Fruh eventually woke up. Her eyes dry and her chest still heavy. There was not a moment of peace even in her unintended sleep, and now a new pain crept up on her.
Growl.
Fruh clutched her stomach that begged for sustenance. Her instincts kicked in and attempted to sate the hunger she had ignored for far too long. She slowly got off the bed and found the room pitch black, she tried to find her way to the door and towards the light switches.
Even if the rather small single room apartment was lit up, it felt as lonely as it was when pitch black. Fruh walked towards the kitchen, passing by her uncle’s ‘room’ which was just the living room with an Ikea closet and an inflatable bed where the couch and the coffee table used to be. She reached the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, she only found a chilled assortment of drinks and a cooled pitcher of water inside. She checked the shelves, then she saw half a bag of bread and peanut butter that was half finished yet a month old. She grabbed the bread and carried it back to her room, not bothering to toast the bread or making the taste bearable with peanut butter.
The door to her room was now closed, she sat at the edge of her bed and pulled a slice of bread, she bit into it, chewed and swallowed. It slowly sated the hunger, it was one pain less. One pain was addressed, another made itself known.
Chaotic was this feeling inside of her, a mix of so many feelings that she hadn’t felt in a long time. Guilt, sorrow, fear, pain, it all was made known and it nearly crushed her. It made it painful. Yet if she was to scream for help, who would come to her aid? Who would be there to hear her? Who would listen and help with the weight that nearly crushed her?
Who would understand?
Who?
Fruh tried to imagine but couldn’t see anyone coming to save her. The parents she had trusted have passed on and was no longer there to console her, those she called friends back in Germany felt so distant. She doesn’t even have friends in school, and her uncle felt so far away. Everyone around her felt so distant. Strangers. Foreigners.
There was no one to understand her. No one to understand why she felt guilty, why she felt sad, why she felt lonely, why she felt worried, why she felt fearful.
Like she shouted at the boy who she grabbed by the collar, no one could understand her. Everyone felt so distant anyway…
She felt lonely.
It was hard to find any reason to move, to do anything. The weight crushed her down to the point she felt she could do nothing. Helpless she was, unable to move forward. To take the next step. To take the next bite to finish the fourth slice of bread. Fruh looked at the piece of bread in her hands, then she slowly looked up at the mirror that sat across the small bedroom. She could see that her eyes were red at the edges, her expression showed her tiredness and loneliness. Seeing herself in such a pitiful state made her wonder what went wrong.
There was a deeper problem that had become the source of her loneliness and guilt, one she could not recognize, yet her worries and fears were rooted in a problem she recognized. It was her character who could not move on, move past the death of a loved one she held very dear. The rejection of the attempts made Fruh worried. Her fear was that Kotone wouldn’t be able to move on, to open up to others and she would fall stagnant and lost. She would destroy herself, falling back to a state similar to how Kotone had started.
And it was Fruh’s fault for starting it. If she hadn’t, Kotone would have been fine. She had already developed a lot as is, it was only her backstory that hadn’t changed at all. Fruh could imagine how much Kotone would continue to destroy herself, how much it was her own fault. She paused, then looked to where her laptop rested. She wondered if she should quit the roleplay so that Kotone’s story would not continue in its path of destruction. She actually considered it.
She went to the laptop and opened it up, she hoped to get the message out before their formal sessions so they don’t expect her. The laptop was only on standby, she was already on the website. All she needed to do was make a post, she swapped to the post sections of the forums.
Ping.
Fruh’s eyes widened as there were almost 50+ notifications on her messages. She paused, then decided to check them, clicking to head back to the private messages tab. Orpheus was on top as he had sent almost half of the messages, all of them asking where she was and trying to contact her. He even offered a phone number. Pasco as well but on a lighter note, taking up 10 as she messaged the same question over and over last night.
Following the two was the co-moderator AquillaTheProf and his assistant Sarararah2000. Both inquiring further albeit in different tones of formalities, the lattermost throwing all out the window as she tried to give cat pictures as a bribe.
Fruh was overwhelmed, she became hesitant. She had hoped to quit, but now she was worried that if she did so she would feel guiltier than before. She realized that what she might do would make others worry.
Guilt settled again, she wondered if someone else could take the wheel…take Kotone and lead her better than Fruh. Lead her back to her friends whom she pushed away-
Ping.
Fruh’s eyes looked to the message.
| Jake41ification: Spring? You alright there? |
Fruh paused. She hesitated.
| Jake41ification: Spring? Did something happen? I saw the threads and I heard from the others.
I rather not continue the RP with this happening. |
Hearing that, she wondered if he would even consider what she wanted. She wondered if he would understand. She paused, the weight making itself known. She hesitated to type to this distant person over the internet, it did seem like a bad idea.
But…who else was there to help her? Who else could understand?
| LikeSpringRain: …I had some trouble. |
| Jake41ifcation: What kind of trouble? |
| LikeSpringRain: Just the whole Kotone thing… |
| Jake41ification: It did look pretty bad.
Mind telling me what happened? |
It felt weird, telling someone else about the problem but if she didn’t it would continue to weigh down on her. She was already this far…
| LikeSpringRain: …I just wanted Kotone to open up.
What I planned to do was explain Kotone’s backstory. I had hoped maybe I can link it to a friend, then make the situation dire by placing them in a comatose.
I thought maybe them passing away would open her backstory up. And her having friends would let her open up easily.
I wanted her to open up and recover from what happened with her friend. She seemed strong enough.
But she can’t. She doesn’t want to open up about her own problem. And it feels wrong to force her to do so.
I tried. Leonor and Morgan tried. Even Mardock tried.
She just shoved them away.
I don’t know who can help now… |
| Jake41ification: …That’s an interesting predicament.
So, you planned for them to open up about this problem, yet what you didn’t predict is the character not doing so and doing the exact opposite? |
| LikeSpringRain: Yes. It’s been worrying me. |
| Jake41ification: Worrying you? |
| LikeSpringRain: I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I got distracted from school just thinking about how it would go if no one approached her or got her to open up.
I got into some trouble because of it. |
| Jake41ification: Yikes, sounds like you had a terrible day. |
| LikeSpringRain: Terrible doesn’t begin to describe it… |
| Jake41ification: Want to talk about it? |
| LikeSpringRain: …Maybe not now. |
She decided to focus on this problem, now that someone was listening. She tried to figure it out. When she looked back it didn’t seem right that Kotone shoved others away. She, Leonor, Morgan, and Mardock were close, they knew of each other’s problems and had helped each other. Kotone especially helped Leonor and Morgan through their tough times. The characters were close.
It didn’t seem right that Kotone would shove them away…
Ping.
| Jake41ification: Alright. How about we talk about Kotone then? Figure out what we can do for her so you can stop worrying. |
| LikeSpringRain: That would be nice. |
| Jake41ification: Well, hmm. Correct me if I’m wrong but what you wanted her to open up about is that friend of hers who passed away? And you expected it to be easy? |
| LikeSpringRain: Yah…I figured it would be a good way to start on her backstory…
Makes me wonder if I should have ever done it in the first place… |
| Jake41ification: That’s fine don’t worry. It’s less a mistake and more you were not really prepared for it. It is a pretty heavy topic for her, and death is serious yet still somewhat uncommon, and rather personal, enough to make the argument of ‘not understanding her’ quite valid.
Though, I can see how she can recover now. You did a good job at least setting the building blocks so you’re not at a total loss. |
Fruh sat up.
| LikeSpringRain: What do you mean? |
| Jake41ification: Well, remember Morgan and Leonor? They too had problems, I think all the characters have.
Morgan had that problem with taking care of his little sisters, not only that but he had that shameful past of accepting prostitution as a source of income.
Leonor also had the problem with her family, how she wasn’t allowed to join the arts courses and was forced into computer science by her parents.
They weren’t open about them, but Kotone was persistent enough to make them open up. Think about it. |
He did have a point. Throughout the RP Kotone had been persistent in making them open up about their problems, she tried to be very supportive of the two. She even took up music just to coax Leonor, she went through shady locations just to accompany Morgan…
| LikeSpringRain: So…I need someone to approach Kotone then? One persistent enough to make her open up? |
| Jake41ification: That’s half the solution.
Even if the person was persistent she wouldn’t open up about her problems fully.
Such a thing honestly requires a move from the other person, a willingness to open up about the problem. |
Leonor and Morgan eventually chose to open up because they trusted Kotone, they made the step to reveal their problems because they trusted her. I think that’s what you should be looking at. People Kotone can trust and can open up to.
What Jake said made sense. Leonor and Morgan did seem hesitant at first to say anything just like the others, but overtime they began to trust Kotone and eventually told her about it. They also took the step forward…
Ping.
| Jake41ification: I have an idea if you will. |
| LikeSpringRain: What kind of idea? |
| Jake41ification: What I can do is find someone who matches Kotone’s backstory or at least has the same problems as her. Someone who also had a loved one pass away.
From there, we can set a thread between the two characters. Maybe kill two birds with one stone. |
| LikeSpringRain: You would do that for us? |
| Jake41ification: Of course. It will take some time to set it up and contact the other person, but I should have it set up by the formal session. I’ll moderate it personally even and coordinate with both of you. |
A faint smile formed. Things started to look brighter.
| LikeSpringRain: Thank you Jake. |
| Jake41ification: No problem. I’ll contact you soon about the details.
Be right back. |
Fruh, for once today, felt glad. The weight on her lightened up, the pain that gripped her heart loosened. It felt reassuring that something would be done, something would change. She just needed to wait. She wondered what kind of character could he end up finding?
Who-
Ping.
| Jake41ification: Ah err, okay this might be a bit surprising. I found someone who seemed perfect for the situation, and they are rather okay with roleplaying right now.
I’m just wondering if you, more specifically Kotone, would be okay. |
| LikeSpringRain: Who is it? |
| Jake41ification: Mardock. |
Fruh didn't like where this was going already...
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