CASE LOG #74. FILED UNDER: “UNDEAD; SUBCLASS: GHOUL; RESIDENTIAL.”

CALL TO ACTION: “The opening to the attic is in my room. I come home from school to see the hatch in a slightly different position every day, almost as if someone routinely opens it when I'm gone. I never hear any monkey business unless it's past midnight, that's when the attic sounds especially busy—lots of bumps, creaks, and an odd dragging sound. However, there is an exception to the midnight rule. Whatever it is, it gets very restless when I'm home for an entire day. I suspect that there is something living in my attic, but I think it may also live in my house while I'm gone. Sometimes I find that my shampoo bottles are randomly empty and my books are out of place. Please investigate my attic-dwelling goldilocks.” - from [name omitted]

BEGIN LOG TRANSCRIPT.

[an unfamiliar voice, low, lilting and lively. This is not our Gilmore.]

Wellp. Looks like our buddy left his tape recorder on his desk. Guy was in such a rush to get to this case. Hah. Well, that’s alright. Luckily for you, fine listeners, Frank’s here to bring you the latest news on all things Ghosts, Ghouls, and Goblins! Huzzah! Hah. hah. [papers rustling]

Anyway. I’m sure he won’t mind us peeking at his notes. Let’s see. Here’s the one he’s just gone out to fix. [bad approximation of Gilmore’s voice] April six-teenth. To-day I received a call to action from a woman in “redacted” concerning “redacted” and was instantly reminded of...[return to natural voice] Ah, and there’s one of his long stories again. Blah blah blah. ...Hm... Suspects this one’s a ghoul. Something to do with... Christmas decorations? Ugh. Stupid. Ghouls don’t care about that stuff, they just like electricity. [papers rustling]

Where does he keep the stuff about me? In this drawer? OoOoOh, eureka. [clears throat] “Case number 73. ‘Frank.’ It’s been two weeks, and still I can’t figure out where they came from, or what they are.” Well, Gilmore, that’s because you never listen to me. Er. Can’t hear me, I guess. [another throat clear]. “They are unlike anything I’ve ever seen before in all my travels—” Aw, well that’s so sweet of you, Detec—Oh, [REDACTED].

[After some scuffling, a door opens. Footsteps, then another voice: Gilmore has returned.]

...Must’ve left the recorder going, how silly of me. Well. I guess now’s as good a time as any to complete my log. Case #74. It’s been a while since I encountered a ghoul, and I can’t say I’ve been disappointed about the distance. There’s something about being near the undead that leaves a sour taste in your throat, like opening a bag of bread, realizing it’s moldy, and having to throw it out before you make toast. That reminds me, I need to make a memo to buy more—Huh. Looks like someone’s already made that memo for me. Frank! I’ve told you not to come into my office! [a CLATTER is heard, followed by a SIGH] Really? The pencil cup again?

[Frank’s voice on the recorder: “Maybe if you brought the Newton’s Cradle back I wouldn’t have to improvise.” Gilmore makes no indication of hearing]

Right. Back to it. Upon inspecting Ms. [omitted]’s attic, it was instantly as I’d suspected. The ghoul had set up its Nest near a tower of blue plastic tubs filled with Christmas lights. Ghouls like to make their Nests out of things they think the homeowner won’t notice are gone. Id est , Christmas decorations. That also explains why Ms. [omitted]’s books were out of place; the ghoul had been stealing them one at a time and using the pages to line the Nest. Very unfortunate—there’s nothing as rotten as ruining a really good book. Apart, of course, from ghouls themselves. Disgusting things. Imagine a mummy, but without the wrappings, and with long flowing hair. The hair’s the defining part; that’s where they get their power. Have to keep it maintained to stay alive—which, of course, is why Ms. [omitted] lost all her shampoo.

[ “You can’t be serious. Their hair? Come on, Gilmore, you’re supposed to be good at this.” ]

Luckily for Ms. [omitted]—and for me—ghouls are quite simple to exterminate after locating their Nest. All it takes is a bit of impromptu barbering. Not to brag, but after my experiences in Milan—I’ve talked about those before, right? Oh, surely—I am quite the expert in impromptu barbering. Case #74, needless to say, is now permanently closed, just like Ms. [omitted]’s attic door. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a very long shower.

I just hope “Frank” didn’t run all the hot water out again.

END OF TRANSCRIPT.

Got a case for Detective Gilmore? Send your call to action to gilmoresghosts@gmail.com Need tips? Follow Gilmore on twitter @gilmoresghosts .