ELEVEN

Here came the dream of him and me alone shirtless in sexual physical heat rolling on the bed on the way to be one and make do with the emotional connection I was sure we both felt and after two months of holding out, waiting it out today, now was the day. I hate how I sound like such a girl noticing how perfectly having Tae underneath me felt especially as that spark of electricity whenever I got him near me it never faltered and the night sky was finally changing outside our dorm.

"Did you feel that?" I asked him as I tugged down on his earlobe

"Swear on my life I did." He replied in between pants of pleasure

Everything felt right, I was high on love and the dream I'd usually have in the daylights in my own head was coming to life right now with this boy's smooth pale skin against my tan skin writhing underneath me. I wanted him underneath me; I had to have him underneath me. But as my luck would go the one imperfect thing about us rang at his bedroom door. "Tae, you in there?" his boyfriend called out from the door.

We both retracted me hesitatingly from each other not like lava but with a familiarial movement. It wasn't the first time this had happened anyway.

"You didn't lock the door?" he asked in annoyance as a shirt was going over the top of his head.

"Relax, your little boyfriend won't know." I huffed back in annoyance at him the door wasn't a responsibility to just me so for him to..."What?" I huffed in annoyance again as he was using medieval sign language to tell me to fall back in a sitting position as though all I'd been doing was studying. He shook his hand a little more like a child and not wanting to further upset him I grabbed my military jacket and fell back in the chair and picked up a pencil from the desk placing it between my fingers playing with it.

He played with the hem of his oversized shirt dropping it further down to make sure his boner was hid from view. And as he did so with his head down inspecting the cover up, his neck came into view and I saw the mark I'd put on him very visible and just beginning to darken. He's always bruised easily which I used to tease him for back when were in high school but now? Now I felt my lips twitching, glad I marked him as mine and over the top of his closet door sat a very nice Gucci scarf which I probably should have told him to wear to the door but the petty, vindictive side of me was stronger and let him open the door for his boyfriend with a visible hickey from me.

"Hi you two studying in here again?" he asked

I waved a notebook with one page written in the air for him to accept as proof that indeed I was just studying with his boyfriend and not playing around with his anatomy. He didn't look convinced though. Slowly at Tae's allowance Jimin walked in and I took that as my cue to leave the room. So I gathered my books and gave him a friendly curt as I said "ok, I'll go look for food now." He smiled at me dismissively and before I left the room altogether I heard him ask "so how come you lock the door when studying with him?"

I went back in my room.

An agonizingly intense feeling of self loathing swept over me and a shower didn't help me. I had to release the frustration in me somehow. It was not sexual. It was me being with someone who already was in a relationship and not wanting to stop it or rock the boat by bringing up the issue.

I thought half a loaf would be better than nothing.

And I also thought you reap what you sow but I was wrong.

Tae had long left with his beloved boyfriend when I was in the shower. So I didn't care if I was dragging my feet too dramatically off the ground as I went to grab two Gatorade drinks from the fridge shoving them in my bag and left for the gym where I took to free my frustrations from boxing. A sport I never otherwise enjoyed but over the week after venting to Em and Kat about my shameful activity I took Ansel's advice to punch my frustrations and anger into something.

Below my shoe soles was white substance scattered all over the floor. I had zero clue where it could have come from or what it was but after looking up and taking note of the slit in the leather punching bag I groaned and picked up a Gatorade drink from beside me.

"Fuck!" a deep voice came from behind me.

It was Ansel. He dropped his gym bag and walked over to me in three short paces "what the hell man!" he complained as he got closer to me and crouched down to vet the white substance. After rubbing the material over his thumb and index finger he got up from the crouch position and spoke again "why not just talk to him and ..." before he could finish I cut his sentence off "what!? Ask him to leave his boyfriend!?" a little too harshly than it should have been said.

He sighed and checked his phone screen then with concern said "dude." and didn't press any further.

Soon after the gym we went for practice after lectures.

The light clack! Of Em's high heels on the hallway tiles heralded her approach. Soon enough I felt a tap on my shoulder and glanced up to meet with her eyes. A strong breeze played with her hair causing thin strands to wisp across her face some sticking on her glossed lips which she absently raked away with her red painted sharp nails and then dragged her arms to pull me in a hug.

Once she pulled herself from the hug she led the way in silence back to my dorm room where we found Kat sitting down her back on the door playing candy crush on her phone. Upon spotting us she got up and came to hug me whispering against my ear "everything will be alright."

At this point I was curious if I was under some sort of prank Vitori twins' style from YouTube. Kat shook her head no and answered "it's about you and V"

"What about us?"

"Someone compared you to 'Becky with the good hair'"