Daniel could see the confused and pleading look on Noah’s face. Good, he thought. He clenched and unclenched his fists and tried to keep his thoughts away.

                                                    ***

Daniel rose from the kitchen table, not bothering cleaning up his plate.

“Hey Daniel, you need to take the dishes.”

“Why do I have to take them? Why can’t you?”

“Because I’ve made dinner and your mother did them last night. Come on, you know this”, his dad said.

Daniel walked out of the kitchen.

“Hey!” his dad called after him.

“I’ll do them later!” he yelled. He felt as if his head was going to explode. Suddenly, he was back at the sleepover, his head filled with confusing thoughts. Last night, Noah had dragged him to Emily’s house party. Which, wasn’t really his thing and he didn’t want to go, but there was no way he’d chicken out in front of Noah. He silently cursed himself for being such a softie towards the other guy. His weak ass would do anything to see Noah smile.

Walking into the party, Daniel knew it was a mistake. He could see the looks and the way people moved to get out of his way. People at his school didn’t like him, which was fine considered he didn’t like them either. He always felt out of place walking next to Noah in public. They different like night and day. Noah was like an angel; blond curly hair, blue eyes, his skin sun kissed, and the most innocent guy Daniel had ever met. Noah was athletic built, and Daniel often forgot that he was on the football team and probably could break a guy in two if he wished. Daniel on the other hand, looked more like the devil; pitch black hair, his skin pale, and always wearing dark clothes. He had a lean but defined body, after boxing and running, but he was still almost a head smaller than Noah and most guys. Where Noah was a freaking ray of sunshine, always a smile on his lips and an inviting personality, Daniel had a glare that very efficient told people to ‘fuck off’. He was rather proud of that one actually.

Daniel didn’t get how Noah could suck up to these people. They were shallow, egocentric douchebags all of them and Daniel hated them. He wanted to leave, but one look from Noah made him stay. Fuck him and his fucking puppy eyes.

What do you do when you’re stuck somewhere with people you hate? You drink, Daniel thought. He didn’t have much experience with drinking before. He was only sixteen, he thought as he took the first sip. Besides, drinking himself shitfaced every weekend with these fucking walnuts wasn’t exactly high on his list of priorities.

Two beers in, and Daniel was starting to relax. Five beers in, and Daniel was almost happy. He was sitting on the couch with Noah, laughing more than he had in ages. Noah had been telling a story. He forgot what it was about, the only thing that mattered was that it was funny, and it made Noah smile, and Daniel was actual happy. Noah suddenly got up from the couch. Daniel watched him walk across the floor and hugging Emily. Fuck, he thought. How could he have been so stupid? Of course, Noah would ditch him for Emily, his fucking girlfriend. He watched as Emily dragged him into a corner and he watched the way Noah grabbed her hips as they kissed. The alcohol that once had made him feel warm, safe, and happy, now felt bitter and bad, and it made his stomach turn. He rose from the couch and staggered out of the room. His vision blurred, and his body didn’t feel as itself. He made his way up the stairs with help from the banister and he dove into the closest room. It was a bedroom, and he sat down on the bed. He put his head in his hands and breathed slowly. In, out, in, out, in, out. His mind felt clouded and his hands felt num. The beer tasted sour in his mouth and he could feel his breath picking up. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate. He suddenly heard the door opening and lifted his head. His heart sank as a stranger walked into the room.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked Daniel. Daniel couldn’t do much more than nod, and even that made the room spin. The other guy walked in and sat down next to him. Daniel tried to give him his ‘fuck of’ look, but apparently it looked more like a confused expression, because instead of leaving the guy said, “I’m Alexander”. Why did he introduce himself? Why was he here, and why couldn’t he leave Daniel alone?

“Dan”, he mumbled. He couldn’t even speak his full name, his tongue felt as if it had swollen to ten times the size of its usual, and he smacked his lips a couple of times.

“Dude”, Alexander laughed, “how much did you drink?” Daniel only shrugged. He had lost counts. His body felt heavy and didn’t seem to obey the laws of physics at all. As he shrugged, he felt his body falling to the side, him being unable to stop it. He felt two arms catching him, pushing him upright again. When he looked up, he stared into Alexander’s eyes. When had they come so close? But it didn’t really matter, he thought, because they were so pretty. So pretty and green. He couldn’t focus his eyes, he noticed. But apparently, neither could Alexander. His eyes kept flickering down and up, and Daniel started to wonder how much he had had to drink, when he suddenly felt Alexander’s lips on his. Even through his drunkenness, Daniel was surprised, but he didn’t move or object. It was rather… nice, actually. He closed his eyes and let his body go on autopilot, returning the kiss. He felt Alexander’s hands on his knee. It slowly glided further and further up his thigh. As his other hand gripped Daniel’s hip, his mind filled with pictures of golden hair and blue eyes. The lips he was kissing suddenly belonged to someone else, and the hands stroking his thigh were sun kissed and elegant. He pictured Noah’s chest pushing into his, Noah’s tongue against his, Noah’s chin under his hand. Daniel knew there was something not quite right, but his body refused to believe it. He sighed into the kiss, feeling his body relaxing and turning into jelly. As Noah let out a groan, his body froze. Noah didn’t have such a deep voice, did he? And his chin wasn’t that sharp or full of stubbles. His body weren’t so muscular. This was wrong. It was all wrong. Daniel opened his eyes as he jolted backwards.

“What the-” Alexander let out confused. Daniel didn’t hear the rest of it, as he jumped off the bed and staggered out of the room, down the stairs and out the front door, into the cool night air. He kept walking down the street until there were no other people nearby. His head span, and he bend over a bush, emptying his stomach. When he got his breath back, he dried his mouth on his sleeve and sat down on the pavement. He put his head in his hands, and felt tears pushing behind his eyes. He wiped angry at the first tear that fell down his chin and forced the others back. He hadn’t cried since the day his parents came bac for him, and there was no way in hell he was crying now – drunk and pathetic. He breathed deeply three times before standing up. He might be shitfaced, but he also knew that he couldn’t sit here forever. Emily’s house wasn’t too far away from his own, so he sniffed once, ran his hand through his hair and started walking.

He ended up puking twice on the way home, and probably stumbled into every single furniture on his way to his room before he finally crashed down on his bed. He fell asleep instantly and woke up with the worst headache he’d ever had.

“You know that isn’t how it works”, his mom said. Daniel stopped by the staircase. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. Not only was he in a terrible mood because of his hangover, he was also so, so, confused. He remembered bits of last night, but most importantly he remembered Alexander. And what they had done, and how he had run out of the room. But he remembered the pictures in his head, and how bad he had wanted it to be him. He remembered how good it had felt, and it made his stomach turn every time he thought about it. Before he realized what he was doing, he had punched the wall.

“Daniel!” his mom called. She came over and took his hand in hers, doing damage control. Daniel drew his hand away from her grip.

“I’m fine”, he mumbled, not meeting her eyes.

“Yeah and I’m Lady Gaga”, she said with a misbelieved look.

“Just talk to us, please”, his dad said. Daniel sat down on the couch and his parents followed him, looking at him with concern. Daniel drew a shaky breath.

“I… like boys”, he said quietly.

“Okay” his father said, not even skipping a beat. Daniel look up at them and saw both of them looking back with only fondness in their faces.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Daniel shrugged.

“Did you feel like you couldn’t tell us? That we would support you?”

“No. I mean, I know you do”, Daniel said quietly. He couldn’t look at any of them. “I just… I guess it just took a long time for me to accept it. Like, I tried to supress it, and I guess I just didn’t want it to be true. I don’t know…”

“Honey, we love you no matter what. Whether you’re gay, pan, trans, or into drag-”

“That would be cool”, his dad chimed in.

“That would actually be really cool”, his mom laughed. Daniel let out a small huff.

“We just want you to know that you are amazing, no matter what. And that you don’t have to feel ashamed or anything to be who you are.”

“Yeah I know”, Daniel said. And he knew it, that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and it made everything make a lot more sense. He just thought it would be a lot fucking easier, if he didn’t crush on his best friend. He just wished that it would go away soon, it had been five fucking years, for fucks sake.