sighed and my shoulders relaxed. I brushed my hair back nervously. “You’re a fool for pushing me away on purpose. I know you don’t want it." I was exhausted, faking being angry was more exhausting than really truly saying mean things by accident on a whim. “Janelle, even if you can only love for one day is it better then not even giving your heart a chance at all? Giving us a chance? Is it worth it to not give us a chance just because you don’t know how much time we could have left to share? Don’t you think that is something you shouldn’t have decided for yourself? I don’t want you to leave me behind, but I don’t want to keep on like this either. I can’t stand idly by while you hurt yourself and me. I have taken all your mood swings and anger because I have known that you were only trying to do what you thought was best. But I am not a child and I am not so fragile as to not be able to handle this. Trust me and for once stop being stubborn and let someone take care of you.” I looked at her tears of shock and relief streaming down her face.

“How long have you known? Luke, how long have you known I was sick?”

“A while now.” I said rubbing my neck nervously.

“How long?”

“Since that night in the garden when I came to pick you up from your fake lecture at the hospital. I overheard you and Dr. Markson talking.”

“Oh... That was two months ago.” She responded quietly.

“Yeah, and I have been putting up with you trying to get rid of me ever since. I know about the tumor Janelle. Didn’t you think it would be better to talk to me about it rather than throw me away? Didn’t you think for a minute that there were more options than just letting me go? Does it make it okay for you to be alone just because you think it would be better that way?” I asked her flustered.

“People who are ill are always thought of as someone frail, broken, people just waiting to die. I didn’t want you to have to be stuck feeling that burden... even if it was for just a day or a few hours. I didn’t want to make your life filled with such a heavy burden.” She commented despondently.

“But when you love someone so much their burdens become light, light enough o not even exist, in those moments that it's gone and all that’s left is love isn’t that more important? That isn’t to say that life isn’t hard. I am not that naïve, but loving someone can make the times that are hard to bear a little better. A load becomes lighter when shared Ell, can’t you share it with me? I want to be there for you... I love you. I can’t take loving you from afar anymore and even if it is a single hour, ten minutes, or even these seconds right now. I want to take the time we have and spend it together. Because the tears I have been crying these past months were never been because of the things you would say or do to push me away. But every tear was for the pain and despair I knew it must have caused for you to do such awful things to me when you’re not a bad person. The pain I felt was for all the lonely times when your sobs filled the air behind me and it took everything to not turn around and run to you. For every time I saw you crying after you were sure you had finally gone too far when the pain you felt from the hurt-filled your lungs, till your gasps in the dark sounded as if you were dying. As you cried because you were sure it was over I cried because I don’t want you to leave me, because I don’t want you to die, but more importantly, I don’t want you to be alone ever again. My tears have always been for you! Can’t you see that? And if we are both already crying for each other… Can’t we hold each other while we share the others pain? Does our pain always have to be alone where we can’t help each other? If we can choose each other why are you ever choosing not too?

I held out my arms just hoping she would take the steps towards me. Just hoping I had gotten through her and she would stay.

She choked on her tears but she ran, ran tot he safety of my arms. 

"I will always hold you like this, for now, forever, and in every life after."