Blake's POV
What have I done?
What in the holy hell of fucks have I done?!
I'd like to think that maybe I'm just over thinking things. At least that's what is running through my mind now that I'm parked three blocks away from the local police station. Am I truly being over-dramatic? I felt like I was suffering a heart condition too, on top of everything.
I'm just a single Dad. I don't know how to handle things like this. This wasn't written in the 'How To be a Father for Dummies' book. Why aren't people writing about ways to control horny teenagers? Was it that maybe they do, and I just haven't seen it as yet?
Not more that 15 minutes ago, I was in a lip-lock with my son. My son. My beautiful son at that.
I gripped unto the wheel of my car, and planted myself in the driver's seat like a sitting duck. Resting my head on the wheel, I tried to take steadying breaths. I wanted to try and forget the soft feeling of having him under me. That's the thing that makes me sick. In the back of my mind, I knew it was him... and just that thought alone made me unable to stop.
I almost didn't stop.
My brain brought to mind all these little hints Jaden had been giving me before. Was I really being seduced all this time? The way he would wear his clothes or not wear them thereof. Every single touch, kisses on the cheek, and laughter, those were his way of showing me something that I have probably chose to ignore.
All I could recall so far was me drifting off into that nice tipsy-sleep state, when I felt warm lips take me in such a bold manner. I froze for a long time, until I felt the movement of his tongue rolling around in my mouth. His boldness and forceful way of kissing me, triggered something. Something that I didn't know I had forgotten. It was like a knot deep inside my stomach.
A knot that only Susan was able to unravel with just one kiss. Jaden. Jaden had the same power too; if you can call it a power but it was something much more. The way how his hips moved, only made obvious to me what he was feeling. That face-just remembering his expression as he begged for me not to stop actually makes my blood boil and throb places that it shouldn't be. His body was so soft, but it had a firmness that made me feel like it could handle anything I could do to it.
Now I was comatose by this realization. It's frankly a bit scary to be honest.
The way his fingers slid up my chest was like a snake slithering across my taunt flesh. His eager hips moving like a tempting dance was a whole other thing. I felt it and he knew it. Jaden seemed to found a weakness in my body, leaving me unable to just laugh this off as a joke. He felt so good that for a minute, I nearly threw everything to the wind. I had deftly flipped him unto his back, in which he didn't even resist.
In fact, he welcomed it.
His moans were like lit matches to my wood. Blushing cheeks against his creamy, pale complexion was the most sexiest thing I had witnessed in a long time. His chest as cute as ever, this time with budding nipples under my own touch. The way he arched up wanting more. I could touch him and listen to him moan over and over again. He had a voice which made me want to do all kinds of unfatherly things to him.
It felt too good not to let it happen again, which was more of a reason to cease and desist these feelings while it could still be stopped.
I took a few more inner breaths, and turned the car around heading back home. Looking at the clock in the foyer, I noticed that I had been gone for five hours. I took off my coat, and let my keys hang on the wall. The house was silent, but I knew Jaden was upstairs. I just grew to always know where he was. After that disasterous scene, I felt the need to talk to him and set this misunderstanding straight.
I say that, but I took my sweet time climbing up the stairs.
I didn't want to face him right now. Being a non confrontational being by nature, I just didn't want to face this now. I stood in front of his bedroom door, feeling much like a Dad would feel if he was about to give his son the sex talk. I rose my hand about to knock on the door just as he opened the door, and stared at me for a minute.
"Now you know," he stated confidently.
Dark, swollen eyes challenged me, as if expecting me to blow up at him. Jaden walked back into his room, and I hesitantly stepped in behind him. I had to think twice before entering the room since he was literally only in boxers. The legs that were wrapped around me earlier were being flaunted in my face, and his thin waist looked pale enough to decorate it with small red-purplish marks.
I sighed heavily again, and massaged the bridge of my nose with my fore fingers. "Jaden, we can't let that happen again."
"The fuck, it will!"
"Jaden!" I yelled at him. It dawned on me that I had never yelled at him like that before. "I am your father for Christ's sake."
"Don't you think I know that. I'm fully aware that I'm your son but is it so wrong to want you Blake? I want you to be the one," Jaden answered unblinkingly. My pulse began beating faster. As an overprotective father, I had already resigned myself that one day Jaden wouldn't need me anymore, but hearing him say that he wanted me, made my heart swell up a little bit.
"I'm sorry, but I am your father," I declared putting my foot down.
My son might be more attractive than most females, but I couldn't sink myself into something like this. It was morally wrong, but everything in me wanted it to be right. Somewhere inside me, there was this unnatural attraction towards Jaden and I didn't trust myself enough to control it.
"Then why did you kiss me back? You could have resisted at any time but you even responded to me," Jaden threw at me.
Why did I indeed?
"I was drinking. I don't know what took over me. You know how it's been lately for me." I knew it was a poor excuse, even for a coward like me. I sounded like a teenager trying to pry off a clingy one night stand. Except that it was my son, and everything in me didn't want to do this. If it was up to me, I'd just pretend that this didn't happened. Still I needed it to be clear between us.
"So that's your excuse huh? You're sticking with that," Jaden breathed out. He got up and started pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that was lying around on the ground. As he went about clothing himself, he said, "I don't believe it."
"Where do you think you're going at this hour?" I asked when I started noticing him packing a pair of outfits into a carry-on bag.
"Unfortunately for you, I'm serious about this. Though I didn't plan on you finding out this way. I'm gonna stay a couple of days at Neil's house," he said and was about to walk past me.
I gripped unto his arm stopping him. "Now you listen to me youngman..."
"No. You listen to me. Don't don your paternal figure all of a sudden. You couldn't have been sooo blind to the fact that I was gay and aiming at you. There's some part of you that knew it. You're just too dense to realize it," he interrupted angrily. His cheeks were red and his eyes were crystal, as if fighting back tears. Upon seeing him closer, the swollen puffy state of his eyes was visible to my own. It made me feel like a jerk and I let my grip loosen a little bit. I didn't mean to make him cry. I didn't want to make him cry. I don't ever want to see him cry. "...I'm not giving up."
"Are you listening to yourself?" I shot back. I was running out of options. How do I put this in light for him to see? "We can't do this. If I do this... wouldn't I be no better than those men who abused you?.... I-I can't Jaden."
He didn't say anything at first. "We both know that you can. You just won't, but it has to be you," he said as he tugged his arm out of my grip. "If you didn't like the kiss, you could have just given it back," he actually dared to say while scowling in my direction.
Something about seeing those puffy cheeks on his pale skin, a pouting mouth but a fire lying in his eyes made me realize that my son was dangerous... at least to me. It was like he was silently begging me to make a mess out of him. I didn't want to be like those savages that took advantage of him. Just thinking about it put some rationality back on my plate.
"Jaden...maybe--if we were in another life and you weren't my son, but you are..." I continued but he ignored it completely.
"Give it back!" he yelled at me as a single tear fell down his blotchy face.
Before I could stop myself, I reached out and drag him to me by the hair. The texture was soft and silky, perfect for tangling. His eyes widen in shocked but Jaden was quicker than I was. No sooner had I brought him to me, did he close the distance between us. His lips crashed against mine probing them with his tongue impatiently. My hand yanked his waist flushed against mine overwhelmed by how soft he felt. His fingers reached up into my own hair and pulled it down, causing me to gasp at the jerk of my head. Gliding his hot tongue into my mouth, I swallowed a satisfied sigh that escaped him.
Why did he taste so good?
My mind went blank, and everything that was telling how wrong this was, totally vanished again. I felt a hotness travel from my toes to my head, clouding my thoughts and I let myself dipped my tongue into his mouth even deeper. He moaned softly and pressed into me. His body's heat sunk into me, and I felt my erection start to stir. Needing the will of the God's, I had to find my control.
Sliding my hand down from his hair to his cheek. I pulled myself away before things became too much to handle. He felt so fragile in my hands. I couldn't hurt him. I didn't want to. This had to be done. His eyes were close tightly. So I took a couple seconds to steady my breathing, gazing upon his flushed face, and red lips. Lips that were on mine not even ten seconds ago.
"I gave it back," I whispered to him.
Suddenly, with strength I didn't see coming, he punched me square in the chest. Hard enough that I let go of him instantly.
"Bullshit..." he spat, his back turned to me. Judging by his movements, he was wiping away at his eyes as he spoke. Seeing him not wanting to look me in the eyes, cut through me. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than he's already been hurt. "You're so cruel," he finished as he ran out. There was a moment of silence before I heard the definite slam of the front door signalling his departure.
I let him leave. I could have brought on the big Papa bravado, and force him to stay home, but this wasn't the time for that. It wasn't the time act like Mr. Dad, when my tongue was willingly down his throat a couple minutes ago. I sagged against the bed post.
Susan, might have been right all along.
Maybe Jaden had felt this way for far too long. Maybe even longer than I cared to try and remember. Maybe I chose to deny everything because on the inside, I was glad that someone needed me. Because only the heavens knew that Susan didn't need me, all she needed was her drugs. Maybe I fought so hard to raise Jaden because I wanted him to love me more, depend on me more.
Could it be that I've always had this immoral fondness of him? Like I said, no seventeen year old boy comes home and pecks their Dad on the cheek. I didn't even try to stop this habit of his. I just accepted it as our thing.
Was it so wrong to love being loved?
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