“You okay?” he asked. I blinked, and brought myself back to his attention. “You’ve been staring at me for a while. Not that I mind, but…”

I looked away and hastily said, “No, I’m okay.” I picked myself up and gathered my things. “I need to go to class now,” I told him, and I ran.

“But the period isn’t even over!” I heard him shout behind me.

Jesus Christ, right when I was beginning to get a handle on everything. I walked down one of the stairwells and kicked myself. What was suddenly so attractive about him? Sure, he’s nice, considerate, he took me in, he’s so unashamedly crushing on me. And, in a heartbeat, he’d go out with me.

I shook off the thought. Ryan’s just a good friend. Nothing more.

That’s about when I started sitting in the guest room’s bed at four in the morning thinking about what he was going to say the next day, and what I was going to say the next time he tells me how much he likes me. It twisted my stomach into knots, and made me sick to my stomach.

No, Ryan was just a friend.

Ryan began walking at night, on request that he wanted to be alone, turning the weekly occurrence into an hour and a half of silence and boredom, where I was either forced to interact with the other members of the Anders family or forced to occupy my time with something school or hobby-related. I took up sketching designs for everything, something I originally dropped in the seventh grade, but that only lasted for so long.

The “nightmares” was an unintentional response to that. At first, it was an ill-conceived attempt to see Ryan worried, or at least that’s what I thought. But then it turned into something of a call button whenever I was in bed and wanted him near. Some night he would come downstairs and I would pretend to freak out and he would hold me. Other times he would be “too DAYUM lazy” to get out of bed, so we texted.

Okay, so he wasn’t just a friend.

I didn’t approach him because I wasn’t as straightforward as I am now. If I did it then, I probably would’ve been hoping for him to pick up on my nonverbal cues, which he wouldn’t of gotten unless he was really paying attention. Again, I was not a smart kid.

But at first, I tried talking to Kendall and Davis, because I actually wanted help. But they were suddenly more interested, and surprised, that I wasn’t asexual (because of my lack of attraction during the time they’d known me), which I also realized was a bad mistake. “So, what do you like best about him?” asked Kendall eagerly.

I shrugged, trying to hide my embarrassed blush on my face. “He’s a good person.”

Davis was unhappy with my response. “What? He suddenly doesn’t have eyes or, a body?”

I glared at him. “I prefer people’s personalities rather than their looks.”

“You’re lame,” he responded, leaning back into his chair.

I sighed. “His eyes are lovely.” Davis wasn’t pleased with that response either.

“You’re seriously interested in him?” asked Kendall.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “For the seventh time, yes.”

Kendall squealed and bounced in her chair. “We can do ‘boy-talk’ now!” She squealed again. Her squealing hurt my eardrums.

Davis leaned forward. “Do you know what musical they’re doing next year?”

Suddenly their questions began slurring together. Suddenly it didn’t matter who asked what. “Have you ever, like, accidentally seen him naked?” “Where does he live?” “What else do you like about him?” “Are you going to ask him out?” “Wait, are you going out with him?” “How many times have you two kissed?” “How do you feel about facial masks?”

Subsequent questions would be ignored.

I ultimately decided there that many of the details of our relationship would remain unknown to them. I mean, yeah, they were my friends, but the unexpected knowledge that I wasn’t some incredibly awkward asexual left their questions unanswered. You should’ve heard the things they asked. You’d understand my reasoning.

A few days later, I met up with Alyssa to talk about Ryan and the best way to get my feelings across. The conversation never ventured towards it, because I couldn’t bring it up. Along with giving her the benefit of knowing that I like him, I decided to allow myself to suffer in silence for the time being. I did little things that I hoped would boost my confidence, like when we were sitting together in the hallway, I’d grab his hand.

I wanted to touch him. Non-sexually. And consensually. I wanted to hug him and be hugged back. I wanted to curl up with him on the couch and watch terrible movies. Read in his company without any words spoken, because we’re just so happy with the other’s presence. I wanted to kiss him and be kissed back. I wanted to hold his hand and look at him, into his lovely green eyes that are specked with brown, and just smile because right there, in that moment, he was mine.

That’s…kinda possessive. I shook my head and remind myself that I meant it metaphorically.

But, of course, I didn’t have the courage to do it.

Actually, one time, I almost did it. Well, specifically, Ryan grabbed my hand and then I flipped out because I wanted to do it. I didn’t tell him that I wanted to do it, though.

I was not a smart kid, okay? I was noticeably awkward. Most of the time, I’d see someone attractive and be over them in three seconds flat. With Ryan, it was really uncomfortable because I wasn’t over him in three seconds. It just felt like it kept getting worse and worse.

Okay, how it actually happened was…well, one night, the week before finals, I was lying in bed, texting Ryan, who, apparently, had gotten sucked into his bed again. But I was nevertheless happy that I was talking to him. But the door opened, and there he was. I sat up. A surprised “Oh,” was the first thing to come out of my mouth. “I thought you were too lazy to get up.”

“I know what’s been going down.”

I swallowed hard. “What are you talking about?”

“Please, Adrian. The ‘nightmares’?” I looked down. He entered the guest room and closed the door gently. “You like me.” I didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was trying to suppress his grin. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“D…don’t mistake my gratitude for living with you as affection for – ”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he repeated. Now his smile was gone.

I looked up. “Ryan, don’t you dare – ”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he repeated, his voice demanding and almost harsh. Ryan glanced away and sighed. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”

I wanted to avoid the question. But I looked away and whispered, “I’m still not ready.”

He sat down at the foot of the bed. “Ready for what?”

I continued to look down. “I’m still not ready,” I repeated.

He sighed and adjusted his position on the bed. “Is this still like a ‘coming out’ thing? We can keep it on the down low if you’d like.”

I swallowed and pushed the covers away, exposing my legs. I got up and began pacing, sighing loudly. “You’re so goddamn accommodating; stop it.” Before Ryan could speak, I asked, “Why can’t you just let me be unhappy and stew in my f – ”

“I don’t want to offend you, though,” Ryan interrupted, watching me pace back and forth. “Why would I want you to be unhappy? I really like you.”

I planted my feet and stared angrily at him. “Screw my feelings!” Then I realized what I was saying. “No, never mind. Concern my feelings, but yours should matter, too!”

“Adrian, I don’t know what you want me to do.”

I began pacing again. “I have no idea what I’m doing, either. Do you think I have any idea of what I want you to do?”

“Okay,” he said, finally standing up, “I’m going to make it simple. Do you want to go out with me?”

I stopped and looked at him. “Yes. No!” I put my face in my hands and just sighed. “There are just so many things that could go wrong. I don’t want to mess up.”

“That’s the point of life, Adrian.”

“I know, but…” I groaned and began to sit, but missed the edge of the bed, so I sat down on the floor. “I just don’t want to mess up.”

Ryan sat down next to me and lightly put his pinky over mine. He looked at me cautiously and asked, “This is okay, right?” I nodded, and he immediately enveloped my hand in his. “Adrian, who said they all had to know?”

I sighed again. “I don’t know. It just wouldn’t seem right to me.”

He squeezed my hand. “Adrian?” I looked at him. “Will you go out with me?” I glanced away quickly before looking back to him.

“Sorry,” I whispered, looking away again and slipping my hand from his. “I’m…still kinda expecting you to laugh and say ‘no’.”

Ryan grabbed my hand again. “I’m asking you, you dork.” I looked back to him, who immediately asked again, “Will you go out with me?” After a moment of me not speaking, Ryan began standing up. “You don’t have to answer it now.” I kept my grasp on Ryan’s hand, gaze still down and remaining seated. “Adrian, my hand is getting really sweaty, can I have it back?” I shook my head. He sat back down next to me.

I looked up to him. “I don’t want you to go.” I quickly added, “Before we figure this out.” No, you don’t want him to go. At all. But I also want to work this out.

Ryan smiled and expected the conversation to move, but it didn’t. He compensated for telling me, “Your eyes are pretty.”

I let out an exhausted chuckle. “I’m so tired. They feel so heavy.”

He put his hand to my face. “You’re so warm…” I weakly smiled, and put my hand to his face. “You don’t have anything to say to me?” he asked.

“What?!” I asked, sounding accidentally frantic. My hand dropped from his face.

Ryan grinned, having enjoyed my response. “Like a ‘Oh, Ryan, you’re so sweet’ or ‘Ryan, you’re so handsome’ or something like that. Or an answer to my question.”

I shook my head, and frowned slightly. “What’s there to say that can match what you’ve ever said to me?”

“Don’t say that. Say something. Try it,” he encouraged.

I stared at the wall. I turned back to him and replied, “I don’t deserve you.”

Ryan stared at me. Smiling, he said, “Okay, try again.”

“I really don’t. You’re so, like, perfect. You’re intelligent, and kind, a good person, – ”

He leaned in and brushed my lips with his, but maybe he felt that it was too forward, because he began to back off. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, glancing away. “I-I should’ve asked.”

A slightly exhausted sigh escaped my parted lips, along with my eyes rolling in my head. “Then ask,” I whispered back.

“Can I kiss you?” Ryan asked tentatively. Without even thinking, our lips crashed together in a chaste kiss.

But it was different this time. I wasn’t using it as means of defiance against anyone; I wasn’t using it to thank him, either. I actually wanted to kiss this dork. And it was really nice. And as my first genuine kiss, too, I discovered that I really liked kissing Ryan.

Immediately following my first kiss, Ryan took my face in his hands, our lips separated by millimeters. His breath billowed from his mouth and I could feel it on my neck. He looked at me longingly, whispered, “Oh, my God” in disbelief, and placed his lips to mine again. His nose rubbed gently against mine. One of his eyes opened quickly to see if I was still there, maybe to see that he wasn’t dreaming; I could tell he was smiling. I grabbed the hem of Ryan’s shirt and pulled it down, just so I could have something to hold onto. He exhaled slowly through his nose, and I pulled back, silently thanking him for reminding me that I needed to breathe. “Was that so hard?” he asked.

My breath erratic, I nervously smiled. “Yes.”

We both chuckled. Thank God we did, I was shaking. Ryan took my hands in his and asked, “So, was there a particular reason why you wouldn’t kiss me when we were at the hotel?”

“You make it sound so scandalous.” Breathe, Adrian. Please. Stop. Freakin’. Shaking. You don’t really have a reason to anymore.

Ryan smiled. “Is there?”

I paused, needing to collect my thoughts. “I’m going to be honest with you, okay? Like, honest honest.” Ryan nodded slowly. “Kissing you, was the…farthest thing from my mind. I didn’t want to kiss you. I didn’t even want to like you. I just…wanted to be friends with you. I didn’t want to mess up. I-I didn’t want to go through the embarrassment, the agony, the stress, the – everything that can go wrong in a relationship. I…didn’t want you to become my life, which – ” I looked around the guest room and sighed. “ – is a little difficult to avoid, with my situation.” I looked away from him and sighed. “And there’s still the, fear of being found out by the school. I just, didn’t want to go through it.” Ryan looked downcast. “But…”

His face lit up. “Finally, a ‘but’,” he said, relieved.

“…but having gone over everything in my head for the past few days, you were always the one there for me. And, and it wasn’t even just, being there every night when we walked. You were just, there, without even a second thought.” I paused. “I was really put off by how much you liked me, and you didn’t care. You kept your promises you made to me, and you worked for me to like you back, even if it was a long time to wait.” Ryan laughed loudly; I smiled wearily. “You opened up to me, and I really wanted to open up to you. We appreciate each other to a fault, and that’s…great. It’s great that we respect each other enough but still like each other.” I paused again. “And, and I was the same; I wanted to keep walking and school apart because it would’ve made things complicated and frustrating.” Ryan grabbed the back of my head, and began pulling me closer to him. “You were so good to me when I felt like no one else was. And, I can’t thank you enough for it.”

Several moments passed. A contented sigh escaped his lips as he pressed his forehead against mine; a smile crept up as well. “That, was good. A little bitter in the beginning, but a hell of an ending.”