He turned as he heard the door opening. His heart was nowhere near calm, and it didn’t calm down at the sight of Noah in the door, either. The need to punch something grew significantly stronger. He stared at Noah from the other side of the room and cursed himself for ever befriending him all those years ago.

“What’s wrong?” Noah asked.

“Nothing.”

“Daniel-”

“I said I’m fine”, Daniel cut him off. There was too much anger in his voice for him to be convincing.

“Dude, I’ve been your best friend for like, 10 years. I know you’re not fine. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

Daniel looked at Noah. It didn’t matter what he did, or how many deep breaths he took. One look at his stupid, stupid face was enough for Daniel to fill to the rim with anger. He hadn’t been this angry in years.

“Daniel”, Noah pleaded. He stepped into the room, but stopped when Daniel backed further into the room. Daniel had never been much of a talker, and there was no way in hell he was starting now.

He clenched and unclenched his fists and tried to keep his thoughts away. What was he supposed to say? There was nothing he could say that wouldn’t make Noah hate him or make him run away in disgust, so what was the point? He was so fucking weak.

“Just talk to me!”

“Fuck off, Noah.”

“Dude, seriously! What is your problem!?”

“My problem? You want to know what my problem is?”

Daniel could feel tears push behind his eyes. He clenched his fists harder as he stared at Noah. It’s you! You’re my fucking problem!” Daniel yelled. He could see the way Noah flinched. It looked as if Daniel had slapped him.

“I was just trying to help”, Noah said hurt. Daniel’s head screamed, and he felt as if his heart would explode. He couldn’t let Noah look at him like that, so full of worry, care, pity. It only made him want more, more, until it would be too late to go back. Until he would be unable to look at him as a friend ever again. He couldn’t let himself want that, to want him, so he did what he did best. Daniel got angry.

“Well you’re not helping!” he snapped. “You’re just making everything worse!” It was a kick to the stomach, to watch Noah so offended, so sad. His usually so open and happy face was now closed off in a frown. Daniel felt like he was suffocating. He needed to get out. He walked towards the door, but Noah easily stepped in between him and the door.

“Get out of my way”, Daniel growled.

“No.”

Daniel tried again, and Noah pushed him back. He was getting real tired of getting pushed around by now. “For fucks sake, Noah”.

“We are going to talk about this!” Noah said stubbornly. His face was set in a pout, and it would be adorable if Daniel wasn’t so close to having a mental breakdown.

“There is nothing to talk about,” he snarled as he tried again to get past Noah.

When he once again got pushed back, it finally snapped for Daniel. He’d had it! He felt the anger taking control. He lifted his arm and punched Noah straight in the face. Noah took a step back and looked at him with surprise. Daniel was not proud of himself, not the slightest, but he was done. Before Noah could react, Daniel grabbed his t-shirt and pushed him backwards. Noah was bigger and taller than him, but Daniel had the moment of surprise on his side. He pushed Noah until his back hit the wall. They were both breathing heavily, and Daniel suddenly realized how close they were standing. Daniel could feel Noah’s breath on his face, and he was so close he could count every single of Noah’s freckles. Suddenly he did what he had fought so hard not to do around Noah – he let his instincts take over and kissed him.

His mind was screaming, his head pounding, and his chest was so tight he could barely breathe. Daniel could feel Noah’s lips on his, they were so soft. So soft.

Noah was still pinned to the wall, but somehow managed to lean his head back and away from the kiss. “Daniel”, Noah breathed out.

Daniel froze, his eyes big as he realized what was happening. Shit. He jolted backwards, quickly turning around to hide his face from Noah.

“I should go”, Daniel mumbled as he mentally smacked himself.

He had fucked up. He’d fucked up, he’d fucked up, so, so bad. Fuck, he thought as tears started to run down his cheeks. He rushed towards the door, wanting to leave as fast as possible. He didn’t dare look at Noah. He couldn’t bare to see the disgust on his face. He must hate him, now. It wouldn’t matter if Sebastian knew, Noah would never speak to him again. He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up the one friendship he’d ever had. He had made the one person who actually wanted to be his friend, hate him, and for what? For his own greed? For his own selfishness? Had he just ruined a ten-year old friendship, because he couldn’t keep it in his pants? He wouldn’t blame Noah if he hated him. There was no one who hated him more than himself, right now.

“Daniel, wait”, Noah called after him. Daniel stopped mid-movement. Why? His hands were on the doorknob, already pushed down. He didn’t know why he stopped. It would be so easy to just slip out the door, to not hear what Noah had to say. To not listen to Noah yelling at him, telling him how disgusting he was. He let out a sob. He could hear how disgusted it sounded, how pathetic and weak it was. But he couldn’t help it. Tears were streaming down his face and he couldn’t stop them. His throat was tight, and it felt as if he’d swallowed a basketball. His hands were shaking, his shoulders hunched, and his legs felt like they would give out any moment.

Kissing Noah was everything Daniel had refused to think about. It was everything he had spent hours and hours at the bag trying to repress, everything that came sneaking in his dreams, everything that came through in his sketch book, everything that kept him going when he ran. It was everything.

Kissing Noah was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him. He would have been fine if he just hadn’t kissed him. If he hadn’t kissed Noah, he would’ve never known what it felt like. But now he did. And there was nothing he wanted more than to do it again. He would be perfectly fine, living his whole life not knowing what Noah’s lips tasted like, but knowing he would live the rest of his life never tasting them again? It would be the death of him.

“Look a me.”

Daniel couldn’t. He couldn’t look at Noah.

He was too afraid. Too weak. Too pathetic.

Too heartbroken.

Too wishful. Too hopeful.

Too ignorant.

Too fucked up in his head.

“Please.”

Daniel pinched his eyes close, wrinkling his forehead. His under lip quivered, and tears fell even faster. His shoulders shook as he tried to hold back another sob. Suddenly, he felt Noah’s hand in his, gently turning him around. Daniel couldn’t look at his face. He stared at Noah’s chest, blinking rapidly, trying to get his tears under control.

“Please, look at me”, Noah begged. His voice was so, so soft, whispering, pleading.

Daniel reluctantly looked up and stared into two piercing blue eyes. Daniel expected Noah to be mad, or disgusted, or anything – anything other than this. Noah had tears in his eyes – Wait, was he-? Was he crying? Why was he crying? The look of pity on his face was more than Daniel could take.

“I’m sorry”, Daniel blurted out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean– I don’t want you to– I don’t– Please don’t hate me, I–” he rambled. Noah shut him up easily by squeezing his hand. Daniel shut up abruptly and Noah gave him a small smile.

“I don’t hate you?”, Noah said with a confused look. Daniel matched his expression.

“You don’t?” Daniel asked confused.

“Last time I checked, you don’t kiss someone you hate”, he said with a questioning look.

“I don’t–You don’t?” Daniel had no idea what was happening. He had stopped crying and now he was just very, very confused. Noah just looked at him with a crooked smile. “I thought that you– You don’t? Girls?” Daniel was so confused right now. Noah didn’t like boys? He didn’t understand anything. Noah looked at him with such a fondness that shut him up.

“I don’t know what I am”, Noah said. “But I know that I like you. So…” Noah said and pulled Daniel closer until they stood chest to chest. “Please stay?”

Daniel didn’t know what to think, but right now he decided not to, and instead just nodded. Noah bend down slowly, and Daniel met him halfway until their lips met. It was a slow kiss and Daniel could feel the blood rushing in his ears, and his heart beating out of his chest. For once, Daniel didn’t care. He kissed Noah, and Noah kissed him back. It was sweet and safe. The kiss turned into many mini kisses, and Daniel smiled against Noah’s lips as he pulled him closer.