Blake's POV
Stubbing out the cigarette outside and, conscious of the pack I had picked up on the way, I entered the building before me. My brother's office smelled like books and leather. The air-con was a nice contrast to the heat outside and slightly worked to calm down my nerves. The little receptionist at the front nodded at me, already knowing who I am, and held up a finger with a smile.
"Good Evening Mr. Brad. Your brother is here to see you," she smiled into the phone and hung up, motioning me to go right ahead.
I knew he was free at this time of the day. I could've come earlier but I was wondering if maybe I'm just over thinking Jaden's behavior. He won't pick up when I call, barely even says a word to me and what's more, he won't eat. He won't come out of his room. I've heard him cry himself to sleep.
His sobs weren't even audible. It's just that, my ears have been literally glued to the door. I'm just worried that he might do something reckless.
It felt like it had been months since I've seen Jaden's smile, when it's only been a little over a week. How do I make him understand? With the amount of shit I was feeling, I even started smoking again. So much for scolding Jaden for picking up the same bad habit as mine but either way, the nicotine did it's job of calming my uneasiness.
I just love my son... so much and seeing as he was currently depressed, the only person that could offer some sort of advice was my little brother.
it probably didn't make me a failure as a father, but it sure felt like it.
"Hey! If it isn't the wayward son," Brad said coming in for a quick hug. We walked over to his desk and he poured me a drink. "I must ask though, what's the occasion?"
Brad has always had this sarcastic way of speaking that never did sit right with me, but my son probably trusted him. I hadn't wanted his help either since the Arons blood ran thicker in his blood than in mine. Brad still had that Arons greater-than-life air about him as he poured the liquid into a fancy glass cup. The reason why I stopped coming around, was mostly because of his demeaning comments he would sometimes throw at me.
I guessed it must be the way he was wired. Looking at my brother, he hasn't really changed a lot since coming to our aide years ago. He had always had a resentment towards me back in the day. So I must say, I was a bit surprised when he suddenly decided to help me with Jaden therapy.
When I first left Main house, I wondered if he would come to hate me. I'm sure that the pressure my parents placed on him was far more than what they had placed on me. They wanted him to be better than the first son that got lost along the way. Brad had to live up to the expectation they had for me, and probably had to give up on his own dreams to follow the straight and narrow.
While I felt guilty that it was my fault that he didn't live a normal adolescent life, I couldn't feel guilty for having escaped the oppressing thumb of being an Arons. Even now, I wouldn't put it past my parents have arranged a marriage for him if he happened to take too long to produce an heir. I'm assuming that my parents wouldn't want him marrying just any other person either.
Either way, guilt is something that I know will always be a part of my life. I'm at fault for being Susan's tolerant. Maybe if I had tried harder, she wouldn't have sunken that deep into drugs. If I had just sucked it up and stayed, I could have prevent the events that transpired. At least, I should have there to protect Jaden.
But I wasn't and I almost lost everything for being so weak.
Jaden saved me, even if he didn't know it. The fact that he needed me, made me grow a sense of responsibility. Thus my life mainly revolves around him. There were times when nothing else mattered as long as Jaden's happy.
He's too young to realize that he is probably just confused and I was at fault. I saw the signs but I chose to ignore it. My head kept telling me that maybe Susan had seen something in Jaden that I didn't. Somewhere along the way I wondered about the possibility of me returning Jaden's sentiment. It was obviously to me that I am definitely attracted to Jaden as a person, not only as my son.
I couldn't even blame that thought on the 'dry spell of a single father' and the hot flashes of Jaden's over confidence in his lightly clad body. There was always something sick in my obsession over Jaden and the more Jaden came at me, the more that feeling is dragged out of me. No matter how much I fought it, the pull of Jaden was still there on my lips, my hands, the memory of his gasps when in the heat of the moment.
"Well, I think I've lost a screw and just hoped that you could help me put it back in," I sighed taking the cup from his hand.
Brad's brows furrowed and he gave me this weird look.
Brad and I, unfortunately were never really that close. He was mostly off in his own world, and we barely had stuff in common. I'd never told him the problems that I had with Susan, but he always seemed to know. I guess that's why he decided to become a Psychologist; maybe that just comes with the job you know; knowing the thoughts and behavioral patterns of people.
I downed my cup in one gulp before saying what I came here to say. "My son loves me."
He sputtered a little and gave me a slap on the back that almost sent me forward. Fuck, I'm still the skinny one, even if I'm the older brother. Heck he was even taller than I was and had more body mass than I did. It was pitiful really.
"Nothing new to me Blake. It doesn't sound like a problem to me."
"No. You don't get it. He is in love with me," I stated even clearer. He read the serious expression I was wearing, and his smile faded. Taking a seat on the plush furniture in front of his desk, I scratched my head wondering where to start from. "I don't know what to do. Hasn't he told you anything about this? The way he says he feels can only be developed over some time. It doesn't just happen out of the blue."
Brad's face was serious and his eyes were unreadable. I'd seen this look on him many times before when I was with Susan. With his now matured features, they made me feel a little uneasy. He didn't say anything to me, and I took that as my cue to voice my concerns. He was Jaden's therapist-as unofficial as that might be- I just really need to know if maybe he knew anything about this development.
"The way he looks at me... it's just so genuine, and I just can't leave him be. I keep pushing him away but it only seemed to do the opposite, you know. It's like he's turned into a drone and reverting back to his old self. I haven't even heard his voice in days and sincerely it's driving me nuts."
"Keep in mind that you are the parent of the house. That boy is as damaged as anyone else who has been trained by men..." I cringed when used the term so easily. "You keep forgetting that he's a traumatized kid and probably confused his affection of adoration for you. It's what one would call a Father-Complex."
"He is not damaged. If he was damaged he wouldn't have gotten better. He would only be sinking more, but he has improve a lot," I argued back. Unlike myself, I knew that Jaden was stronger than I could ever have been at his age. I disliked when Brad would refer to him as some type of ruined victim. Another reason why I stopped coming to his office.
"He hasn't gotten better. He never was better," Brad said, his eyes darkly holding my gaze. Could he be right? Could Jaden have pretended to be okay all this time? Why would he do something like that? Was he worried about what I would think?
"...but I could have sworn..." I replied as a feeling of uselessness swept over me.
"Sometimes that's the case. Most victims try to force themselves and feign a well balance mental state for the fear of being treated like outcasts. Maybe that's the case. He comes to me with any problems he has. Doesn't he convey to you any of his worries?"
I shook my head feeling like a reject. Did Jaden trust me? What all did I not know about him? And why did that bother me so much?
"I think what you two need is time apart. I'm sure Jaden would want that. After all you did reject his 'confession' right?"
"Well..." I didn't want to go into the whole thing. It was too intimate of a thing to share. I didn't feel the need to share with Brad the fact that Jaden kissed me and that I had kissed him back at one point. "I've sort of turned down his advances...but sometimes I ask myself, 'why do I have to?' It's not like it's totally impossible. I want him to be happy and if he's happy with me... I want to make him happy."
In the coldest voice I'd ever heard coming from him, he asked "Should I be worried about you too? This is not something natural. Haven't you caused enough tragedies already?" That comment punched me in the gut, and it felt like cold water.
I guess coming to him wasn't the right choice. "You're right. I-I think I'll just take my leave."
He stopped me from getting up. "No. As an Arons, I will not accept this. The fact that you're questioning yourself is because something is going on. You aren't the most colorful crayon in Arons history, so I'm gonna do you a stiff one and take that kid from you for a little. You need to get your head straight and sort out your shit together..."
"No!!" I shouted interrupting him. The auto response came out of me more forceful than I intended.
"No? What do you mean no?" Brad asked his voice deathly deep.
"That's exactly what I mean. I won't just hand over my son to anyone. There must be some other way." Just the thought of it made my stomach revolt.
"When Jaden moves on from this phase, and moves on to someone else. Would you let him go then?" Brad asked. He had his back now turned to me staring through the window sipping from his drink. "You can't make him dependent on you when you yourself aren't even able to handle your own affairs. I won't stand for it."
The realization of that fact hit me hard. I didn't want to give Jaden away to anyone but yet I kept pushing him away myself. What if he actually took my lead and left me? He'd think that that's what I wanted, when in reality it's the opposite of what I really want.
What do I really want?
My heart sank. I'm not shocked that Brad said that, but I still felt so damn headless when it came Jaden. My gut told me to not let Brad get to me, but my logic was telling me the same thing he was. It was the logic of letting go for their own good.
Jaden would be better off with someone who wasn't a past drug addict, disinherited, uneducated and had wicked thoughts of his son. Now looking at it, there's nothing I can give to him. With my record, there's a lot of things I dare not show Jaden of myself. I'm hoping that he'll be able to find someone he is comfortable to with.
After all, why tell Brad his concerns when I was right there, ready to listen to anything he wanted to tell me. Would Brad know more about him than I knew? Why Brad? Did Jaden feel like he couldn't trust me? Then again, who am I to complain?
I was the who kept pushing him away.
Knowing the way he feels, I wondered how he'd react if I took this step. Logic said that this is a good way to go, but my gut kept telling me to keep Jaden as close to me as possible. Brad's face was unreadable the longer I stayed there. Jaden wasn't going with him unless he said so himself.
"No," I stated final and quickly made my way out of the office.
Before I closed the door, I heard Brad curse under his breath as papers were flung to the wooded floor. He was way angrier than I would've thought he would be. "Susan didn't even love you which is why she left. What make you think Jaden would do the same thing?"
"Brother, I'm not an idiot. I might have been a stoner back in the day, but I'm wasn't stupid. Maybe me being drunk out of mind didn't help the situation but I know about you and Susan. I never understood why you hated me though? Is it because she decided to chose me?"
His eyes were like glaciers as they bore through me. The hate that dripped unto me, the air that suddenly had the no oxygen, could be cut through like paper. The wrathful look that etched his face made shivers ran through me like ice. It was some thing more fitting of a crazy man, than any sane person.
"You're going to be sorry about this. Need I remind you that without me you got nothing?" he spat venomously my way.
"You offered your help and I swallowed my pride for Jaden's sake. Because he was more important than own self? For all I care, I'm fine with nothing as long as Jaden wants me that way," I stated unconsciously slamming the door behind me. The secretary at the front jumped, unaware of what happened but stared at me wide eyed. "Whoops. Some times I forget how strong I am," I explained a little embarrassed hiding how angry and confused I was.
Call me a degenerate, but I wasn't letting go of Jaden unless he decided to go himself. I wouldn't stop him. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me to. Especially when it's clear to me that I'm being avoided like the plague, the point is crystal clear. Yet I can't help but regret my decision of coming here.
I stormed outside my brother's building feeling stupid for always being so slow. Even more idiotic was me believing that I had read my brother wrong all this time. I felt like I was trapped between the wall and hard please. Jaden wants something from me that I wasn't sure I was able to give, and it hurts me knowing that I can't let myself be taken in.
At the same time, why can't I free him? Why can't I see him with anyone but myself?
Whether or not I give into him, it didn't matter anymore. In a way, I had already surrendered to Jaden since I couldn't find it in me to seriously reject Jaden. I knew this but I just couldn't face it. I didn't want Jaden to be hurt by anyone else but at the same time, I wanted him to be by my side and to need me in his life. In the end, haven't I just been hurting him the most?
The truth is, I want to love him. Love him more than just my son, but also as a man. I wanted to treasure him. He was pure in my eyes but obviously, my vision of Jaden is different than what he actually was. Being faced with loosing Jaden, gave me a kick to make a decision.
I would either have to let him go... or accept all that he is.
From the time, I looked at Jaden and in my eyes called him beautiful, I should've known that there was no going back. Jaden has already had me in his grasps for longer than I cared to admit and I'm only now just admitting that, in my arms, Jaden could be the happiest. So why should I keep burying these feelings that could bring the smile back to his face?
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