Jaden's POV
At some point, one's go to wonder, am I really okay in the head? Is there something really wrong with me? Even if it's a joke, that question resounds in what one's head.
Yet I was not worried or concerned about that right now. Blake has once again seen me at my most vulnerable state and as I desperately reached out to him, he turned his back. His eyes were so sad.
What am I doing to him? to myself? I haven't felt like myself lately. I haven't felt anything lately.
My phone keeps going off and for the life of me, I wouldn't answer it. "I'm sorry Blake," I whispered to the ringing device with Blake's face as the caller ID. Neil got mad at me for not answering his call too.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. After my break down, I just didn't want to show myself in public. I remember bits and pieces of the episode, but I don't really know exactly what transpired after blocking out.
Both physically and mentally, I felt so unbelievably heavy. My visits to Signal Hill became more frequent. I know Blake's worried since he kept checking up on me like I'm on some suicide watch and kept making food that I can't seem to stomach. I always end up crying over the food anyway. Instead of eating with him in the dining room, I had subjected myself to the loneliness of my room.
I didn't want to see his face as yet. I couldn't let him in and see how wreck I felt. I had no more will power to put on a strong face in front Blake, since he won't realize that I'm not as weak as he thinks. I can protect him just as much as he protects me. I hate that he treats me like some fragile person.
Technically, I can't blame him. What I'm asking for is just too much and I knew it from the start. As heart breaking as the thought is, the chances of us being something is as much as the chances of an ice in hell.
I can't.
I just can't anymore.
I can't play and pretend that I'm okay this time. The rejection hurts so much. Blake's hesitation was obvious yet he wasn't going to accept my feelings no matter what. It's too much for me to ask to be seen differently, when all he's done is treat me like any father would.
Like a beloved son.
Yet, he probably would be better off finding himself some woman. Maybe he just isn't into guys and doesn't want to discriminate me. So many excuses kept running through my head all at once, rendering me immobile.
All this and I refuse to acknowledge the main possible reason. The reason being that maybe, I'm just not good enough for him.
"I swear to God, if you continue to mope like that I'll let you to wallow in your pity," I heard Neil huffed out as he threw me a canned coke from a vending machine nearby. "Any longer and your face would be on the ground."
I guess I'm being a burden on Neil too.
"Well, I'm sorry to rain on your parade, as far as I know, you came on your volition," I answered tucking my head between my bent knees. "I'm not stopping you, so you can leave at any time." There was a whack to the back of my head.
"If you say another thing remotely Emo, I'm going to whack you harder," he stated annoyed.
"Fine. Everyone except Blake then," I corrected, lightly rubbing my head.
Neil stared at me for a long time, before exhaling a long breath. "What do you see in him? All I see is a clumsy and lanky ex-hippie stoner," he pointed out at the grass. "Who just happens to cook really good food, and look superb in business suits."
"It's more like, what don't I see in him? He isn't like other men, not that I've known men long enough to compare; he's just special, I guess."
Scratching his hairless chin, Neil's eyebrow furrowed confused. "Oh I don't know. When I look at other men, all I think about is an old crusty sock-not even the pair- just a sock. Maybe if they acted or looked a little more like you, I'd give it a try."
I scoffed at him.
"No really. I mean, I haven't seen your mom or anything, but I do think of clean socks and minty aftershave when I look at you," he admitted sheepishly. The light shade of pink, which is rare for him, coloured his face and I had to chuckle at him.
"You have a straight-on-gay crush on me?" I laughed nudging him playfully.
Batting away my hand, Neil laughed it off. "Say what you want. I'm still living Bi-curiously through you. Even experiencing my first heart ache, I sit here cheering for you," he said sombrely. "But if I was to go the other way, I'd be into someone with a good personality, I guess. Someone who...hmm... someone that..."
"...doesn't remind you of an old sock," I finished off, as we both laughed.
Whether or not I wanted him to come, he did because he knew what has been going on. I still don't know what triggered my attack, but I do vaguely recall seeing Brad within the tree line; and it was bugging me for some reason.
"You know, I still don't get it. Out of all the people, I come face to face with my Dad's kinda ex boyfriend and I keep seeing Brad's distorted face in the back of my mind hiding behind a tree," I mused trying to keep my mind from thinking of Blake. "I'm not even sure it was distorted but it was dark and menacing."
Idly picking at the grass, we watched as the sun went down. "I don't know man. I've never really liked your uncle."
"You just don't like snobby people," I clarified. "And that's understandable."
"Even when he smiles, he gives me the creeps," Neil continued on. "The reason why I spoke to you on the day we met, I wanted to ask you why that man kept following you. He would always follow you to school; he'd be there in the shadows when you were in P. E. You know... general stalker stuff. You didn't speak to anyone the first month. So I thought that the stalker was bullying you or something because when he touched you, you look like you were about to vomit. When you told me he was your uncle, I kind of let it go but still why would he follow you?"
My brow furrowed. Well, this was news to me. I didn't know Brad followed me when I first started school. It was mandatory for me to head to his office after school. Little by little, I lessened the time I went there because of his touchy-feely therapy sessions.
Was he supposed to follow me? I wasn't aware of that.
"Maybe it was part of his therapy method. I guess I wasn't supposed to know or something like that," I answered not too bothered by it. "Brad use to do minor physical contact to help me get rid of my haphephobia. All I did was learn the same tricks to have Blake touch me all over."
"Hot crotch," Neil choked out.
"I'd whore myself to Blake willingly so fuck you," I chuckled back because that's what real friends do. They insult each other and laugh about it. "You are kind of gay anyway for always listening to me blab about my exaggerated horrid life."
"If I'd ever be gay... I'd go for guys like maybe..." he looked around area and pointed out some one behind me. "... that guy. I like his body. I wish I was built like that so in a way, I can admit that he is... w-wait... why's he walking over here?"
Quickly looking behind me, I rose an eyebrow at the guy walking our way and smiled. I had to squint my eyes to be able to recognize the person heading our way but sure enough it was Jerome. He looked much younger in casual clothes than in the suit. Out of the corner of my eye, Neil cleared his throat and looked away from the advancing guy.
"Never thought that I'd see you here again," Jerome greeted. His eyes sparkle lightly with a genuine smile playing on his lips. With a smirk, he eyed Neil's annoyed expression.
"Oh hey Bax. Well you know, I might have some issues but this guy here, is the rock that floats me back to the surface. Neil this is Jerome. Jerome this is Neil and he recently told me he likes your bod," I answered with a wink.
"No I don't!" he interjected with his tone a little offensive. It caught me off guard, since Neil was a fairly carefree guy. Even when I poked gay fun at him, he'd take it with a smile. He caught my surprised look before quickly adding, "I'm straight."
"That's what they all say... at first," Jerome answered his face a little too smug.
"Uh... Am I missing something? Do you guys know each other?"
Neil avoided Bax eyes, irritation written over his face. "The rays of the sun blinded my eyes so I didn't see his face clearly," Neil replied rolling his eyes annoyed. "Hotshot here is Uncle Romy. I have just recently learnt that he is the reason why I've been home-schooled for the past couple years. Apparently my mom thought she could protect me from the sickness of homosexuality that runs in the family."
I sniggered trying to hold back. "How comes you didn't tell me? and to think you were flirting with Shelby the other day too."
"Actually, Shelby's family adopted me. So I'm kinda more like a step brother of sorts."
"I didn't know and well, you didn't ask," was his response.
It was short enough to have me feeling like a shitty best friend, wiping the smile of my face. I hadn't gone over to his house in a while, been ignoring his calls in my depressive and roller coaster state and I've just been an overall jerk.
"Oh," was all I answered, with a small embarrassed smile. I didn't want to ask why he had this apparent disdain for Bax-not yet.
"Surprised that Neil's christian loony of a mother has a secret gay brother, right?" Bax asked with a wink towards Neil. "He's probably attracted to me, which is why I annoy him so much."
"Oh you know exactly why, don't play dumb," Neil retorted.
Eyeing both the annoyed Neil and a smirking Bax, gave my funny bone some tingling. It was hilarious. Neil was usually overly carefree and almost the class-clown type of guy. Seeing Neil this flustered was new to me.
"I'm sorry about the other day. You probably can't enter the restaurant again huh?" I asked trying to help out Neil before he started blushing again. I know how it feels to be placed on the spot, so my plan was to divert some attention.
"It's not worth mentioning. Tons of people have phobias so it wasn't a big deal. Either way, I feel like ice-cream. We should all get ice-cream," Jerome suggested changing the topic. I wish I was related to this dude. He gave off the best vibes. He was like his own little sun. "What about you nephew? Can ice-cream be my peace offering?"
Oh come on!! Will someone let a guy know what happened? I mentally asked narrowing my eyes at Neil. He avoided my questioning stare oh so obviously and plucked at a lone grass.
"It depends on how much scoops you are willing to buy," Neil huffed with another rare, almost invisible blush.
Grinning like the cat that just ate the canary, Jerome led the way. Neil and I followed a little behind him. "The minute I crawl out of my moody depression, prepare yourself for some hard-core Bad cop-Bad cop interrogation."
"First off, it's Bad cop-Good cop and second, I'm a Scorpio and we don't like being interrogated," he answered beating around the bush. I snickered as he tried to take me off topic, but nothing distracts me when it's something this interesting.
"Your dearest uncle..."I tried.
"Jaden Arons, don't even..." Neil warned.
I felt light on my feet and for the love of all that is nature; I just had a good feeling as we trudged on our way. Like something good was going to happen. Whether it may be to Neil, Bax, or myself; it didn't matter because having this strange giddiness in my stomach felt good.
It was better than the emptiness from earlier.
"Neil's own Uncle Dearest!" I said cackling at Neil's mortified face.
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